I feel that DH is controlling - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is emotionally abusing your child and is laying the foundation to alienate you as a parent. Stop it now.

His comments are teaching your child that you are to be marginalized and if the child doesn't go along with DH then they will be punished.

His comments to you about your mothering are incredibly abusive. If this is how he feels I'd start planning my exit strategy NOW if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with your child.

If you stay your DH will wind up poisoning the mind of your child so that they eventually hate you.

OP: this is my greatest fear. I would honestly like to divorce because he is incredibly disrespectful to me in general, but I am afraid that he will proceed with parental alienation and also worry that he will be emotionally abusive to DC when I am not around to serve as a buffer. For example, when he is playing chess with DC, he will say, "Are you going to go or just sit there and stare at me?" Or if DC makes a bad move he will say, "What the hell are you doing?" I call him out on this so that DC knows it is not appropriate, but I worry about what will happen if I am not there.

What will happen is that your kid will know that his mom left because his dad was abusive.

Your presence is not stopping the abusive behavior - just condoning it. The message your DC gets now is that abusive from dad is just how things work in your family. And sometimes mom whines about it, but is otherwise supportive of dad’s parenting.

OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

[Anonymous]

And I thought mine is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Couples counseling is not recommended in an abusive situation. Go to thehotline.org, the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and read up on abusive relationships, and how to leave safely.

https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couples counseling is not recommended in an abusive situation. Go to thehotline.org, the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and read up on abusive relationships, and how to leave safely.

https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

Absolutely this. Find a separate resource. I would also set up another bank account and have a portion of your own paycheck deposited there, in case you need to leave quickly with your DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Couples counseling is not recommended in an abusive situation. Go to thehotline.org, the website of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and read up on abusive relationships, and how to leave safely.

https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/01/why-we-dont-recommend-couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

Absolutely this. Find a separate resource. I would also set up another bank account and have a portion of your own paycheck deposited there, in case you need to leave quickly with your DC.

OP: thank you. This makes sense. I have told the therapist that I don't feel safe with DH but I feel like he doesn't hear me at all. Deep down I know that it can't be normal to feel unsafe with your spouse, and afraid of what he might do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is emotionally abusing your child and is laying the foundation to alienate you as a parent. Stop it now.

His comments are teaching your child that you are to be marginalized and if the child doesn't go along with DH then they will be punished.

His comments to you about your mothering are incredibly abusive. If this is how he feels I'd start planning my exit strategy NOW if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with your child.

If you stay your DH will wind up poisoning the mind of your child so that they eventually hate you.

OP: this is my greatest fear. I would honestly like to divorce because he is incredibly disrespectful to me in general, but I am afraid that he will proceed with parental alienation and also worry that he will be emotionally abusive to DC when I am not around to serve as a buffer. For example, when he is playing chess with DC, he will say, "Are you going to go or just sit there and stare at me?" Or if DC makes a bad move he will say, "What the hell are you doing?" I call him out on this so that DC knows it is not appropriate, but I worry about what will happen if I am not there.

What will happen is that your kid will know that his mom left because his dad was abusive.

Your presence is not stopping the abusive behavior - just condoning it. The message your DC gets now is that abusive from dad is just how things work in your family. And sometimes mom whines about it, but is otherwise supportive of dad’s parenting.

OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

Don’t have more children with him.

Honestly, you have to know that this is really abusive behavior. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 12:19 and 12:21 completely. This is really a bad dynamic, and your "calling him on it" in front of DC, while understandable, is not good at all. I had tried to intervene between my son and his similarly abusive dad for years, with the result that my son, now 20, is emotionally a mess, fighting with but clinging to his dad for rare moments of positives, coming to me for occasional cry, but mostly withdrawn into himself between two parents he can't trust and believing he is no good and needs both his father's badgering and my protection to survive. No job no college few friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 12:19 and 12:21 completely. This is really a bad dynamic, and your "calling him on it" in front of DC, while understandable, is not good at all. I had tried to intervene between my son and his similarly abusive dad for years, with the result that my son, now 20, is emotionally a mess, fighting with but clinging to his dad for rare moments of positives, coming to me for occasional cry, but mostly withdrawn into himself between two parents he can't trust and believing he is no good and needs both his father's badgering and my protection to survive. No job no college few friends.

OP: I'm really sorry to hear that. I can see that my DC seeks his father's approval as well. What would you have done differently if you could? Are you still together?

[Anonymous]

12:32 to 12:36: if you're asking me what I would have done differently, I will say that we stayed married almost purely because I was treated the same and I both lived for the rare positives from DH, and felt it was essential that I protect DS from DH. Both reasons were incorrect. We finally split when DS was 16. If I had to do it all again? I would have split with him long before DS was born, or as early as I could afford to be on my own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with 12:19 and 12:21 completely. This is really a bad dynamic, and your "calling him on it" in front of DC, while understandable, is not good at all. I had tried to intervene between my son and his similarly abusive dad for years, with the result that my son, now 20, is emotionally a mess, fighting with but clinging to his dad for rare moments of positives, coming to me for occasional cry, but mostly withdrawn into himself between two parents he can't trust and believing he is no good and needs both his father's badgering and my protection to survive. No job no college few friends.

This. Couple counseling not recommended in an abusive relationship. I was you. The behavior got worse over time to the point that I completely shut down and did not do anything
independently. My husband would check the mileage on my car and grill me about where I went. I was never physically hit but the controlling behavior and verbal abuse was extreme and also the threatening behavior.

I'd seek counseling for you on how to get out of the relationship.

It was not until I was out of the relationship that I realized how bad it was.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

My ex husband did a lot of this kind of stuff. I guess you could say he was obsessed about me. I'm prior poster who had the husband who checked my gas mileage.

Wanting to be copied on all of the Mom emails is flatout bizarre.

[Anonymous]

I'm PP. My experience with the controlling behavior was that it got worse over time. We were married 8 years. By the end of the marriage I was kind of trapped in my own home with no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

My ex husband did a lot of this kind of stuff. I guess you could say he was obsessed about me. I'm prior poster who had the husband who checked my gas mileage.

Wanting to be copied on all of the Mom emails is flatout bizarre.

OP: How did you get out of it safely? I can relate to the obsession. How did your DH react?

[Anonymous]

The suicide threats are more threats of control. This guy is scary. Sorry OP. Visit a lawyer. Stash cash. Plan it out. You are sleeping with the enemy.

[Anonymous]

This type of behavior doesn’t happen overnight so how long have you allowed this? Your husband is a narcissist and lying to your therapist, so counseling is not going to help you. You are being abused and allowing your kid to think this is normal behavior is only going to screw him up as well. You need to figure out an exit plan. Why haven’t you left yet?