Recover from an affair (need advice from others who strayed)

[Anonymous]

FWIW, and I am waiting for the insults, I married my AP and have never looked back. I have one child with my first husband and two with my current husband. I have been married to my AP for 20 years. My ex husband and current husband even golf together. Sure, at first everyone hated everyone, but the kids come first and they just wanted all of us to love one another and get along. My ex also remarried. We all do birthdays and holidays. I host Thanksgiving for everyone every year. I love his wife and my kids stepmom. She is my go to for everything and I truly love her. We are all one big happy blended family.

The kids probably aren’t as happy as you want to think - studies show that. But aside from that, the fact that you “never looked back” and apparently have zero remorse for the way your current relationship started reflects really poorly on you. At least profess to be self-aware enough to realize that it would have been better for everyone involved if you had been mature and unselfish enough to have ended your first marriage before entering another relationship with a married man and blowing up two families.

[Anonymous]

I agree OP isn't seeing who this AP really is. A guy that is willing to date a married woman isn't a jackpot.

Even if they got divorced I think OP would end up in a bad position. Picking abusive men or ones that cheat with you means you have some poor judgement. You have kids, forget these men altogether and focus on your kids. Your AP isn't worth them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is Yoalso through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

100% this. OP, you are not seeing all sides of your AP. You aren’t living with the AP, dealing with stress of kids and finances, cleaning the house, etc. You sound so deep in the fog. Chances are you like how the AP makes you feel, and that’s it. Check back into your marriage. Give it a real chance instead of lining over the unicorns and rainbows in your fantasy world. You are lucky your spouse is willing to give you another chance. Use it wisely. Take advantage of the resources people mentioned. The reality is that you think your situation is different and unique, but it’s just another nothing-special affair, and your AP is someone who is willing to cheat with a married AP and break up another family (maybe their own, too, if AP is married). What about that screams quality person or partner?

No relationship (as young people) begins with the stress of kids and finances. Yet we all get married. No one warns us that the dating fun we have in our 20's isn't real life. So that argument doesn't fly with me. Of course I like how the AP made me feel. Just like how I liked how my husband made me feel when we first started dating. I need help falling back in love with my spouse. Not naysayers telling me my relationship with AP was fantasy. It was no more fantastical than the early years of dating my legitimate husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is Yoalso through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

100% this. OP, you are not seeing all sides of your AP. You aren’t living with the AP, dealing with stress of kids and finances, cleaning the house, etc. You sound so deep in the fog. Chances are you like how the AP makes you feel, and that’s it. Check back into your marriage. Give it a real chance instead of lining over the unicorns and rainbows in your fantasy world. You are lucky your spouse is willing to give you another chance. Use it wisely. Take advantage of the resources people mentioned. The reality is that you think your situation is different and unique, but it’s just another nothing-special affair, and your AP is someone who is willing to cheat with a married AP and break up another family (maybe their own, too, if AP is married). What about that screams quality person or partner?

No relationship (as young people) begins with the stress of kids and finances. Yet we all get married. No one warns us that the dating fun we have in our 20's isn't real life. So that argument doesn't fly with me. Of course I like how the AP made me feel. Just like how I liked how my husband made me feel when we first started dating. I need help falling back in love with my spouse. Not naysayers telling me my relationship with AP was fantasy. It was no more fantastical than the early years of dating my legitimate husband.

A lot of denial going on here. If you don't love him it's probably not going to happen. Can't force yourself, but you can stay married. If you want to keep the family together I would suggest accepting it will be a roommate type marriage. Many are and they work. Many couples don't stay in love for various reasons. You need to accept that you may never feel that for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is Yoalso through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

100% this. OP, you are not seeing all sides of your AP. You aren’t living with the AP, dealing with stress of kids and finances, cleaning the house, etc. You sound so deep in the fog. Chances are you like how the AP makes you feel, and that’s it. Check back into your marriage. Give it a real chance instead of lining over the unicorns and rainbows in your fantasy world. You are lucky your spouse is willing to give you another chance. Use it wisely. Take advantage of the resources people mentioned. The reality is that you think your situation is different and unique, but it’s just another nothing-special affair, and your AP is someone who is willing to cheat with a married AP and break up another family (maybe their own, too, if AP is married). What about that screams quality person or partner?

No relationship (as young people) begins with the stress of kids and finances. Yet we all get married. No one warns us that the dating fun we have in our 20's isn't real life. So that argument doesn't fly with me. Of course I like how the AP made me feel. Just like how I liked how my husband made me feel when we first started dating. I need help falling back in love with my spouse. Not naysayers telling me my relationship with AP was fantasy. It was no more fantastical than the early years of dating my legitimate husband.

A lot of denial going on here. If you don't love him it's probably not going to happen. Can't force yourself, but you can stay married. If you want to keep the family together I would suggest accepting it will be a roommate type marriage. Many are and they work. Many couples don't stay in love for various reasons. You need to accept that you may never feel that for him.

Hey, thank you. I may not be able to get it back. If that is the case I will leave. It isn't fair to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is Yoalso through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

100% this. OP, you are not seeing all sides of your AP. You aren’t living with the AP, dealing with stress of kids and finances, cleaning the house, etc. You sound so deep in the fog. Chances are you like how the AP makes you feel, and that’s it. Check back into your marriage. Give it a real chance instead of lining over the unicorns and rainbows in your fantasy world. You are lucky your spouse is willing to give you another chance. Use it wisely. Take advantage of the resources people mentioned. The reality is that you think your situation is different and unique, but it’s just another nothing-special affair, and your AP is someone who is willing to cheat with a married AP and break up another family (maybe their own, too, if AP is married). What about that screams quality person or partner?

