Recover from an affair (need advice from others who strayed)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

So a couple of things:

Your connection with the AP could be your reflection of what you want on the AP and may not be grounded in reality. Also, your current view of marriage is Yoalso through the lens of affair and so you could be re-writing some of that. In other words, you need some time, distance and self-reflection before taking big steps.

100% this. OP, you are not seeing all sides of your AP. You aren’t living with the AP, dealing with stress of kids and finances, cleaning the house, etc. You sound so deep in the fog. Chances are you like how the AP makes you feel, and that’s it. Check back into your marriage. Give it a real chance instead of lining over the unicorns and rainbows in your fantasy world. You are lucky your spouse is willing to give you another chance. Use it wisely. Take advantage of the resources people mentioned. The reality is that you think your situation is different and unique, but it’s just another nothing-special affair, and your AP is someone who is willing to cheat with a married AP and break up another family (maybe their own, too, if AP is married). What about that screams quality person or partner?

No relationship (as young people) begins with the stress of kids and finances. Yet we all get married. No one warns us that the dating fun we have in our 20's isn't real life. So that argument doesn't fly with me. Of course I like how the AP made me feel. Just like how I liked how my husband made me feel when we first started dating. I need help falling back in love with my spouse. Not naysayers telling me my relationship with AP was fantasy. It was no more fantastical than the early years of dating my legitimate husband.

If you had a really good beginning and foundation with your spouse, and only you can know that, it can come back....with time, turning toward your partner with loving acts and maybe just maybe you will be surprised. But you need distance and withdrawal from the AP. And probably therapy

[Anonymous]

No, but I didn’t want to.

[Anonymous]

Op, you spouse should divorce you. Don't care what happens to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

Sounds like you have no ability to accept responsibility. The marriage was toxic as you choose to cheat. You never cheat. Be honorable and get a divorce if the marriage is so bad.

Seriously! Cheaters have an amazing ability to compartmentalize. Hence how they can hurt so many people and put themselves first for so long. Toxic or not, BE AN HONORABLE PERSON AND LEAVE.

If I told you my husband verbally and emotionally abused me for years, will you still be on his side? Look, I got married at 18 to a 28 year old man, who I thought was saving me. Over time, he controlled everything I did. I was not even allowed to talk to my mom unless it was on speaker. He would check my texts and phone log every day. I cheated with our neighbor. I never said it was OKAY...I clearly said it's not okay to just cheat. Bottom line for me, it was the AP that made me realize I was being abused. You people and your honorable crap.

Sounds to me like him checking on you ended up to be justified, huh?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was the cheater and I have to to tell you after my own personal intense counseling, it made me realize I was in a toxic marriage. While cheating is never okay, and I did cheat on my husband, what counseling did show me is that my marriage was a joke and we divorced because of that and not the affair. I ended up remarrying 5 years later to a man that is my person, that is right for me. No, he was not the AP that I was madly in love with either. Just be ready to leave your spouse regardless of what they want.

This is my story too, only I am now with the AP. My marriage was very abusive and I unfortunately didn’t recognize how toxic it was until I already strayed. Live and learn. I wish it went down differently, but saving this marriage was at the expense of my own self worth. He did want to stay after he found out too, but ultimately I felt we were both dysfunctional together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

Vomit.

[Anonymous]

If your heart is w/the person you had an affair with - there is really no room for you to have enough love to love them both.

You are admittedly still in love w/another person & that will always be a barrier to loving your wife the way a husband SHOULD.

I would divorce my wife & try to make things work w/the other woman.

Because the OW is taking up tons of space in your heart already.
Which leaves your wife w/very little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

This is exactly how I feel, as well. The chemistry and connection I had with AP ... amazing. I never felt that with my husband, I doubt I ever will. But here I am, we are surviving and even if I am not "in love" with my husband, I am "fine" as you say. I'm fine. Miserable, and fine. I can't imagine life with out AP yet here it is, because I don't have a life with him. So, I'm with my husband, and kids, and lonely, and not alone. I'm fine. (uuugggggh)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, to fall back in love with your spouse, imagine that you divorce them, and they get married to a younger, richer, better-looking and nicer person than you. That usually wakes up the love.

