Should I be concerned about my sister’s relationship or am I just being a concerned sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm middle aged but I really can't imagine judging someone's commitment to the mother of their child based on social media posts. It's an utterly ridiculous way to assess his reliability or his devotion to your sister. LOTS of people don't want to post pics of their kids online, LOTS of people (e.g., those with healthy sense of privacy) don't go around proclaiming their love on FB or Instagram or Twitter. Frankly I cringe at men who gush in publicly available settings or couples who seem to communicate via social media.

If he's mistreating her, that should concern you. If she's unhappy about their marital situation or lack thereof, that should concern you. But posting a menu and work-related accolades and no baby pictures or sweet nothings to someone he lives with suggests a mature approach to social media, so I'm on team sister's boyfriend here.

+1
Agreed. Reading into social media is absolutely ridiculous. And as an aside, if she really wanted marriage, they should have done it before the kid.

+2
Social media means nothing IMO. I have asked my DH NOT to post pics of me and to limit what he posts about the kids. Not because things are bad but because I am a very private person. Also he isn’t obligated to marry her just because they have a kid together...he may or he may not. I would hope he would be honest with her in either case but that is between them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your sister is dumb enough to have a child without marriage, there is not much you can do. MYOB is the best course. Now, and before.. Always.

This, sort of. I think having a child without being married is fine, but you can’t expect having a child to prompt a guy to marry you (this is longer the norm). If you want to be married to the father of your child- the marriage needs to come before the kid not after!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm middle aged but I really can't imagine judging someone's commitment to the mother of their child based on social media posts. It's an utterly ridiculous way to assess his reliability or his devotion to your sister. LOTS of people don't want to post pics of their kids online, LOTS of people (e.g., those with healthy sense of privacy) don't go around proclaiming their love on FB or Instagram or Twitter. Frankly I cringe at men who gush in publicly available settings or couples who seem to communicate via social media.

If he's mistreating her, that should concern you. If she's unhappy about their marital situation or lack thereof, that should concern you. But posting a menu and work-related accolades and no baby pictures or sweet nothings to someone he lives with suggests a mature approach to social media, so I'm on team sister's boyfriend here.

+1
Agreed. Reading into social media is absolutely ridiculous. And as an aside, if she really wanted marriage, they should have done it before the kid.

+2
Social media means nothing IMO. I have asked my DH NOT to post pics of me and to limit what he posts about the kids. Not because things are bad but because I am a very private person. Also he isn’t obligated to marry her just because they have a kid together...he may or he may not. I would hope he would be honest with her in either case but that is between them.

No one is saying he is obligated, however, the majority of us are saying she wants to get married to him and it looks like he doesn’t feel the same. Bottom line is don’t have children with someone you want marriage with without getting the commitment first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend recently got married for the first time at 50 and never mentioned it on social media. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!

She got married! Her husband wanted to commit to her. This guy lives with, has a child with, and knows his SO wants to get married. He hasn’t even mentioned marriage to her in concrete terms. What you’re saying about your friend and this situation are two very different things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand birth control is never 100% fail proof, but why did she get pregnant with this guy? Also, OP, you have talked about what he hasn't done, but what are his personal attributes? Is he kind to her? Well mannered? Intelligent?

To be honest in the 3 years they’ve been dating I haven’t gotten that much of a read on him. He hasn’t really been the olive branch kind of guy and I think it’s because he’s very stoic. He’s not a bad a guy, because my spidy senses go off really quickly if I get bad vibes from people. He works hard and I do genuinely believes he loves my sister and is dedicated to my niece. On the flip I get the vibe that he runs the show, just a tad (but maybe she wants to take a back seat in this relationship). I know when she was in her 2nd trimester he went out, which I give it to him he rarely does, and she woke up in the middle of the night and he still wasn’t home. She called him and he was drunk so he asked her to order him an Uber. She was getting ready to but she couldn’t get a hold of him again. He called the next morning around 8 am to say he had knocked out, cool better to not drink and drive, and said he was leaving to come home. He didn’t get home until 3 hours later, he was 40 hours away. I was pissed for her that she was stressed out pregnant. But I just figured it was a one-off and people make mistakes but I definitely catalogued that.

