Recover from an affair (need advice from others who strayed)

[Anonymous]

I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

[Anonymous]

There is a lot of good advice and resources in the wayward forum on surviving infidelity.com. Read them.

[Anonymous]

Why marriage counseling? Your marriage did not cause the affair. Most people recommend individual counseling for the cheater before MC.

[Anonymous]

Yes. But marriage counseling is a joke ...lots of individual therapy to deal with my own stuff... it helped me stop blaming others for my bad decisions.

I love my spouse more for letting work through all my issues.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am in individual counseling as well.

[Anonymous]

Do you love your wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your wife?

I think the cheater may be a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your wife?

I think the cheater may be a woman.

You could be right.
OP, do you love your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your wife?

I think the cheater may be a woman.

You could be right.
OP, do you love your spouse?

Yes, in a familial way. Emotional intimacy was absent from our marriage for a long time and I found that with someone else. I am not sure I can have that same depth of connection with my spouse. I am going to try but I have to admit right now my heart is with the affair partner. My spouse treated me very poorly for a number of years so there is a lot of resentment too.

[Anonymous]

If you have kids, think about them knowing you cheated, especially as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have kids, think about them knowing you cheated, especially as they get older.

Bit late for that now. I have zero respect for my parent who cheated.

[Anonymous]

Ugghhh...emotional affairs sicken me.
What happened to good old fashioned no-feelings-involved f><king.

[Anonymous]

I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have kids, think about them knowing you cheated, especially as they get older.

Bit late for that now. I have zero respect for my parent who cheated.

Well, my dad cheated on my mom and I still love him dearly. He didn't cheat on me...so I have no resentment. Plus, my mom has serious mental issues. I ended up with my dad and his new wife, and thank god I did! My mom is a mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.