I feel that DH is controlling - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all the great advice. DH came to me this morning and said he would like to apologize for yesterday's outburst, and he would like to push the "reset" button. Normally I would think he was sincere (I guess that's why I have stayed for so long), but I recognize the cycle now. This is how it always plays out.

Classic abuser behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to put your foot down and tell dh to shut up or else? I suspect you are too scared to do it. Divorce is the only way for you to leave this abuser.

OP: Six months ago I told DH he needed to get professional help or else we were done. I originally thought he had some type of mental disorder. He is now in therapy, and there have been improvements (e.g., the name-calling has stopped for the most part), but the controlling nature is still there.

OP I'm so sorry.

Please, please reread these posts.

Your husband will never, ever really change.

Controlling behavior is not something that gets better, it always escalates. When it does it will be worse than before. He is just bottling it up.

I know this this super hard.

First and foremost birth control please, please. It will be that much harder to leave with a child not to mention bringing a child into a household like this.

Get your self a credit card, your name only. And a PO Box. Start putting visa pre paid cards in there small amounts at a time. Keep the key outside of the house so he will not find it.

Have an escape plan. Let one of your neighbors know that if the outside light is on for a long time they should call the police for a welfare check. Use the porch light maybe.

I am sorry to be what some might think as dramatic, but I see this alot in the court house.

Please restart your life you are worth it!

What do you do in the court house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 5yo DC is getting really into chess. This morning DC said he wanted to play chess with me. DH quickly interjected, "No, you can't play chess with your mom." He feels that I will bring down DC's game since I am not as good. I told DH that I would like to get better and anyway it's just for fun. DH got angrier and told DC, "If you play with your mom, I will not play with you at all today." Then DH told me, "it's pathetic that you don't realize what is best for him as a mother."

This is just an example of a very frequent interaction between us. We have had many conversations about it and nothing changes. How should I handle this going forward?

OP here. Quick update- we went to couples counseling today. The therapist asked us to talk about what has been happening over the past week. I recapped the chess argument above. The therapist's response was, "well did you agree to that previously?" Then told my husband that he should work to get things in writing from now on so that we are all clear. I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 5yo DC is getting really into chess. This morning DC said he wanted to play chess with me. DH quickly interjected, "No, you can't play chess with your mom." He feels that I will bring down DC's game since I am not as good. I told DH that I would like to get better and anyway it's just for fun. DH got angrier and told DC, "If you play with your mom, I will not play with you at all today." Then DH told me, "it's pathetic that you don't realize what is best for him as a mother."

This is just an example of a very frequent interaction between us. We have had many conversations about it and nothing changes. How should I handle this going forward?

OP here. Quick update- we went to couples counseling today. The therapist asked us to talk about what has been happening over the past week. I recapped the chess argument above. The therapist's response was, "well did you agree to that previously?" Then told my husband that he should work to get things in writing from now on so that we are all clear. I feel like I'm going crazy.

You need a new therapist.

This is not your fault.

[Anonymous]

Your therapist sucks, it's like being gaslight by two people. Stop couples counseling. Get your own therapist.

I'm so sorry.

[Anonymous]

So you’re back to square one again.

I’m sorry, OP, but I don’t think you want to hear what we’ve been trying to tell you. Or you hear it, but really don’t want to do anything about your situation.

Call or do a chat with a counselor at the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You’ll find the number at thehotline.org.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say that I've been thinking of you and your child, OP. You are worth so, so much more than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

Let him kill himself, big deal. It's only a problem if he carries life insurance as they normally don't pay in case of suicide.

Your problem is you are too dependent on his approval and validation. He calls you a bad mother? What's a big deal, there's literally thousands of people who might think that, why is one more a problem? He doesn't want moms to email just you? Or what? Tell him you will play chess with your child as you see fit and when you see fit. Tell him you'll continue setting up his parties and playdates, if he doesn't like it, he can cry to his therapist. What's a big deal? what is this hold that this man has on you? Next time he threatens to kill himself, smile and say - is this a promise? Start not caring. Not caring is extremely powerful. Stop catching his crazy. Make him see that his outbursts don't affect you.

It is absolutely not true that most life insurance does not Latin cases of suicides. I have sadly been close with three people who have died by suicide, including my brother, and in all 3 cases life insurance paid. Most deaths by suicide are due to illness and should be paid because they are untimely deaths from illness. The only exception that didn’t pay was one policy Increase that my brother had requested after his second child was born. He does just 4 months later and that was too soon after the increase in cases of suicide. His agent said that most policies do pay out for suicide loss unless the death is close to when the policy was taken out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

Let him kill himself, big deal. It's only a problem if he carries life insurance as they normally don't pay in case of suicide.

Your problem is you are too dependent on his approval and validation. He calls you a bad mother? What's a big deal, there's literally thousands of people who might think that, why is one more a problem? He doesn't want moms to email just you? Or what? Tell him you will play chess with your child as you see fit and when you see fit. Tell him you'll continue setting up his parties and playdates, if he doesn't like it, he can cry to his therapist. What's a big deal? what is this hold that this man has on you? Next time he threatens to kill himself, smile and say - is this a promise? Start not caring. Not caring is extremely powerful. Stop catching his crazy. Make him see that his outbursts don't affect you.

It is absolutely not true that most life insurance does not Latin cases of suicides. I have sadly been close with three people who have died by suicide, including my brother, and in all 3 cases life insurance paid. Most deaths by suicide are due to illness and should be paid because they are untimely deaths from illness. The only exception that didn’t pay was one policy Increase that my brother had requested after his second child was born. He does just 4 months later and that was too soon after the increase in cases of suicide. His agent said that most policies do pay out for suicide loss unless the death is close to when the policy was taken out.

So sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 12:19 and 12:21 completely. This is really a bad dynamic, and your "calling him on it" in front of DC, while understandable, is not good at all. I had tried to intervene between my son and his similarly abusive dad for years, with the result that my son, now 20, is emotionally a mess, fighting with but clinging to his dad for rare moments of positives, coming to me for occasional cry, but mostly withdrawn into himself between two parents he can't trust and believing he is no good and needs both his father's badgering and my protection to survive. No job no college few friends.

PP, this is heartbreaking. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 5yo DC is getting really into chess. This morning DC said he wanted to play chess with me. DH quickly interjected, "No, you can't play chess with your mom." He feels that I will bring down DC's game since I am not as good. I told DH that I would like to get better and anyway it's just for fun. DH got angrier and told DC, "If you play with your mom, I will not play with you at all today." Then DH told me, "it's pathetic that you don't realize what is best for him as a mother."

This is just an example of a very frequent interaction between us. We have had many conversations about it and nothing changes. How should I handle this going forward?

OP here. Quick update- we went to couples counseling today. The therapist asked us to talk about what has been happening over the past week. I recapped the chess argument above. The therapist's response was, "well did you agree to that previously?" Then told my husband that he should work to get things in writing from now on so that we are all clear. I feel like I'm going crazy.

The counselor is not helping. I'd see if you can find an individual counselor with experience with DV

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT stand for that. It only gets worse. My STBXH showed signs of controlling behavior early and it got worse over time. Definitely push for counseling - you may need a third party to help you navigate this.

OP: thanks. We are currently in couples counseling. The thing is, when we get in front of the (male) therapist, DH somehow twists things around. For example, he says that we "agreed" that I would not play chess with DC (I honestly don't remember this) and therefore I "lied" by telling DC that I would play with him. It's crazy-making in front of the therapist and I almost feel like it's a useless session.

This is an huge, enormous, on-fire red flag. He has no interest in changing his behavior. I don't casually suggest this, but I'd strongly consider divorce. I mean, this is chess with a FIVE YEAR OLD. This is about as low stakes as it gets. And then threatening the kid with no chess with dad?

Just get away. Rebuild. Get into therapy and make the most of your relationship with your son.

[Anonymous]

That’s nuts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT stand for that. It only gets worse. My STBXH showed signs of controlling behavior early and it got worse over time. Definitely push for counseling - you may need a third party to help you navigate this.

OP: thanks. We are currently in couples counseling. The thing is, when we get in front of the (male) therapist, DH somehow twists things around. For example, he says that we "agreed" that I would not play chess with DC (I honestly don't remember this) and therefore I "lied" by telling DC that I would play with him. It's crazy-making in front of the therapist and I almost feel like it's a useless session.

This is an huge, enormous, on-fire red flag. He has no interest in changing his behavior. I don't casually suggest this, but I'd strongly consider divorce. I mean, this is chess with a FIVE YEAR OLD. This is about as low stakes as it gets. And then threatening the kid with no chess with dad?

Just get away. Rebuild. Get into therapy and make the most of your relationship with your son.

Agree with above poster. The other enormous red flag is DH wanting to be copied on all Mom emails to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

My ex husband did a lot of this kind of stuff. I guess you could say he was obsessed about me. I'm prior poster who had the husband who checked my gas mileage.

Wanting to be copied on all of the Mom emails is flatout bizarre.

OP: How did you get out of it safely? I can relate to the obsession. How did your DH react?

I'm the prior poster. We were married for about 8 years. The last 6 months I had a major crushed down spirit and it was not overt but felt like I was a prisoner in my home.
I remember taking a long walk and returning home and he was kind of psycho. I think in his mind I was having an affair with somewhere in the neighborhood. The controlling
and verbal abuse escalated over time. He was also one to have road rage. There were several incidents of road rage where I ended up getting verbally abused as I did not
support him in the road rage incidents. I hated riding in the car with him.

Anyways, back to your question. He came home one night and wanted a divorce. I was blindsided. I talked to my Dad's business lawyer and he told me if a man says he
wants a divorce you take him seriously and get a divorce. WITHIN 30 DAYS OF MY EXHUSBAND MOVING OUT I KNEW I WAS IN A BETTER PLACE. Be aware there
were some psycho moments after he moved out. He started leaving bibles on the front door. This was weird as he had never opened a bible. Then he wanted to
get back together. I was strong enough at this time to know that I did not want to get back together.

At the end I had no friends and was pretty reclusive as a defensive mechanism. The wanting to be cc.ed on Mom's emails for 5 year old play dates is very typical
of what I would have experienced. Big picture that is weird. What grown man with a full time job wants to be cc.ed on play date emails. Most
men want less emails in their life.

Overtime my spirit was crushed. I was very vibrant when I met him and would do international travel on my own. Towards the end I
was a prisoner in my home. Clearly I could walk or drive away but I would always be yelled about something and where I was when I returned. He was monitoring
the mileage on the car to see where I went (which I was not aware of) and he told me that at the end.

I've seen some other posts asking why have you not left already. My experience was my ex husband did have other good qualities. He wasn't all bad. The situation was such
that it was a very very slow gradual increase of obsessive behavior towards me. It did not start out that way.

I also just saw where your husband does not want you to buy any clothing for DC. This is another big big red flag. Probably 90-95% of all clothing purchases in the US
are made by women. It seems like your DH is very controlling when it comes to your DC as well as you. DH is the only one allowed to purchase the clothing for
DS (controlling) and DH has decided DS is going to be a chess grand master (weird at age 5) and also controlling.

Be very careful if you leave or break up. I stayed in the same town and in the same house but honestly was scared for my life for like 6 months after he moved out.