Friend doesn’t let me drive or host her DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is cultural. You may be a nice person, but you are not someone that she will trust with her child. I am the same way.

I am very reluctant to trust people outside of my culture. Truth be told most immigrant women do not trust American women no matter how nice you appear to be. Many immigrant women tend to be conservative. We take threat to many of the loose and liberal parental styles that some Americans practice.

Also, what is okay or normal in your culture may be offensive in your friend's culture.

Please do not take it personal. It is cultural and you will never understand our ways. Just focus on the children's friendships without being overbearing. Do not be pushy or create unnecessary drama. You have no idea how difficult it is to trust someone with your most prized possession your child.

You realize racism can be embedded in a cultural? Mistrusting and stereotyping a whole race is classic racism.
I hope this "cultural tradition" isn't passed down to your kids, that their white friends can't be trusted since they are not "Indian" enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have friends, our kids are the same age and we have known each other since they were babies.

The family is Indian and they spend most if their weekends exchanging social obligations with their Indian relatives and friends and attending weddings and engagement parties or hosting guests. So we haven’t seen much of each other. We always go to each other’s kids birthday parties and have a play date here and there.

since last year our kids are in the same school, the same class and they do the same sport after school. The kids are bffs.

I have offered to take her kid to the sport after school but she never agrees. She would rather have her kid skip practice than allow me to drive her there. She won’t let me drive her kid a block to her house even when she’s very busy. She never allows her kid to come for a sleepover or play date alone.

Today our kids were going to an activity and her DD was begging her in front if us to let her come to our house before the event and drive with us. She said no.

She is OK about going together to public place
s like a zoo or museum. She has taken my DD alone with them a couple of times but she never lets me do it.

I don’t understand this. Does it mean she doesn’t trust me as a driver? Does she not trust my family to take care of her daughter?

Why does this have to be anything cultural. I'm american and I do not allow my children to be driven by others or to sleep over. That is our family decision and it has nothing to do with any other parent. There are a select few family members who we feel comfortable driving our children. Why do you feel entitled to an explanation or to drive her child anywhere?

I agree. Another American here that does the same. I also prefer not driving or hosting other kids in my home without the parent. Too risky and I make no apologies.

So what are going to do when your child gets older? When they’re in high school never let them go to friends house without you?

Pp here. My kids are much younger than Op. I have a long time before they are in high school. But no. Let’s not be silly. High school and elementary are two different animals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This was my mom (not Indian but from a European country). I was never allowed to go anywhere with other parents or my friends houses unless she knew the family extremely well. Especially not if they had brothers/dads/uncles around. Sleepovers, until high school, were with only 2 trusted families. It isn’t anything personal OP.

So basically it comes down to a trust issues. If you don’t trust your child to be alone with me, then are we really friends?

Yep. This is what I ended up concluding after a long period of frustration. The friendship was not what I thought.

I think cultural causing the mistrust. It's not going to change, nurture the kids friendship, but don't expect your friendship to deepen with the clash/annoyances. I tend to gravitate towards like-minded friendships.

PP here. I’m starting to as well now. Particularly when it involves my children. For myself, I like my group of multicultural friends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm Indian (the child of immigrants), so I get the difference between Indian friends and "American" friends. It's hard to explain, but I hope this provides a little perspective. Where I grew up, our Indian community was very, very close. Our parents were all each other had because their family was thousands of miles away - it was like the community replaced the families our parents had left. My parents had American friends, but they were held a little bit at arms length because they weren't really a known entity. They were also a little worried that they might not be doing the right thing or saying the right things since we weren't American.

I'd like to suggest that you speak to your friend about it kindly. Just say "I would love to have Priya over for a playdate, and I would be happy to pick her up. You've seemed reluctant about it in the past, is there anything that I can do to make you feel more comfortable with this?" Maybe even throw in something about having known them for years, and feeling like you're close family friends at this point.

I promise you this isn't because she doesn't like you, or she doesn't trust you, or even that she doesn't value your friendship. I'm sure she does, it's truly just level of comfort.

*Cue the DCUMers bashing me for trying to help out both OP and her friend.

[Anonymous]

Why are so many of you devastated that a minority mom does not want their children to be host by you? Minorities have to constantly be in white spaces. Sometimes we just want a break from you. We do not want to constantly entertain you or your children. We do that at work and at school all day long. I can guarantee you that every brown and black person will have to agree that is it sometimes refreshing to not have to always be in white spaces all the time. People just want to be around like minded families and that is okay. It is okay for individuals to spend their free time around those who understand them and their culture.

I swear, white fragility is beyond exhausting. Folks claim that they want to maintain cultural ties with people within their community, but fragile white women are hurt by this. The audacity of white privileged which thinks that the OP's friend is obliged to submit to her every whim.

Respect people's cultures and their comfort level. The passive aggressiveness and your blinded white privileged makes many minority moms uncomfortable. Some of the posts in this thread just solidifies to me the arrogance and sense of entitlement that some people have. No, it is not your right to expect or dictate how another mom chooses to raise their child. Different moms have different comfort levels and that is perfectly fine.

Some of you lack cultural sensitivity and awareness. This is what many minority moms fear about having you host our children. You can not hide your veiled racism and cultural bigotry from us. Think about your interactions with minority moms on a daily basis. Some of the same folks here whining are probably so blinded by their mistreatment of minority moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Pp here. My kids are much younger than Op. I have a long time before they are in high school. But no. Let’s not be silly. High school and elementary are two different animals.

