Friend doesn’t let me drive or host her DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I’ve had friends like this. But, the differences in parenting created problems.

I have many Indian friends. The ones who are American born are more similar to me, and the ones who are immigrants are different culturally. Overall, both groups are cautious and don’t like their kids to be away on play dates/sleepovers unless they REALLY REALLY trust you.

Isn’t it insane though? These are not little kids. 10 years old. Wth?

They just simply don’t trust anyone who isn’t in their family or a close personal friend. That didn’t work for me, so I encouraged my DD to make new friends.

And, that's fine. I want to know someone and visit their house before I hand over my child. Its not just immigrant groups, I'm not.

The cars are a huge issue for me as mine and a lot of other kids I see should be in booster seats as they don't fit in the seats well in most (some are ok) cars. If you don't have the common sense to keep your 6-10+ year old in a booster and don't use one for mine, you are not driving my child. I'll meet you or your kids can come with us. Other issue is supervision. A lot of parents invite friends over and ignore the kids. I don't know your home, set up or parenting.

You’re misunderstanding....we ARE talking about friends. Not strangers or acquaintances. It’s tricky and frustrating when a friend won’t let their child go to a friend’s house. It eventually kills sweet friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This was my mom (not Indian but from a European country). I was never allowed to go anywhere with other parents or my friends houses unless she knew the family extremely well. Especially not if they had brothers/dads/uncles around. Sleepovers, until high school, were with only 2 trusted families. It isn’t anything personal OP.

So basically it comes down to a trust issues. If you don’t trust your child to be alone with me, then are we really friends?

Yep. This is what I ended up concluding after a long period of frustration. The friendship was not what I thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I’ve had friends like this. But, the differences in parenting created problems.

I have many Indian friends. The ones who are American born are more similar to me, and the ones who are immigrants are different culturally. Overall, both groups are cautious and don’t like their kids to be away on play dates/sleepovers unless they REALLY REALLY trust you.

Isn’t it insane though? These are not little kids. 10 years old. Wth?

They just simply don’t trust anyone who isn’t in their family or a close personal friend. That didn’t work for me, so I encouraged my DD to make new friends.

And, that's fine. I want to know someone and visit their house before I hand over my child. Its not just immigrant groups, I'm not.

The cars are a huge issue for me as mine and a lot of other kids I see should be in booster seats as they don't fit in the seats well in most (some are ok) cars. If you don't have the common sense to keep your 6-10+ year old in a booster and don't use one for mine, you are not driving my child. I'll meet you or your kids can come with us. Other issue is supervision. A lot of parents invite friends over and ignore the kids. I don't know your home, set up or parenting.

You’re misunderstanding....we ARE talking about friends. Not strangers or acquaintances. It’s tricky and frustrating when a friend won’t let their child go to a friend’s house. It eventually kills sweet friendships.

They don't sound like that great friends. We don't let ours go to some peoples homes. It really depends on the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And, that's fine. I want to know someone and visit their house before I hand over my child. Its not just immigrant groups, I'm not.

The cars are a huge issue for me as mine and a lot of other kids I see should be in booster seats as they don't fit in the seats well in most (some are ok) cars. If you don't have the common sense to keep your 6-10+ year old in a booster and don't use one for mine, you are not driving my child. I'll meet you or your kids can come with us. Other issue is supervision. A lot of parents invite friends over and ignore the kids. I don't know your home, set up or parenting.

OP here.

a) Of course, they have visited our house and know us
b) The kid rides with her parents without booster sit. She too tall and big to sit in a booster seat. Jeez
c) How much supervision does a 10 year old need? Do you follow your 10 year old around in play dates?

Our house is small so its really a non-issue as you can see and hear everything. But, in large houses, its not that simple and yes, kids should be monitored/supervised. Most 10 year olds need boosters.

[Anonymous]

What 10 year old is in a booster? My kid hasn't been in one since 3rd grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This was my mom (not Indian but from a European country). I was never allowed to go anywhere with other parents or my friends houses unless she knew the family extremely well. Especially not if they had brothers/dads/uncles around. Sleepovers, until high school, were with only 2 trusted families. It isn’t anything personal OP.

So basically it comes down to a trust issues. If you don’t trust your child to be alone with me, then are we really friends?

OP, would you feel comfortable gently asking your friend about this? Maybe you could mention that it would be such a great honor to host her daughter. Then you would know that you really are a trusted friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is their religion, OP? They may have religious reasons for saying no. Also, there are please of parents who don’t allowed sleepovers.

They’re not muslim. Hindu, but not very religious.

Am I missing here something? What religion would not allow a sleepover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I married into an Indian family. I know this is a big ask but try to just let it roll off you. The cultural differences are real.

Ask is a verb.

OP if this lady is letting everyone except you drive the kid I'd ask her why. I feel you and your daughter have the right to an explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is their religion, OP? They may have religious reasons for saying no. Also, there are please of parents who don’t allowed sleepovers.

They’re not muslim. Hindu, but not very religious.

Am I missing here something? What religion would not allow a sleepover?

Many Muslims wouldn’t allow it if there is an unrelated male in the home or because the food isn’t halal. Hindus may have concerns about beef.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This was my mom (not Indian but from a European country). I was never allowed to go anywhere with other parents or my friends houses unless she knew the family extremely well. Especially not if they had brothers/dads/uncles around. Sleepovers, until high school, were with only 2 trusted families. It isn’t anything personal OP.

So basically it comes down to a trust issues. If you don’t trust your child to be alone with me, then are we really friends?

Yep. This is what I ended up concluding after a long period of frustration. The friendship was not what I thought.

I think cultural causing the mistrust. It's not going to change, nurture the kids friendship, but don't expect your friendship to deepen with the clash/annoyances. I tend to gravitate towards like-minded friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This was my mom (not Indian but from a European country). I was never allowed to go anywhere with other parents or my friends houses unless she knew the family extremely well. Especially not if they had brothers/dads/uncles around. Sleepovers, until high school, were with only 2 trusted families. It isn’t anything personal OP.

So basically it comes down to a trust issues. If you don’t trust your child to be alone with me, then are we really friends?

Decades ago, a friend with Indian immigrant parents said to me that there was “American friendship” and the friendships the rest of the world has. Since then, others from a myriad of countries have said the same thing in different words. Here we treat friends as family because our own families are scattered and easily broken.

[Anonymous]

I would honestly let this friendship fizzle. As your DD gets older, goes to middle school, etc. she’s going to want friends she can actually socialize with. (We were in a similar situation with a Korean family. I just let it die on the vine.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would honestly let this friendship fizzle. As your DD gets older, goes to middle school, etc. she’s going to want friends she can actually socialize with. (We were in a similar situation with a Korean family. I just let it die on the vine.)

Yeah..This friend and her special family are too much..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I’ve had friends like this. But, the differences in parenting created problems.

I have many Indian friends. The ones who are American born are more similar to me, and the ones who are immigrants are different culturally. Overall, both groups are cautious and don’t like their kids to be away on play dates/sleepovers unless they REALLY REALLY trust you.

Isn’t it insane though? These are not little kids. 10 years old. Wth?

They just simply don’t trust anyone who isn’t in their family or a close personal friend. That didn’t work for me, so I encouraged my DD to make new friends.

I understand they have cultural differences, and I have seen this in action. However I would not continue such a friendship for my DD. Encourage other friendships. It’s real racism and very awkward and insulting.

[Anonymous]

It’s not going to change and not fair to your DD. OK to have a mild friendship with this person but needs other real friends.