Recover from an affair (need advice from others who strayed)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

Vomit.

LOL He worships a woman who was willing to cheat with a married guy! Yep a real winner yet his wonderful wife was willing to give him another chance.
Living a total fantasy and no doubt if he ended up with the AP it would be the same situation after paying bills and raising kids.
Double Vomit.

I guess he's supposed to magically fall back in love with his wife (which he's been trying to do, incidentally), or leave his wife and kids to pursue his AP that went no-contact 5 years ago?

What's really nauseating are these shrews anonymously projecting on being left themselves and judging someone they've never known or met.... vomit indeed...

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the whole thread but absolutely stop marriage counselling and do individual counselling for you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW, and I am waiting for the insults, I married my AP and have never looked back. I have one child with my first husband and two with my current husband. I have been married to my AP for 20 years. My ex husband and current husband even golf together. Sure, at first everyone hated everyone, but the kids come first and they just wanted all of us to love one another and get along. My ex also remarried. We all do birthdays and holidays. I host Thanksgiving for everyone every year. I love his wife and my kids stepmom. She is my go to for everything and I truly love her. We are all one big happy blended family.

The kids probably aren’t as happy as you want to think - studies show that. But aside from that, the fact that you “never looked back” and apparently have zero remorse for the way your current relationship started reflects really poorly on you. At least profess to be self-aware enough to realize that it would have been better for everyone involved if you had been mature and unselfish enough to have ended your first marriage before entering another relationship with a married man and blowing up two families.

Oh please, we have a more normal happy family than those that live the lie for the sake of the kids. My parents did that and they were always awful and miserable. They argued over everything. You could tell they hated each other but stuck it out for us. I would have preferred they split.

Second, I didn't look back because I was not going to repeat my parents mistake. I have a great relationship with my first husband. He agrees now the best thing for our kid was not to be together. My kids all feel secure to talk about their feelings. When they struggle we talk. We don 't hold things inside in our family....our big happy blended family. Third, I didn't break up anyone's marriage but my own by cheating. My then AP, now husband had no idea I was married until I told him, he was single at the time we met.

Bottom line for me....you can be upset but I don't care. I know how my kids feel. I know they are normal. My bio kids: 26 yo female, she is married and is an incredible teacher about to have her first kid and both her moms have been here for her every step of the way and we are both going to be in the room when she gives birth, never got a B in school her entire life. 17 yo male, will be going to Harvard in the Fall. 12 yo female, she is entering pre-teen life so that is always fun with a girl, but i must be doing something right because again, she has yet to bring home anything other than 6, 7, and 8s. Oh and both the teens actually like staying home on Saturday nights playing board games with their parents!

I am so sick of people telling others how awful divorce is on the kids. It's bullshit, unless the adults are petty and use the kids as pawns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.

Seriously! Cheaters have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Hence how they can hurt so many people and put themselves first for so long. Toxic or not, BE AN HONORABLE PERSON AND LEAVE.

If I told you my husband verbally and emotionally abused me for years, will you still be on his side? Look, I got married at 18 to a 28 year old man, who I thought was saving me. Over time, he controlled everything I did. I was not even allowed to talk to my mom unless it was on speaker. He would check my texts and phone log every day. I cheated with our neighbor. I never said it was OKAY...I clearly said it's not okay to just cheat. Bottom line for me, it was the AP that made me realize I was being abused. You people and your honorable crap.

Sounds to me like him checking on you ended up to be justified, huh?

Sounds like to me you think his abuse was justified. You are the sick one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

This is exactly how I feel, as well. The chemistry and connection I had with AP ... amazing. I never felt that with my husband, I doubt I ever will. But here I am, we are surviving and even if I am not "in love" with my husband, I am "fine" as you say. I'm fine. Miserable, and fine. I can't imagine life with out AP yet here it is, because I don't have a life with him. So, I'm with my husband, and kids, and lonely, and not alone. I'm fine. (uuugggggh)

So leave, and lose your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.