So then how is it relevant to this conversation? That you don’t let little kid go to other people’s houses . We’re talking about big kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Why are so many of you devastated that a minority mom does not want their children to be host by you? Minorities have to constantly be in white spaces. Sometimes we just want a break from you. We do not want to constantly entertain you or your children. We do that at work and at school all day long. I can guarantee you that every brown and black person will have to agree that is it sometimes refreshing to not have to always be in white spaces all the time. People just want to be around like minded families and that is okay. It is okay for individuals to spend their free time around those who understand them and their culture.

I swear, white fragility is beyond exhausting. Folks claim that they want to maintain cultural ties with people within their community, but fragile white women are hurt by this. The audacity of white privileged which thinks that the OP's friend is obliged to submit to her every whim.

Respect people's cultures and their comfort level. The passive aggressiveness and your blinded white privileged makes many minority moms uncomfortable. Some of the posts in this thread just solidifies to me the arrogance and sense of entitlement that some people have. No, it is not your right to expect or dictate how another mom chooses to raise their child. Different moms have different comfort levels and that is perfectly fine.

Some of you lack cultural sensitivity and awareness. This is what many minority moms fear about having you host our children. You can not hide your veiled racism and cultural bigotry from us. Think about your interactions with minority moms on a daily basis. Some of the same folks here whining are probably so blinded by their mistreatment of minority moms.

.

OP here. I really wasn’t thinking of her as a minority. I was thinking of her as a friend.
And the issue of this is our kids want to be friends. They want to hangout together, go to each other’s houses, do things together, ride together. But they can’t because this mom will not let them.

[Anonymous]

Honestly op your over-reaction to this suggests that in addition to likely cultural differences the mom may sense you are a bit of a hot-head. It’s unusual to be worked up about something so small.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Why are so many of you devastated that a minority mom does not want their children to be host by you? Minorities have to constantly be in white spaces. Sometimes we just want a break from you. We do not want to constantly entertain you or your children. We do that at work and at school all day long. I can guarantee you that every brown and black person will have to agree that is it sometimes refreshing to not have to always be in white spaces all the time. People just want to be around like minded families and that is okay. It is okay for individuals to spend their free time around those who understand them and their culture.

I swear, white fragility is beyond exhausting. Folks claim that they want to maintain cultural ties with people within their community, but fragile white women are hurt by this. The audacity of white privileged which thinks that the OP's friend is obliged to submit to her every whim.

Respect people's cultures and their comfort level. The passive aggressiveness and your blinded white privileged makes many minority moms uncomfortable. Some of the posts in this thread just solidifies to me the arrogance and sense of entitlement that some people have. No, it is not your right to expect or dictate how another mom chooses to raise their child. Different moms have different comfort levels and that is perfectly fine.

Some of you lack cultural sensitivity and awareness. This is what many minority moms fear about having you host our children. You can not hide your veiled racism and cultural bigotry from us. Think about your interactions with minority moms on a daily basis. Some of the same folks here whining are probably so blinded by their mistreatment of minority moms.

I’m not going to change your bigoted opinion but this isn’t an example of white privilege. This is an example of someone who considers a woman a friend wondering why she isn’t trusted with her child. I think all people here (regardless of color) not allowing their kids to have play dates with families that they know well are doing their child a disadvantage. And you, poster, are just passing on all your bigotry with this nonsense. You don’t speak for all POC with this bs.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’ve lived in and traveled to various Asian countries. I’ve also worked with many Asian people. On the whole, they prefer to spend time with people from their own cultures. This may seem odd to westerners, but it’s not a reflection on you. They probably just feel more comfortable, especially if they’re immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why does this have to be anything cultural. I'm american and I do not allow my children to be driven by others or to sleep over. That is our family decision and it has nothing to do with any other parent. There are a select few family members who we feel comfortable driving our children. Why do you feel entitled to an explanation or to drive her child anywhere?

Because I let her drive my child?

I don’t feel like we are at acquaintance level. We’ve known each other for years. Go to playdates, kids birthday parties, I visited her in a hospital when she was sick. I invited them to join our sports team and because of this I see them every week. Otherwise, I don’t see them often as they have numerous Indian parties to attend on weekends.

If this is OP, you are not getting it. You pushed the relationship she went along. But you are not an insider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Why does this have to be anything cultural. I'm american and I do not allow my children to be driven by others or to sleep over. That is our family decision and it has nothing to do with any other parent. There are a select few family members who we feel comfortable driving our children. Why do you feel entitled to an explanation or to drive her child anywhere?

Because I let her drive my child?

I don’t feel like we are at acquaintance level. We’ve known each other for years. Go to playdates, kids birthday parties, I visited her in a hospital when she was sick. I invited them to join our sports team and because of this I see them every week. Otherwise, I don’t see them often as they have numerous Indian parties to attend on weekends.

If this is OP, you are not getting it. You pushed the relationship she went along. But you are not an insider.

That’s the weird part. I haven’t pushed for it. Many times she reached out to me.
But whatever. I’m not going to loose sleep over this. It’s just very disappointing.

That and also the kids have a talent show coming up. She asked me to ask DD if she wants to do an Indian dance with her DD and some other Indian girls at school. She was going to teach them. DD said yes. Then after 0 practices she said she doesn’t have time to teach DD but the Indian girls already know the moves. So now I have to explain to DD that she’s excluded because she’s not Indian.

So I thought this was not nice and I’m getting tired of the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

It just sounds as if she’s not a very nice person and this has zero to do with her culture. I’d drop her and encourage your DD you make other friends.

[Anonymous]

I feel like if you don’t like being around other races, the USA is not for you. Insularity is not a good look on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like if you don’t like being around other races, the USA is not for you. Insularity is not a good look on anyone.

Are you going to deport the white supremacists?