I feel that DH is controlling - what to do?

[Anonymous]

OP, men like your DH are dangerous before, during and after divorce. Seek expert advice and be careful with your electronics in the meantime. Stay safe. You can do this.



https://www.wusa9.com/article/news/crime/police-nw-dc-murder-suicide-appears-to-be-domestic/65-667f3485-ad65-42a3-8380-77d295afe2d1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT stand for that. It only gets worse. My STBXH showed signs of controlling behavior early and it got worse over time. Definitely push for counseling - you may need a third party to help you navigate this.

OP: thanks. We are currently in couples counseling. The thing is, when we get in front of the (male) therapist, DH somehow twists things around. For example, he says that we "agreed" that I would not play chess with DC (I honestly don't remember this) and therefore I "lied" by telling DC that I would play with him. It's crazy-making in front of the therapist and I almost feel like it's a useless session.

Don’t go to couples counseling. Go to individual counseling and prepare to divorce. Couples counseling is NOT safe in cases of abuse - it provides the abuser better tools and the therapist can’t take sides, and abuse is a one sided issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

This will only get worse.

You need out period.

Absolutely verbal abuse and not acceptable.

Not to mention do you want your DC talking to their "loved one" in the same manner?

Your DH is trying to isolate you. He should not be trying to control emails sent from others to you no matter whether they concern your child or not.

Do you work OP?

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry.

We are all very glad you reached out, even if it's just on an online forum.

There is good advice here. Please read the whole thread.

Important for you to start planing to leave.

If you do not have a job get one.

If he does not want you to, then start getting a PO Box in your name an order a credit card if you can.

Get your self a therapist that is an excellent suggestion. Definitely not one with him.

Where ever you are located there is help out there.

He is manipulating and isolating you. Please leave before this gets much, much worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am so sorry.

We are all very glad you reached out, even if it's just on an online forum.

There is good advice here. Please read the whole thread.

Important for you to start planing to leave.

If you do not have a job get one.

If he does not want you to, then start getting a PO Box in your name an order a credit card if you can.

Get your self a therapist that is an excellent suggestion. Definitely not one with him.

Where ever you are located there is help out there.

He is manipulating and isolating you. Please leave before this gets much, much worse.

OP: thank you. I do have a job (full-time), thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

Tell him to sit his ass down somewhere and chill tf out and he can play chess with him later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is emotionally abusing your child and is laying the foundation to alienate you as a parent. Stop it now.

His comments are teaching your child that you are to be marginalized and if the child doesn't go along with DH then they will be punished.

His comments to you about your mothering are incredibly abusive. If this is how he feels I'd start planning my exit strategy NOW if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with your child.

If you stay your DH will wind up poisoning the mind of your child so that they eventually hate you.

+1 I agree. This will only get worse with time.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP - you must feel as if you are walking on eggshells each + every day.

Your husband sounds very controlling and sadly it is going to negatively impact your son as well.

And he may face lasting consequences later on in his life.
And as his Mother, knowing you could have prevented it all will be a heavy cross to bear.

You both need to get away from this man.
Stat.
And document how he talks to your son.
Because visitation should be monitored if you ultimately choose to leave.

Wishing you & your son the very best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

This is so messed up. Honestly, you’re in such an abusive relationship, you can’t even see it...

Um yeah ignore everything I said about chess being their thing, that is a psycho in your house.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all the great advice. DH came to me this morning and said he would like to apologize for yesterday's outburst, and he would like to push the "reset" button. Normally I would think he was sincere (I guess that's why I have stayed for so long), but I recognize the cycle now. This is how it always plays out.

[Anonymous]

Did you try to put your foot down and tell dh to shut up or else? I suspect you are too scared to do it. Divorce is the only way for you to leave this abuser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to put your foot down and tell dh to shut up or else? I suspect you are too scared to do it. Divorce is the only way for you to leave this abuser.

OP: Six months ago I told DH he needed to get professional help or else we were done. I originally thought he had some type of mental disorder. He is now in therapy, and there have been improvements (e.g., the name-calling has stopped for the most part), but the controlling nature is still there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to put your foot down and tell dh to shut up or else? I suspect you are too scared to do it. Divorce is the only way for you to leave this abuser.

OP: Six months ago I told DH he needed to get professional help or else we were done. I originally thought he had some type of mental disorder. He is now in therapy, and there have been improvements (e.g., the name-calling has stopped for the most part), but the controlling nature is still there.

Thanks. Can I ask a question? Does your DH exhibit this behavior with only your and ds? Is he easily embarrassed by his parents? Is he overly worried about appearances? Or is he a jolly good fun when it comes to other people? I ask because my ds has severe social anxiety, and if you did not know he has it you would think he is as nasty as it gets to me and his sister. He is getting better with meds and therapy, but has the need to control us, as we are the only people he feels "safe" with. Still not ok, and I have to deal with this with ds all the time. Has anyone suspected your dh has unchecked anxiety? Just throwing this out there, still doesn't make it ok and I am not saying, not at all, that you should put up with it in the slightest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you try to put your foot down and tell dh to shut up or else? I suspect you are too scared to do it. Divorce is the only way for you to leave this abuser.

OP: Six months ago I told DH he needed to get professional help or else we were done. I originally thought he had some type of mental disorder. He is now in therapy, and there have been improvements (e.g., the name-calling has stopped for the most part), but the controlling nature is still there.

OP I'm so sorry.

Please, please reread these posts.

Your husband will never, ever really change.

Controlling behavior is not something that gets better, it always escalates. When it does it will be worse than before. He is just bottling it up.

I know this this super hard.

First and foremost birth control please, please. It will be that much harder to leave with a child not to mention bringing a child into a household like this.

Get your self a credit card, your name only. And a PO Box. Start putting visa pre paid cards in there small amounts at a time. Keep the key outside of the house so he will not find it.

Have an escape plan. Let one of your neighbors know that if the outside light is on for a long time they should call the police for a welfare check. Use the porch light maybe.

I am sorry to be what some might think as dramatic, but I see this alot in the court house.

Please restart your life you are worth it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

Let him kill himself, big deal. It's only a problem if he carries life insurance as they normally don't pay in case of suicide.

Your problem is you are too dependent on his approval and validation. He calls you a bad mother? What's a big deal, there's literally thousands of people who might think that, why is one more a problem? He doesn't want moms to email just you? Or what? Tell him you will play chess with your child as you see fit and when you see fit. Tell him you'll continue setting up his parties and playdates, if he doesn't like it, he can cry to his therapist. What's a big deal? what is this hold that this man has on you? Next time he threatens to kill himself, smile and say - is this a promise? Start not caring. Not caring is extremely powerful. Stop catching his crazy. Make him see that his outbursts don't affect you.

OP: I guess I wonder if he is threatening violence towards himself, does that mean he could be violent towards others? I am worried he will really go off the deep end.

Suicide and murder are often opposite sides of the same coin.