Seriously! Cheaters have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Hence how they can hurt so many people and put themselves first for so long. Toxic or not, BE AN HONORABLE PERSON AND LEAVE.

If I told you my husband verbally and emotionally abused me for years, will you still be on his side? Look, I got married at 18 to a 28 year old man, who I thought was saving me. Over time, he controlled everything I did. I was not even allowed to talk to my mom unless it was on speaker. He would check my texts and phone log every day. I cheated with our neighbor. I never said it was OKAY...I clearly said it's not okay to just cheat. Bottom line for me, it was the AP that made me realize I was being abused. You people and your honorable crap.

How was it that you couldn't have figured that by yourself?

Unless you understand and have studied the patterns of abuse, please just stop talking. How in the hell in 2020 and the #metoo movement can anyone even effing ask this question of a woman? OMG...do you live on under a rock? Do you know the shame woman carry with them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

This is exactly how I feel, as well. The chemistry and connection I had with AP ... amazing. I never felt that with my husband, I doubt I ever will. But here I am, we are surviving and even if I am not "in love" with my husband, I am "fine" as you say. I'm fine. Miserable, and fine. I can't imagine life with out AP yet here it is, because I don't have a life with him. So, I'm with my husband, and kids, and lonely, and not alone. I'm fine. (uuugggggh)

So leave, and lose your kids.

She will not lose her kids if she leaves, unless she just abandons them. So, stop with the bullying. A judge does not care who she sleeps with...period. They don't even care if you cheated...when it comes to custody. Now alimony, that's gone....and rightfully so. A judge wants to give 50/50 unless there is a good reason, and for those holier than now posters, cheating is not a good reason in the court's eyes. I see it everyday. I work for a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

This is exactly how I feel, as well. The chemistry and connection I had with AP ... amazing. I never felt that with my husband, I doubt I ever will. But here I am, we are surviving and even if I am not "in love" with my husband, I am "fine" as you say. I'm fine. Miserable, and fine. I can't imagine life with out AP yet here it is, because I don't have a life with him. So, I'm with my husband, and kids, and lonely, and not alone. I'm fine. (uuugggggh)

So leave, and lose your kids.

She will not lose her kids if she leaves, unless she just abandons them. So, stop with the bullying. A judge does not care who she sleeps with...period. They don't even care if you cheated...when it comes to custody. Now alimony, that's gone....and rightfully so. A judge wants to give 50/50 unless there is a good reason, and for those holier than now posters, cheating is not a good reason in the court's eyes. I see it everyday. I work for a divorce attorney.

I meant lose their respect / lose them emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW, and I am waiting for the insults, I married my AP and have never looked back. I have one child with my first husband and two with my current husband. I have been married to my AP for 20 years. My ex husband and current husband even golf together. Sure, at first everyone hated everyone, but the kids come first and they just wanted all of us to love one another and get along. My ex also remarried. We all do birthdays and holidays. I host Thanksgiving for everyone every year. I love his wife and my kids stepmom. She is my go to for everything and I truly love her. We are all one big happy blended family.

troll....or mentally ill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

If you're still in love with this other person you're not doing your spouse any favors by trying to married. The AP will always be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.

Seriously! Cheaters have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Hence how they can hurt so many people and put themselves first for so long. Toxic or not, BE AN HONORABLE PERSON AND LEAVE.

If I told you my husband verbally and emotionally abused me for years, will you still be on his side? Look, I got married at 18 to a 28 year old man, who I thought was saving me. Over time, he controlled everything I did. I was not even allowed to talk to my mom unless it was on speaker. He would check my texts and phone log every day. I cheated with our neighbor. I never said it was OKAY...I clearly said it's not okay to just cheat. Bottom line for me, it was the AP that made me realize I was being abused. You people and your honorable crap.