He sounds like my narcissistic, self-centered ice cold Ex-BF. BTW, after breaking my heart and killing my self-esteem, he was married to someone else within a year. You need to advise your sister to make plans for a life without him. She needs to find a real man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^this event is quite illustrative. This to me means that he is not 100% vested in the relationship. This event also raises questions about what happened during that night.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Challenge is that if your sister doesn’t want to see him in the same light as you, you can’t discuss it. Only thing you can do is to talk bout legal/financial protection for your niece.

More I hear about this guy, more I agree with you that marriage is not likely to happen for your sister with this guy and that he’s hanging around until someone better comes along.

Good luck OP.

He slept with someone else that night. I’m so sorry, I that is what happened.

[Anonymous]

This guy will unfortunately be engaged to some other unlucky woman in six months. She needs to kick him to the curb before he does it to her. At the very least, she should be on birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guy will unfortunately be engaged to some other unlucky woman in six months. She needs to kick him to the curb before he does it to her. At the very least, she should be on birth control.

This!

Wilmer Valderama, the actor, was with Demi Lavoto for 6 years. He’s now engaged to someone else today-it didn’t take 6 years. Men are notorious for dating women for years, turn around and marry someone else 6 months later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not what he posts or does not post on social media. The issue is that they have been together 3 years, live together and have had a child together and, despite the fact that your sister really wants to be married, they are not. To me, this is all you really need to know. If he definitely wanted to be married, what is he waiting for? If he hasn't made a specific commitment or they have not agreed on a date, then I think unfortunately he's keeping his options open.

+100. Also agree with PP that if it comes down to it, your sister has the option to propose but that will force the issue and maybe not give her the outcome she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^this event is quite illustrative. This to me means that he is not 100% vested in the relationship. This event also raises questions about what happened during that night.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Challenge is that if your sister doesn’t want to see him in the same light as you, you can’t discuss it. Only thing you can do is to talk bout legal/financial protection for your niece.

More I hear about this guy, more I agree with you that marriage is not likely to happen for your sister with this guy and that he’s hanging around until someone better comes along.

Good luck OP.

He slept with someone else that night. I’m so sorry, I that is what happened.

+1

[Anonymous]

I guess I’m in the minority here but to me it’s a warning sign.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^this event is quite illustrative. This to me means that he is not 100% vested in the relationship. This event also raises questions about what happened during that night.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Challenge is that if your sister doesn’t want to see him in the same light as you, you can’t discuss it. Only thing you can do is to talk bout legal/financial protection for your niece.

More I hear about this guy, more I agree with you that marriage is not likely to happen for your sister with this guy and that he’s hanging around until someone better comes along.

Good luck OP.

He slept with someone else that night. I’m so sorry, I that is what happened.

+1

Why would you assume he slept with someone else? He was drunk, made the wise choice to stay put until he was sober enough to drive the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^this event is quite illustrative. This to me means that he is not 100% vested in the relationship. This event also raises questions about what happened during that night.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Challenge is that if your sister doesn’t want to see him in the same light as you, you can’t discuss it. Only thing you can do is to talk bout legal/financial protection for your niece.

More I hear about this guy, more I agree with you that marriage is not likely to happen for your sister with this guy and that he’s hanging around until someone better comes along.

Good luck OP.

He slept with someone else that night. I’m so sorry, I that is what happened.

+1

Why would you assume he slept with someone else? He was drunk, made the wise choice to stay put until he was sober enough to drive the next day.

Yeah, sure. And pigs fly.

[Anonymous]

As a man, I will chime I with an anecdote.

I dated a girl from 26-29. I had no intention of marrying her. In fact, I knew I wouldn't. But, she loved me.

I never introduced her to any of my family- relatively easy as they were 1000 miles away, but on 'our' second Christmas her best friend apparently told her I was odd for keeping her in the dark. She asked about it and I lied, saying I wasn't close with my family. She believed me.

The next contract I was on was the most gorgeous interesting, kind, funny woman ever. I fell in love with her in an afternoon. I ghosted the first girl over a month or two.

We have been married 11 years now and have two daughters. My family met her at my Dad's 60th which was two months after we met.

Point being- men do what they want to do.

This guy doesn't want your sister or the kid. That's why he's keeping it quiet.

[Anonymous]

Probably talking to other women. Sorry OP.