No relationship (as young people) begins with the stress of kids and finances. Yet we all get married. No one warns us that the dating fun we have in our 20's isn't real life. So that argument doesn't fly with me. Of course I like how the AP made me feel. Just like how I liked how my husband made me feel when we first started dating. I need help falling back in love with my spouse. Not naysayers telling me my relationship with AP was fantasy. It was no more fantastical than the early years of dating my legitimate husband.

My ap was way more fantastical than the feelings i had for my spouse before we married. He made me feel amazing, in a way i never had before, nor since. I loved the way he made me feel.

If i could do it again I'd do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

FWIW, and I am waiting for the insults, I married my AP and have never looked back. I have one child with my first husband and two with my current husband. I have been married to my AP for 20 years. My ex husband and current husband even golf together. Sure, at first everyone hated everyone, but the kids come first and they just wanted all of us to love one another and get along. My ex also remarried. We all do birthdays and holidays. I host Thanksgiving for everyone every year. I love his wife and my kids stepmom. She is my go to for everything and I truly love her. We are all one big happy blended family.

The kids probably aren’t as happy as you want to think - studies show that. But aside from that, the fact that you “never looked back” and apparently have zero remorse for the way your current relationship started reflects really poorly on you. At least profess to be self-aware enough to realize that it would have been better for everyone involved if you had been mature and unselfish enough to have ended your first marriage before entering another relationship with a married man and blowing up two families.

The one child isn't as happy and her pretending to be one happy family isn't exactly true. Its all a good show.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is Yoalso through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

100% this. OP, you are not seeing all sides of your AP. You aren’t living with the AP, dealing with stress of kids and finances, cleaning the house, etc. You sound so deep in the fog. Chances are you like how the AP makes you feel, and that’s it. Check back into your marriage. Give it a real chance instead of lining over the unicorns and rainbows in your fantasy world. You are lucky your spouse is willing to give you another chance. Use it wisely. Take advantage of the resources people mentioned. The reality is that you think your situation is different and unique, but it’s just another nothing-special affair, and your AP is someone who is willing to cheat with a married AP and break up another family (maybe their own, too, if AP is married). What about that screams quality person or partner?

No relationship (as young people) begins with the stress of kids and finances. Yet we all get married. No one warns us that the dating fun we have in our 20's isn't real life. So that argument doesn't fly with me. Of course I like how the AP made me feel. Just like how I liked how my husband made me feel when we first started dating. I need help falling back in love with my spouse. Not naysayers telling me my relationship with AP was fantasy. It was no more fantastical than the early years of dating my legitimate husband.

Most of us knew what marriage was like going into it. You should never have gotten married and should divorce as he deserves better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

I am not sure what to do in your situation. I don't understand the position of your spouse that doesn't want to divorce. I've been cheated on, with a long-term affair, and in my experience recovery goes like this:

Discovery -> anger and offer to divorce from the wronged spouse -> begging for forgiveness and wanting to be forgiven -> the road to recovery.

There is no recovery without asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile, by the cheater. If the cheated-on spouse doesn't want to divorce...I don't know what to tell you. She or he should want to divorce. Even if she or he doesn't, you should think that they do, just so that you can repent properly. The proper process is that they try to walk out, and you crawl after them on your knees trying to beg them not to leave. Anything else, I don't know how it would work.

If you don't want to beg and reconcile, then I don't think you ought to occupy yourself with forcing "in-love"ness, and the fact that your spouse doesn't want to divorce shouldn't stop you.

[Anonymous]

Actually, to fall back in love with your spouse, imagine that you divorce them, and they get married to a younger, richer, better-looking and nicer person than you. That usually wakes up the love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.

Seriously! Cheaters have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Hence how they can hurt so many people and put themselves first for so long. Toxic or not, BE AN HONORABLE PERSON AND LEAVE.

If I told you my husband verbally and emotionally abused me for years, will you still be on his side? Look, I got married at 18 to a 28 year old man, who I thought was saving me. Over time, he controlled everything I did. I was not even allowed to talk to my mom unless it was on speaker. He would check my texts and phone log every day. I cheated with our neighbor. I never said it was OKAY...I clearly said it's not okay to just cheat. Bottom line for me, it was the AP that made me realize I was being abused. You people and your honorable crap.

How was it that you couldn't have figured that by yourself?

[Anonymous]

My ap was way more fantastical than the feelings i had for my spouse before we married. He made me feel amazing, in a way i never had before, nor since. I loved the way he made me feel.

If i could do it again I'd do it again.

Your spouse deserves so much more. Do you have a conscience? All of your posts are all about you. Do you even care about the destruction you have wrought on your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My AP opened my eyes to how I deserved to be treated. It is so hard to give that up for a man who made changes only in response to know another man was in the picture.

OP, how so? From what you wrote he did not leave his wife for you--he stayed to work on the marriage. That means you were not #1 in his book, right? I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm trying to get you to see this from a different perspective. We ALL deserve to be a number one priority to our partner/spouse/significant other. That can't happen in an affair. Take some time, give yourself some distance from the affair and you may just see things in a different light. I think IC is a great idea for anyone struggling with what they want and how to pursue true happiness.

[Anonymous]

I was your spouse, save them the heartache and get divorced now. Stay with counseling for yourself.

[Anonymous]

I am not sure why you want to stay married when you clearly despise your husband. Btw these changes won’t last and probably won’t forgive you, he’s just in shock now. Men typically have a much harder time forgiving physical infidelity. It he’s as bad as you say, just leave and be done.