How was it that you couldn't have figured that by yourself?

Unless you understand and have studied the patterns of abuse, please just stop talking. How in the hell in 2020 and the #metoo movement can anyone even effing ask this question of a woman? OMG...do you live on under a rock? Do you know the shame woman carry with them?

How is it that in 2020 women still need men to save them, show them anything, to help them discover anything? How come women are still falling back to being shrinking violets and damsels in distress? First her husband saved her, now her AP is saving her, from what, it is not quite clear.

Btw, I don't believe that her DH was abusive, because abusive men don't stay with women who cheated on them, it's more likely she'd be posting this from a trauma center. And with all this abusive past, she wants to fall in love with him and not divorce?

Hmm. Maybe you can explain it to me better but it seems like someone looking for a target for her pointed finger to avoid saying I cheated because sleeping with new people is fun, and it WAS fun and I'd like more of it but unfortunately I got caught so now it's this big drama with counseling or whatnot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

Vomit.

LOL He worships a woman who was willing to cheat with a married guy! Yep a real winner yet his wonderful wife was willing to give him another chance.
Living a total fantasy and no doubt if he ended up with the AP it would be the same situation after paying bills and raising kids.
Double Vomit.

I guess he's supposed to magically fall back in love with his wife (which he's been trying to do, incidentally), or leave his wife and kids to pursue his AP that went no-contact 5 years ago?

What's really nauseating are these shrews anonymously projecting on being left themselves and judging someone they've never known or met.... vomit indeed...

Listen, I’m not one of those pp but I agree that it is a fantasy that he’s pining for. I haven’t had this happen to me and so definitely not projecting but it is my opinion that he’s a bit clueless about what he wants. He needs to either commit or get out, and he shouldn’t have been stringing his wife along all this time. He doesn’t realize he sucks for doing this to his wife. It sounds like he believes he’s sacrificing for his family but in actuality he has been an ass hole to his wife. She can’t get back this time in her life if he divorces her now or in the future.

[Anonymous]

I say dump the wife. Set her free. My exH left me for a sparkle twat and I'm so glad he did because there's no way I'd want to continue to be married to a man who was pining away for and dreaming about another woman. I clearly remember the times when he'd shut down and I was so confused but boy, when that affair was uncovered it was my aha moment. All that time he was thinking about her and thinking of leaving me for her and what a wonderful, shiny life they'd have together. Let your wife so she can find someone who loves her! Enjoy your sparkle twat!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have kids, think about them knowing you cheated, especially as they get older.

Bit late for that now. I have zero respect for my parent who cheated.

Well, my dad cheated on my mom and I still love him dearly. He didn't cheat on me...so I have no resentment. Plus, my mom has serious mental issues. I ended up with my dad and his new wife, and thank god I did! My mom is a mess.

My Dad took no responsibility and blamed everyone from my mom to me (how on earth did I make him cheat). He always proclaimed strong family values and would never do such a thing and then had been doing it for many years. Of course your mom is a mess. Her husband cheated on her and left her for someone else. What kind of man does that to his wife and kids? You don't take cheat and take away the kids. That is not a good person.

Again, she is mentally ill. She was mentally ill well before he cheated. He tried so hard but she never took her therapy, her medicine or being a mom seriously. All I am saying is my dad is human, he was hurting, we were all hurting because my mom is SICK. People want to act like cheating automatically makes you evil. Well, my dad is my hero for saving me from my mom. He didn't just leave us and start a new life with his new wife. I love my dad and thank god he is the man he is. My stepmom is and always will be more like a mom to me than my bio mom will ever be. I am 40 and still have to find ways to set up boundaries with my mom and my kids. It sucks...

So your dad couldn't "save" you without cheating? It took another woman, not his love for his daughter, to get both of you away from am emotionally unstable person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

Forget the AP
Get back into your own marriage
You CANNOT compare the two...ever.
The grass isn’t always greener......trust me.