I feel that DH is controlling - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Our 5yo DC is getting really into chess. This morning DC said he wanted to play chess with me. DH quickly interjected, "No, you can't play chess with your mom." He feels that I will bring down DC's game since I am not as good. I told DH that I would like to get better and anyway it's just for fun. DH got angrier and told DC, "If you play with your mom, I will not play with you at all today." Then DH told me, "it's pathetic that you don't realize what is best for him as a mother."

This is just an example of a very frequent interaction between us. We have had many conversations about it and nothing changes. How should I handle this going forward?

[Anonymous]

Do NOT stand for that. It only gets worse. My STBXH showed signs of controlling behavior early and it got worse over time. Definitely push for counseling - you may need a third party to help you navigate this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT stand for that. It only gets worse. My STBXH showed signs of controlling behavior early and it got worse over time. Definitely push for counseling - you may need a third party to help you navigate this.

OP: thanks. We are currently in couples counseling. The thing is, when we get in front of the (male) therapist, DH somehow twists things around. For example, he says that we "agreed" that I would not play chess with DC (I honestly don't remember this) and therefore I "lied" by telling DC that I would play with him. It's crazy-making in front of the therapist and I almost feel like it's a useless session.

[Anonymous]

DH is emotionally abusing your child and is laying the foundation to alienate you as a parent. Stop it now.

His comments are teaching your child that you are to be marginalized and if the child doesn't go along with DH then they will be punished.

His comments to you about your mothering are incredibly abusive. If this is how he feels I'd start planning my exit strategy NOW if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with your child.

If you stay your DH will wind up poisoning the mind of your child so that they eventually hate you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT stand for that. It only gets worse. My STBXH showed signs of controlling behavior early and it got worse over time. Definitely push for counseling - you may need a third party to help you navigate this.

OP: thanks. We are currently in couples counseling. The thing is, when we get in front of the (male) therapist, DH somehow twists things around. For example, he says that we "agreed" that I would not play chess with DC (I honestly don't remember this) and therefore I "lied" by telling DC that I would play with him. It's crazy-making in front of the therapist and I almost feel like it's a useless session.

It is useless. Face facts - your DH is a twisted, sick manipulator. No counseling will fix him. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is emotionally abusing your child and is laying the foundation to alienate you as a parent. Stop it now.

His comments are teaching your child that you are to be marginalized and if the child doesn't go along with DH then they will be punished.

His comments to you about your mothering are incredibly abusive. If this is how he feels I'd start planning my exit strategy NOW if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with your child.

If you stay your DH will wind up poisoning the mind of your child so that they eventually hate you.

OP: this is my greatest fear. I would honestly like to divorce because he is incredibly disrespectful to me in general, but I am afraid that he will proceed with parental alienation and also worry that he will be emotionally abusive to DC when I am not around to serve as a buffer. For example, when he is playing chess with DC, he will say, "Are you going to go or just sit there and stare at me?" Or if DC makes a bad move he will say, "What the hell are you doing?" I call him out on this so that DC knows it is not appropriate, but I worry about what will happen if I am not there.

[Anonymous]

I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

[Anonymous]

Start wrong things down so you have notes at the therapists office. Get your own therapist so you can have somebody who is fully on YOUR side and will listen to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start wrong things down so you have notes at the therapists office. Get your own therapist so you can have somebody who is fully on YOUR side and will listen to you.

Writing things down i mean

[Anonymous]

Dat is some strange shit that husband do. For real.

[Anonymous]

You really need to respect those chess boundaries. You are hurting your son long term by reducing the challenge level he plays at. In this case I would say take your DH's advice. Good luck with your future champ!

[Anonymous]

Good god.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is emotionally abusing your child and is laying the foundation to alienate you as a parent. Stop it now.

His comments are teaching your child that you are to be marginalized and if the child doesn't go along with DH then they will be punished.

His comments to you about your mothering are incredibly abusive. If this is how he feels I'd start planning my exit strategy NOW if you ever want to have a healthy relationship with your child.

If you stay your DH will wind up poisoning the mind of your child so that they eventually hate you.

OP: this is my greatest fear. I would honestly like to divorce because he is incredibly disrespectful to me in general, but I am afraid that he will proceed with parental alienation and also worry that he will be emotionally abusive to DC when I am not around to serve as a buffer. For example, when he is playing chess with DC, he will say, "Are you going to go or just sit there and stare at me?" Or if DC makes a bad move he will say, "What the hell are you doing?" I call him out on this so that DC knows it is not appropriate, but I worry about what will happen if I am not there.

What will happen is that your kid will know that his mom left because his dad was abusive.

Your presence is not stopping the abusive behavior - just condoning it. The message your DC gets now is that abusive from dad is just how things work in your family. And sometimes mom whines about it, but is otherwise supportive of dad’s parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

This is so messed up. Honestly, you’re in such an abusive relationship, you can’t even see it...