SAHM struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, it makes me sick seeing people being nasty to OP. This situation is hard for everyone. To invalidate the difficulty of taking care of 3 children, including one with serious special needs, with no outings, changes scenery, or adult interaction is very hard. If there was ever a time to be kinder to people, a global pandemic seems like it.

OP, my heart goes out to you. I find these days go better with small kids if I have a loose schedule for the day with activities planned...the more I keep them moving room to room and from one thing to another within reason, the better. And I agree about having some virtual hangouts with whatever real life people you know.

But OP has it really good, that’s what is frustrating people. Her DH doesn’t have to risk going to work as essential, they have a house spacious enough for a yard and an office, and he quits work by 630, which is very good for a breadwinner.

That’s why some are treating her bad, b/c she is being all woe is me with a very enviable situation

No, people are just jerks and they take that stress out on strangers online. It doesn't take from other people to recognize op's challenges. Someone else ALWAYS has a worse situation. There are a million terrible situations out there.

+++ one million

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

Truth! This is why I think OP brought it on herself having all these kids and expecting DH to be hands-on too. The martyrdom in the OP definitely reeks of victim mentality. If I overheard my spouse complaining about me to a friend, I would be pissed too. That s/he didn't have the guts to address the problem directly with me but is talking crap about me to a 'friend'. Sounds like a great partner...not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, your DH is not being a good husband or dad. He is purposefully avoiding family time because he can’t deal. This is why the breadwinner-SAHP dynamic sucks. The breadwinner often feels emboldened to avoid home life because he can use “work” as an excuse and the SAHP has to deal.

Truth! This is why I think OP brought it on herself having all these kids and expecting DH to be hands-on too. The martyrdom in the OP definitely reeks of victim mentality. If I overheard my spouse complaining about me to a friend, I would be pissed too. That s/he didn't have the guts to address the problem directly with me but is talking crap about me to a 'friend'. Sounds like a great partner...not!

Wow. So, now being a SAHM means you don’t even get to talk to friends about having a hard day because it’s offensive to your DH???!!??

WTF people!

Women who stay home to take care of their children are human beings. They’re not robots or indentured servants either - they are a member of the family.

[Anonymous]

OP people are being unkind. I will share my experience.

I was a SAHM with very closely spaced kids and a husband who worked at home. It was so hard. He would need quiet (hard with three babies) and play dates and whatnot were hard. While yes I had the “freedom” to run out if I had all three sleeping that....rarely happened and if I did I did it with the constant fear that a baby would wake up and bother him. Eventually I stopped leaving. He’d come out and make a big mess making lunch and leave it for me to clean up. His job was to work and mine was.....every single other thing. Vacuuming would annoy him. He had a dedicated office space- too.

We divorced and I now work from home. The kids are at school during the day or at camp or with a sitter. I juggle housework and work seamlessly and order what I need and we can be HAPPY and loud in our own home- it’s freedom.

That said I won’t ever forget how hard it is keeping kids happy and QUIET and engaged all day. It’s daunting and so much harder than me going in my office and focusing on JUST work is. I do well and I work hard but man whose days at home are thankless.

This is HARD. Don’t let people tell you you aren’t working- you are. And if your kids were in school and now they aren’t your world shifted as much as anyone else’s so don’t let people discount your feelings because you don’t get paid. If anything that makes the difficulty harder to swallow.

Hang in there OP you will get through this. Use tv take walks be outside as much as you safely can. Chin up.

[Anonymous]

Looking after your own children is hard work because as a mom you pour your heart and soul in it. The quality of care and love a mom provides will certainly be higher than what a low-wage childcare provider is providing.

I think you should brace for this to go for another 2 months and concentrate only on the kids. The rest of the household chores are not going anywhere. They will still remain when the pandemic is over

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your husband is taking advantage of you being a SAHM. Tale as old as time. And one of the reasons many women should never agree to stay at home. He’s not starting work until 8:30? So he should be on with the kids until that time so you can sleep in, shower, go for a walk, etc. If your kids sleep in until right before that, he should start work earlier so he can be done earlier. You have a serious husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to buy a pair of noise canceling headphones and deal with some noise. He can hang a blanket on the back and front of the door for the room that he’s working in to buffer noise. And you can work on ensuring the kids aren’t routinely shrieking and screaming. Other than that kids are going to make noise and there is going to be household noise. It’s a fact of life right now. Any time your husband needs absolute silence, he can go to his car and connect to the WiFi from your garage/driveway.

[Anonymous]

There’s nobody who works 8:30-6:30 without some break. I guarantee he’s reading cnn or scrolling through fb, or closing his eyes to get a rest here and there.