I keep imagining spouse will divorce me ... it doesn't seem horrible. Maybe a little lonely, but I'd like to see him happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

So you seem like a smart person and so would say look back at your post. What you mention are connection and chemistry with your AP, and marriage/ life chipping away at your soul. This means what you value is newness if a relationship where there is excitement and butterflies, and also where there isn’t the everyday work of life that “chips” away at you.

To me, you are pining for someone who is a blank slate. Sounds like that particular AP is just a veneer for that need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

I am not sure what to do in your situation. I don't understand the position of your spouse that doesn't want to divorce. I've been cheated on, with a long-term affair, and in my experience recovery goes like this:

Discovery -> anger and offer to divorce from the wronged spouse -> begging for forgiveness and wanting to be forgiven -> the road to recovery.

There is no recovery without asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile, by the cheater. If the cheated-on spouse doesn't want to divorce...I don't know what to tell you. She or he should want to divorce. Even if she or he doesn't, you should think that they do, just so that you can repent properly. The proper process is that they try to walk out, and you crawl after them on your knees trying to beg them not to leave. Anything else, I don't know how it would work.

If you don't want to beg and reconcile, then I don't think you ought to occupy yourself with forcing "in-love"ness, and the fact that your spouse doesn't want to divorce shouldn't stop you.

This. All of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

I was in your situation 3 years ago. I'm still in love with AP and struggle to maintain feelings of intimacy for my spouse. I don't know what I'll do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

I am not sure what to do in your situation. I don't understand the position of your spouse that doesn't want to divorce. I've been cheated on, with a long-term affair, and in my experience recovery goes like this:

Discovery -> anger and offer to divorce from the wronged spouse -> begging for forgiveness and wanting to be forgiven -> the road to recovery.

There is no recovery without asking for forgiveness and wanting to reconcile, by the cheater. If the cheated-on spouse doesn't want to divorce...I don't know what to tell you. She or he should want to divorce. Even if she or he doesn't, you should think that they do, just so that you can repent properly. The proper process is that they try to walk out, and you crawl after them on your knees trying to beg them not to leave. Anything else, I don't know how it would work.

If you don't want to beg and reconcile, then I don't think you ought to occupy yourself with forcing "in-love"ness, and the fact that your spouse doesn't want to divorce shouldn't stop you.

This. All of it.

This.... well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am trying to mend my marriage after a long-term affair. I was the cheater. I am still in love with the other person but have gone no contact to try to work on things at home. We are in marriage counseling and some of issues that led to affair are being addressed but the strong feelings i have for other person are hard to overcome. My spouse does not want to divorce. If you were the cheater, were you able to fall back in love with your spouse? Judgers, please refrain from commenting -- I know where you stand.

No, I never fell back in love. It's been five years since she went no contact, and I still love her. I care for my wife - she's the mother of my children, and we've built this life together. But no amount of counseling or reprogramming would ever create the chemistry, the connection I felt with my AP. I would give anything to feel this way about my wife, the person I agreed to spend the rest of my life with. But it's too late, and it was over before AP entered my life. Life chips away and chips away at your soul, and instead of being a shelter from the storm, the marriage is just another source of stress, another crisis, another problem in need of solving. You make your peace with the way it is, the way it will always be. You get really good at being ... fine. And you miss her, and hope she's okay, and you try to come to terms with the rest of your life.

Vomit.

LOL He worships a woman who was willing to cheat with a married guy! Yep a real winner yet his wonderful wife was willing to give him another chance.
Living a total fantasy and no doubt if he ended up with the AP it would be the same situation after paying bills and raising kids.
Double Vomit.