I feel that DH is controlling - what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This type of behavior doesn’t happen overnight so how long have you allowed this? Your husband is a narcissist and lying to your therapist, so counseling is not going to help you. You are being abused and allowing your kid to think this is normal behavior is only going to screw him up as well. You need to figure out an exit plan. Why haven’t you left yet?

Not OP, but it’s not as easy as you think. She’s making forward movement here by starting this thread. Let’s encourage her to move deliberately and carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The suicide threats are more threats of control. This guy is scary. Sorry OP. Visit a lawyer. Stash cash. Plan it out. You are sleeping with the enemy.

Or they may be real - controlling behavior can also sometimes be related to emotional instability. When one feels out of control of their own feelings and thoughts, they try and control what is around them to feel in control of something. Regardless it isn't a reason to not divorce. He is connected to a psychiatrist and so he has support to manage the suicidal thoughts he has. He may not feel he can manage those thoughts - many people don't and he may even act on them (suicide rates are high post relationship break ups and divorces) but Op can't stay with him just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

Let him kill himself, big deal. It's only a problem if he carries life insurance as they normally don't pay in case of suicide.

Your problem is you are too dependent on his approval and validation. He calls you a bad mother? What's a big deal, there's literally thousands of people who might think that, why is one more a problem? He doesn't want moms to email just you? Or what? Tell him you will play chess with your child as you see fit and when you see fit. Tell him you'll continue setting up his parties and playdates, if he doesn't like it, he can cry to his therapist. What's a big deal? what is this hold that this man has on you? Next time he threatens to kill himself, smile and say - is this a promise? Start not caring. Not caring is extremely powerful. Stop catching his crazy. Make him see that his outbursts don't affect you.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you from experience that the suicide threats, while so believable in the moment, are actually just another way to control you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean the words about the chess are obviously insane (a five year old??) but could this be just poor communication that he wants chess to be his special thing with your kid? Moms can have the lion’s share of positive interactions with little kids. I notice some dads are completely thrilled as soon as development allows for an activity that’s “theirs.”

OP: I totally get that, but I don't think that's it unfortunately. DC also plays soccer with DH, and DH coaches his baseball team. DH exhibits other controlling behaviors such as, he does not want me to purchase any clothes for DC, he wants to be copied on all emails concerning DC even from other moms- for example, DC was invited to a birthday party and DH was angry that the mom sent the invitation to my email only and asked what else I was doing behind his back.

Oh my God!! Get a divorce already. I understand you want to be there to protect your. Hold but it is incredibly harmful for your child to grow up in a home where his father treats his mother this way and his mother tolerates it. Get out NOW. Seriously. This is so messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do NOT stand for that. It only gets worse. My STBXH showed signs of controlling behavior early and it got worse over time. Definitely push for counseling - you may need a third party to help you navigate this.

OP: thanks. We are currently in couples counseling. The thing is, when we get in front of the (male) therapist, DH somehow twists things around. For example, he says that we "agreed" that I would not play chess with DC (I honestly don't remember this) and therefore I "lied" by telling DC that I would play with him. It's crazy-making in front of the therapist and I almost feel like it's a useless session.

It is useless. Face facts - your DH is a twisted, sick manipulator. No counseling will fix him. Get out now.

Couples counseling does NOT help people like this in my experience. In fact, in my case, it made things worse.

I would start planning to leave and plan on getting an aggressive attorney b/c your ex will fight dirty and you want to protect custody as effectively as possible. Nothing is going to change him. Better your child have 50% normal parenting. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

Let him kill himself, big deal. It's only a problem if he carries life insurance as they normally don't pay in case of suicide.

Your problem is you are too dependent on his approval and validation. He calls you a bad mother? What's a big deal, there's literally thousands of people who might think that, why is one more a problem? He doesn't want moms to email just you? Or what? Tell him you will play chess with your child as you see fit and when you see fit. Tell him you'll continue setting up his parties and playdates, if he doesn't like it, he can cry to his therapist. What's a big deal? what is this hold that this man has on you? Next time he threatens to kill himself, smile and say - is this a promise? Start not caring. Not caring is extremely powerful. Stop catching his crazy. Make him see that his outbursts don't affect you.