You need 30 minutes to yourself mid day or you. Will. Break. Don’t let it get to that point. If he loves you he will help you.

[Anonymous]

You made this bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is taking advantage of you being a SAHM. Tale as old as time. And one of the reasons many women should never agree to stay at home. He’s not starting work until 8:30? So he should be on with the kids until that time so you can sleep in, shower, go for a walk, etc. If your kids sleep in until right before that, he should start work earlier so he can be done earlier. You have a serious husband problem.

It's not your business whether other women choose to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sitting at his desk 50 hours a week and only getting up to pee is ridiculous. I have to wonder how this really looks to the people he works with. I am going to guess that at least some of them know that he has three young kids, one of whom has severe special needs, and that they are all at home with him and his wife right now.

I am thinking of the men I have worked with who have continued to stay late at the office even when things were stressful at home (newborn twins, third baby in four years, 6 year old with a cancer diagnosis...). No one admired them for being especially dedicated workers. It seemed like they either a) didn’t have their priorities straight, b) were too spineless to set limits and say what they needed, or c) were shirking responsibilities at home. None of these are particularly admirable traits in a man. I wonder if your husband is really accomplishing what he hopes to accomplish with his dedication to his work at the expense of his home life.

In many industries no one cares about your family, or what trials your kids put you through. I don’t know which of my colleagues have kids, we don’t put pictures or drawings on our workspace, as we focused on the job and making the business succeed.

50 hr work weeks seems pretty tame for a breadwinner role, so Op actually has it good from the get go.

How is this possible, do you not even engage in small talk with your coworkers while waiting for meetings to start or something? What industry is this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He works to support you.

And you are keeping his house, raising his children, cooking meals, scheduling activities. It would cost A LOT for him to outsource these services. The DW/OP is contributing probably more than the husband!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Thank you for that! I needed a good laugh this morning.

Anyone who thinks a wife who stays at home is contributing financially more than a husband who works because she cleans the house, takes care of the kids, and cooks is hysterical.

I am not saying those things are worthless, because they are not. But let's say you pay a nanny $75K a year (which most people would never do anyway, I'm just going to the high end). Then you pay maids $15,000 a year to clean. And you pay a chef, I don't know what chefs cost, $10,000 a year to cook? So that's $100,000 worth of services you are not paying for. That's a lot! But how many men whose wives stay home earn less than that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is taking advantage of you being a SAHM. Tale as old as time. And one of the reasons many women should never agree to stay at home. He’s not starting work until 8:30? So he should be on with the kids until that time so you can sleep in, shower, go for a walk, etc. If your kids sleep in until right before that, he should start work earlier so he can be done earlier. You have a serious husband problem.

It's not your business whether other women choose to stay at home.

I never said it was, so you may want to have that chip on your shoulder looked at. I said THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS MANY WOMEN SHOULD NEVER AGREE TO STAY AT HOME. This board is FILLED with women complaining that their husbands take advantage of them, other people think they're worthless, their in-laws devalue them, take your pick. I couldn't care less whether or not someone chooses to stay at home. But women who do so when they have husbands who take advantage of them should think it through better. And if it starts to happen they should make a change, since you'll say "I had no idea he would be like that because before kids I had no clue." Stand up for yourself and do what's right for you and your family, but stop being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your husband is taking advantage of you being a SAHM. Tale as old as time. And one of the reasons many women should never agree to stay at home. He’s not starting work until 8:30? So he should be on with the kids until that time so you can sleep in, shower, go for a walk, etc. If your kids sleep in until right before that, he should start work earlier so he can be done earlier. You have a serious husband problem.

It's not your business whether other women choose to stay at home.

I never said it was, so you may want to have that chip on your shoulder looked at. I said THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS MANY WOMEN SHOULD NEVER AGREE TO STAY AT HOME. This board is FILLED with women complaining that their husbands take advantage of them, other people think they're worthless, their in-laws devalue them, take your pick. I couldn't care less whether or not someone chooses to stay at home. But women who do so when they have husbands who take advantage of them should think it through better. And if it starts to happen they should make a change, since you'll say "I had no idea he would be like that because before kids I had no clue." Stand up for yourself and do what's right for you and your family, but stop being a doormat.

This board is also full of working moms complaining that their husbands take advantage of them, they are working a “second shift,” jobs are inflexible, they are struggling with childcare, take your pick.

There is no perfect answer. I don’t see how OP’s situation would be better if she was working. She probably still would have been using school primarily for childcare for her oldest, that would still be gone, her husband would still have the same hours at his job, and she would still have the younger kids at home. If she was trying to work on top of this, she would probably be losing her mind and ready to divorce.