Should I be concerned about my sister’s relationship or am I just being a concerned sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister's BF (they have a kid together too) posts lovey dovey pics on social media all the time.

Yet he also hasn't popped the question. They have been living together for 3 years. I'm pretty sure he won't be buying this cow.

NP. For both your sister and OP's sister: If they want to be married to these boyfriends, who supposedly are committed enough to them to live together and have a child together, why don't these women propose to the men? It IS done, and not just by celebrity women (though there are a couple of celebrities in the news recently for proposing to their boyfriends).

I'm guessing that there's a combination of "I'd really like HIM to ask ME because, romance, tradition, etc." and a far less willingly admitted, "If I ask him I'm afraid he will be scared off and leave me alone with the baby because I'll find out he's not as deeply committed as I believed."

How would either of your sisters react if you suggested they do the proposing? I'm asking more theoretically because I agree with PPs saying the OP shouldn't interfere based on social media posts or lack of them. But I do wonder if it's even occurred to sister that she could propose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are 33, married 11 years, 2 kids. If I look at his Facebook feed from the last 4-5 years, it’s posting sports stories and being tagged in other people’s photos/posts. We are happily married.

Your sister is (presumably) happy. There is nothing you can or should do differently based on whether his social media is normal or weird. Stop worrying about it.

You said posts from the last 4-5 years and you’ve been married the last 11. That’s the difference. You can be committed and not post. This guy hasn’t even done the committing part-that’s the issue here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister's BF (they have a kid together too) posts lovey dovey pics on social media all the time.

Yet he also hasn't popped the question. They have been living together for 3 years. I'm pretty sure he won't be buying this cow.

NP. For both your sister and OP's sister: If they want to be married to these boyfriends, who supposedly are committed enough to them to live together and have a child together, why don't these women propose to the men? It IS done, and not just by celebrity women (though there are a couple of celebrities in the news recently for proposing to their boyfriends).

I'm guessing that there's a combination of "I'd really like HIM to ask ME because, romance, tradition, etc." and a far less willingly admitted, "If I ask him I'm afraid he will be scared off and leave me alone with the baby because I'll find out he's not as deeply committed as I believed."

How would either of your sisters react if you suggested they do the proposing? I'm asking more theoretically because I agree with PPs saying the OP shouldn't interfere based on social media posts or lack of them. But I do wonder if it's even occurred to sister that she could propose.

I’m nit sure how she would react but there’s only way to find out. If/when she reaches a point where she’s at a breaking point I’ll mention it to her. Thanks for the idea.

[Anonymous]

He doesn't seem like a proud papa.

[Anonymous]

People have issues reading.

The OP mentioned that the boyfriend posted pics at places where they have been and acted as if she wasnt there with him.

For all of you fake bragging how your spouse doesnt post pics of you and your kids on social media, your stupid humble brags would sound a lot different if your spouse was posting pics of himself while out and about with all of you nowhere to be found (and not mentioning that they are even with you). All this, while you are posting pics of same event/location on your feed and saying how much of an amazing time you are having.

OP added enough context to show that this isnt about the boyfriend simply being radio silent and private on social media. She showed that he acknowledges being at places where he is with her and mentions nothing about the sister.

[Anonymous]

The issue is not what he posts or does not post on social media. The issue is that they have been together 3 years, live together and have had a child together and, despite the fact that your sister really wants to be married, they are not. To me, this is all you really need to know. If he definitely wanted to be married, what is he waiting for? If he hasn't made a specific commitment or they have not agreed on a date, then I think unfortunately he's keeping his options open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People have issues reading.

The OP mentioned that the boyfriend posted pics at places where they have been and acted as if she wasnt there with him.

For all of you fake bragging how your spouse doesnt post pics of you and your kids on social media, your stupid humble brags would sound a lot different if your spouse was posting pics of himself while out and about with all of you nowhere to be found (and not mentioning that they are even with you). All this, while you are posting pics of same event/location on your feed and saying how much of an amazing time you are having.

OP added enough context to show that this isnt about the boyfriend simply being radio silent and private on social media. She showed that he acknowledges being at places where he is with her and mentions nothing about the sister.

+1

But what they all fail to realize is that they are talking about their HUSBANDS who don’t post. This is vastly different than a boyfriend who lives with and has a child with someone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I understand your concern and agree that it is off. I think her BF is definitely keeping options open and it’s also strange that he hasn’t posted pics of his daughter. I do think that if your sister does want to get married, it likely won’t happen. Only you can gauge whether she realizes it or not.