OP: I guess I wonder if he is threatening violence towards himself, does that mean he could be violent towards others? I am worried he will really go off the deep end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you from experience that the suicide threats, while so believable in the moment, are actually just another way to control you.

This.

This was my father. By the time I was a 5th grader, I was saying, "Let him." But my mom, who had few skills to support herself, always went back.

Men like this often go for sole custody and want the mom to pay child support. He is going to line up flying monkeys in your universe to support him and will lie and make up evidence in his quest. Be prepared. He will not make things easy and will not be a cooperative co-parent. Let that dream go too and focus on controlling what you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP: I hope this is true, that DC will understand why we need to divorce. The other main reason that I have stayed thus far is that he has threatened suicide if we split, more than once. I insisted on him seeing a professional, and he has now been seeing a psychiatrist weekly. His outbursts have become less frequent since then, but the controlling behavior is still there.

Let him kill himself, big deal. It's only a problem if he carries life insurance as they normally don't pay in case of suicide.

Your problem is you are too dependent on his approval and validation. He calls you a bad mother? What's a big deal, there's literally thousands of people who might think that, why is one more a problem? He doesn't want moms to email just you? Or what? Tell him you will play chess with your child as you see fit and when you see fit. Tell him you'll continue setting up his parties and playdates, if he doesn't like it, he can cry to his therapist. What's a big deal? what is this hold that this man has on you? Next time he threatens to kill himself, smile and say - is this a promise? Start not caring. Not caring is extremely powerful. Stop catching his crazy. Make him see that his outbursts don't affect you.

OP: I guess I wonder if he is threatening violence towards himself, does that mean he could be violent towards others? I am worried he will really go off the deep end.

Stop trying to get into his head. Not your problem. Worry about yourself and your child. Seriously stop caring. His deep end is on him.

[Anonymous]

Actually him offing himself is not a bad solution. It certainly saves you the trouble of divorce and custody negotiation.

[Anonymous]

Prepare to leave. If he threatens suicide, continue to leave and call 911 to report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you from experience that the suicide threats, while so believable in the moment, are actually just another way to control you.

This.

This was my father. By the time I was a 5th grader, I was saying, "Let him." But my mom, who had few skills to support herself, always went back.

Men like this often go for sole custody and want the mom to pay child support. He is going to line up flying monkeys in your universe to support him and will lie and make up evidence in his quest. Be prepared. He will not make things easy and will not be a cooperative co-parent. Let that dream go too and focus on controlling what you can.

Let's not perpetuate the false notion that men can't be suicidal. They can be and men's mental health often suffers during relationship break downs and divorce.
Men almost never get sole custody and very few ever receive child support so that isn't even a generalization that makes sense.

That said, Ops husband is controlling and she should leave him. We just don't need to parade toxic masculinity around as a reason for her to do so.

[Anonymous]

OP, are these replies changing your perspective? I hope so. The whole dynamic, including the couples counseling, is just not healthy at all. I hope you will get individual therapy to empower yourself for next steps.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to delete your browser history. Seek guidance from a domestic violence group. He could well be dangerous to you and you need to be very careful.

https://www.thehotline.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can tell you from experience that the suicide threats, while so believable in the moment, are actually just another way to control you.

This.

This was my father. By the time I was a 5th grader, I was saying, "Let him." But my mom, who had few skills to support herself, always went back.

Men like this often go for sole custody and want the mom to pay child support. He is going to line up flying monkeys in your universe to support him and will lie and make up evidence in his quest. Be prepared. He will not make things easy and will not be a cooperative co-parent. Let that dream go too and focus on controlling what you can.

Let's not perpetuate the false notion that men can't be suicidal. They can be and men's mental health often suffers during relationship break downs and divorce.
Men almost never get sole custody and very few ever receive child support so that isn't even a generalization that makes sense.

That said, Ops husband is controlling and she should leave him. We just don't need to parade toxic masculinity around as a reason for her to do so.

Men like this are the ones who try for sole custody and support. PP, I suggest you read some of the work of DV LEAP. OP needs to be prepared and to get out very carefully.