Recover from an affair (need advice from others who strayed)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have kids, think about them knowing you cheated, especially as they get older.

Bit late for that now. I have zero respect for my parent who cheated.

Well, my dad cheated on my mom and I still love him dearly. He didn't cheat on me...so I have no resentment. Plus, my mom has serious mental issues. I ended up with my dad and his new wife, and thank god I did! My mom is a mess.

My Dad took no responsibility and blamed everyone from my mom to me (how on earth did I make him cheat). He always proclaimed strong family values and would never do such a thing and then had been doing it for many years. Of course your mom is a mess. Her husband cheated on her and left her for someone else. What kind of man does that to his wife and kids? You don't take cheat and take away the kids. That is not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have kids, think about them knowing you cheated, especially as they get older.

Bit late for that now. I have zero respect for my parent who cheated.

Well, my dad cheated on my mom and I still love him dearly. He didn't cheat on me...so I have no resentment. Plus, my mom has serious mental issues. I ended up with my dad and his new wife, and thank god I did! My mom is a mess.

My Dad took no responsibility and blamed everyone from my mom to me (how on earth did I make him cheat). He always proclaimed strong family values and would never do such a thing and then had been doing it for many years. Of course your mom is a mess. Her husband cheated on her and left her for someone else. What kind of man does that to his wife and kids? You don't take cheat and take away the kids. That is not a good person.

+1. How do you not become a mess if the spouse cheats and also the child leaves? Awful situation for the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.

Seriously! Cheaters have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Hence how they can hurt so many people and put themselves first for so long. Toxic or not, BE AN HONORABLE PERSON AND LEAVE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your wife?

I think the cheater may be a woman.

You could be right.
OP, do you love your spouse?

Yes, in a familial way. Emotional intimacy was absent from our marriage for a long time and I found that with someone else. I am not sure I can have that same depth of connection with my spouse. I am going to try but I have to admit right now my heart is with the affair partner. My spouse treated me very poorly for a number of years so there is a lot of resentment too.

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is also through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your wife?

I think the cheater may be a woman.

You could be right.
OP, do you love your spouse?

Yes, in a familial way. Emotional intimacy was absent from our marriage for a long time and I found that with someone else. I am not sure I can have that same depth of connection with my spouse. I am going to try but I have to admit right now my heart is with the affair partner. My spouse treated me very poorly for a number of years so there is a lot of resentment too.

And why are you staying in the marriage? Because your spouse don’t want to divorce?

[Anonymous]

You are in the Affair Fog.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest you go to individual counseling and find happiness from within. If you have kids, think about the impact on their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love your wife?

I think the cheater may be a woman.

You could be right.
OP, do you love your spouse?

Yes, in a familial way. Emotional intimacy was absent from our marriage for a long time and I found that with someone else. I am not sure I can have that same depth of connection with my spouse. I am going to try but I have to admit right now my heart is with the affair partner. My spouse treated me very poorly for a number of years so there is a lot of resentment too.

I'm sorry OP. It may take a long time to get over your AP. When did it end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have kids, think about them knowing you cheated, especially as they get older.

Bit late for that now. I have zero respect for my parent who cheated.

Well, my dad cheated on my mom and I still love him dearly. He didn't cheat on me...so I have no resentment. Plus, my mom has serious mental issues. I ended up with my dad and his new wife, and thank god I did! My mom is a mess.

My Dad took no responsibility and blamed everyone from my mom to me (how on earth did I make him cheat). He always proclaimed strong family values and would never do such a thing and then had been doing it for many years. Of course your mom is a mess. Her husband cheated on her and left her for someone else. What kind of man does that to his wife and kids? You don't take cheat and take away the kids. That is not a good person.

Again, she is mentally ill. She was mentally ill well before he cheated. He tried so hard but she never took her therapy, her medicine or being a mom seriously. All I am saying is my dad is human, he was hurting, we were all hurting because my mom is SICK. People want to act like cheating automatically makes you evil. Well, my dad is my hero for saving me from my mom. He didn't just leave us and start a new life with his new wife. I love my dad and thank god he is the man he is. My stepmom is and always will be more like a mom to me than my bio mom will ever be. I am 40 and still have to find ways to set up boundaries with my mom and my kids. It sucks...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.

Seriously! Cheaters have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Hence how they can hurt so many people and put themselves first for so long. Toxic or not, BE AN HONORABLE PERSON AND LEAVE.

If I told you my husband verbally and emotionally abused me for years, will you still be on his side? Look, I got married at 18 to a 28 year old man, who I thought was saving me. Over time, he controlled everything I did. I was not even allowed to talk to my mom unless it was on speaker. He would check my texts and phone log every day. I cheated with our neighbor. I never said it was OKAY...I clearly said it's not okay to just cheat. Bottom line for me, it was the AP that made me realize I was being abused. You people and your honorable crap.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. My AP opened my eyes to how I deserved to be treated. It is so hard to give that up for a man who made changes only in response to know another man was in the picture.

[Anonymous]

FWIW, and I am waiting for the insults, I married my AP and have never looked back. I have one child with my first husband and two with my current husband. I have been married to my AP for 20 years. My ex husband and current husband even golf together. Sure, at first everyone hated everyone, but the kids come first and they just wanted all of us to love one another and get along. My ex also remarried. We all do birthdays and holidays. I host Thanksgiving for everyone every year. I love his wife and my kids stepmom. She is my go to for everything and I truly love her. We are all one big happy blended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My AP opened my eyes to how I deserved to be treated. It is so hard to give that up for a man who made changes only in response to know another man was in the picture.

Just stop! Do the therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My AP opened my eyes to how I deserved to be treated. It is so hard to give that up for a man who made changes only in response to know another man was in the picture.

Get out of the marriage. All you had to do instead of cheating.

Get divorced and get some therapy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is Yoalso through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

100% this. OP, you are not seeing all sides of your AP. You aren’t living with the AP, dealing with stress of kids and finances, cleaning the house, etc. You sound so deep in the fog. Chances are you like how the AP makes you feel, and that’s it. Check back into your marriage. Give it a real chance instead of lining over the unicorns and rainbows in your fantasy world. You are lucky your spouse is willing to give you another chance. Use it wisely. Take advantage of the resources people mentioned. The reality is that you think your situation is different and unique, but it’s just another nothing-special affair, and your AP is someone who is willing to cheat with a married AP and break up another family (maybe their own, too, if AP is married). What about that screams quality person or partner?