Can you talk to your sister about how she’s legally protecting the baby? This wouldn’t address your concerns about marriage but will get your sister to start thinking about this for her child and the potentially about herself.

[Anonymous]

If he actually worked with or for this senator who just died, he may have very good reasons for keeping his family out of public view. MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he actually worked with or for this senator who just died, he may have very good reasons for keeping his family out of public view. MYOB.

Don’t you think if that were the case OP would’ve mentioned that? Or left the senator out altogether?
Come on, use some common sense here.

[Anonymous]

Dude sounds sketchy for sure if he’s a media whore but doesn’t post about your sister. To the people saying MYOB, my sister is my business and I would go to her with any concern as she would for me. If she plays it off or chooses to turn the other cheek so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not what he posts or does not post on social media. The issue is that they have been together 3 years, live together and have had a child together and, despite the fact that your sister really wants to be married, they are not. To me, this is all you really need to know. If he definitely wanted to be married, what is he waiting for? If he hasn't made a specific commitment or they have not agreed on a date, then I think unfortunately he's keeping his options open.

This. And frankly, I wouldn't necessarily keep quiet.

I think we've all had friends or known women (it's usually the woman) who is absolutely certain that their long-term BF is going to pop the question at any moment even though BF is not actually making any moves in that direction. If there's an opening to talk to your sister on this front, I'd take it.

She's 31 - which is young, but how long does she plan to wait to see if her BF actually wants to marry her? Does she want another child in the future? Does she actually want to be married (in general, not just to this guy). Why didn't they get married when they found out she was pregnant? Why did they decide to live together? I feel like moving in together when you've already decided to get married is one thing, but without that understanding it's usually the guy pretending to up his commitment level without really doing it. Unless this dude has some other external issue with marriage I think your sister needs to think long and hard about her future with him.

[Anonymous]

I understand birth control is never 100% fail proof, but why did she get pregnant with this guy? Also, OP, you have talked about what he hasn't done, but what are his personal attributes? Is he kind to her? Well mannered? Intelligent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is not what he posts or does not post on social media. The issue is that they have been together 3 years, live together and have had a child together and, despite the fact that your sister really wants to be married, they are not. To me, this is all you really need to know. If he definitely wanted to be married, what is he waiting for? If he hasn't made a specific commitment or they have not agreed on a date, then I think unfortunately he's keeping his options open.

This. And frankly, I wouldn't necessarily keep quiet.

I think we've all had friends or known women (it's usually the woman) who is absolutely certain that their long-term BF is going to pop the question at any moment even though BF is not actually making any moves in that direction. If there's an opening to talk to your sister on this front, I'd take it.

She's 31 - which is young, but how long does she plan to wait to see if her BF actually wants to marry her? Does she want another child in the future? Does she actually want to be married (in general, not just to this guy). Why didn't they get married when they found out she was pregnant? Why did they decide to live together? I feel like moving in together when you've already decided to get married is one thing, but without that understanding it's usually the guy pretending to up his commitment level without really doing it. Unless this dude has some other external issue with marriage I think your sister needs to think long and hard about her future with him.

He already said that he wants another child. I thought he was just super excited about being a dad and was eager for another one, but it is a little odd to mention that before speaking about marriage plans. She told me she wants another child but not until she has a ring on her finger. She wants to be married in general but I have no idea how long she is willing to wait to find out if he’s going to ask. I’ve tried not to probe just in case this was a sensitive topic for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand birth control is never 100% fail proof, but why did she get pregnant with this guy? Also, OP, you have talked about what he hasn't done, but what are his personal attributes? Is he kind to her? Well mannered? Intelligent?

To be honest in the 3 years they’ve been dating I haven’t gotten that much of a read on him. He hasn’t really been the olive branch kind of guy and I think it’s because he’s very stoic. He’s not a bad a guy, because my spidy senses go off really quickly if I get bad vibes from people. He works hard and I do genuinely believes he loves my sister and is dedicated to my niece. On the flip I get the vibe that he runs the show, just a tad (but maybe she wants to take a back seat in this relationship). I know when she was in her 2nd trimester he went out, which I give it to him he rarely does, and she woke up in the middle of the night and he still wasn’t home. She called him and he was drunk so he asked her to order him an Uber. She was getting ready to but she couldn’t get a hold of him again. He called the next morning around 8 am to say he had knocked out, cool better to not drink and drive, and said he was leaving to come home. He didn’t get home until 3 hours later, he was 40 hours away. I was pissed for her that she was stressed out pregnant. But I just figured it was a one-off and people make mistakes but I definitely catalogued that.