Should I be concerned about my sister’s relationship or am I just being a concerned sister?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand birth control is never 100% fail proof, but why did she get pregnant with this guy? Also, OP, you have talked about what he hasn't done, but what are his personal attributes? Is he kind to her? Well mannered? Intelligent?

To be honest in the 3 years they’ve been dating I haven’t gotten that much of a read on him. He hasn’t really been the olive branch kind of guy and I think it’s because he’s very stoic. He’s not a bad a guy, because my spidy senses go off really quickly if I get bad vibes from people. He works hard and I do genuinely believes he loves my sister and is dedicated to my niece. On the flip I get the vibe that he runs the show, just a tad (but maybe she wants to take a back seat in this relationship). I know when she was in her 2nd trimester he went out, which I give it to him he rarely does, and she woke up in the middle of the night and he still wasn’t home. She called him and he was drunk so he asked her to order him an Uber. She was getting ready to but she couldn’t get a hold of him again. He called the next morning around 8 am to say he had knocked out, cool better to not drink and drive, and said he was leaving to come home. He didn’t get home until 3 hours later, he was 40 hours away. I was pissed for her that she was stressed out pregnant. But I just figured it was a one-off and people make mistakes but I definitely catalogued that.

*40 minutes away.

[Anonymous]

^this event is quite illustrative. This to me means that he is not 100% vested in the relationship. This event also raises questions about what happened during that night.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Challenge is that if your sister doesn’t want to see him in the same light as you, you can’t discuss it. Only thing you can do is to talk bout legal/financial protection for your niece.

More I hear about this guy, more I agree with you that marriage is not likely to happen for your sister with this guy and that he’s hanging around until someone better comes along.

Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^this event is quite illustrative. This to me means that he is not 100% vested in the relationship. This event also raises questions about what happened during that night.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Challenge is that if your sister doesn’t want to see him in the same light as you, you can’t discuss it. Only thing you can do is to talk bout legal/financial protection for your niece.

More I hear about this guy, more I agree with you that marriage is not likely to happen for your sister with this guy and that he’s hanging around until someone better comes along.

Good luck OP.

This.

I know it was one time but he would’ve been in the dog house after that, big time. Just out of curiosity, how did she handle that?

[Anonymous]

I’m a little confused. Have the two of them actually discussed marriage? What has he said about it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^this event is quite illustrative. This to me means that he is not 100% vested in the relationship. This event also raises questions about what happened during that night.

I think you’re right to be concerned. Challenge is that if your sister doesn’t want to see him in the same light as you, you can’t discuss it. Only thing you can do is to talk bout legal/financial protection for your niece.

More I hear about this guy, more I agree with you that marriage is not likely to happen for your sister with this guy and that he’s hanging around until someone better comes along.

Good luck OP.

This.

I know it was one time but he would’ve been in the dog house after that, big time. Just out of curiosity, how did she handle that?

She told him how she didn’t like it then proceed to cook for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little confused. Have the two of them actually discussed marriage? What has he said about it?

To my knowledge, no. They’ve said “when we get married”, but again to my knowledge it hasn’t been okay in 2 years, when you get your PhD, etc., none of that.

[Anonymous]

She told him how she didn’t like it then proceed to cook for him.

will she also tell him that she doesn't like not being married and then will proceed to cook for him? sounds like it.

There are a lot of legal and financial protections that being married provides. Once you have a child with someone you are committed anyway, or at least in theory, so why not just do it? I suspect he likes the idea of being able to walk away more easily. Sure, there's child support but none of that other messy stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm middle aged but I really can't imagine judging someone's commitment to the mother of their child based on social media posts. It's an utterly ridiculous way to assess his reliability or his devotion to your sister. LOTS of people don't want to post pics of their kids online, LOTS of people (e.g., those with healthy sense of privacy) don't go around proclaiming their love on FB or Instagram or Twitter. Frankly I cringe at men who gush in publicly available settings or couples who seem to communicate via social media.

If he's mistreating her, that should concern you. If she's unhappy about their marital situation or lack thereof, that should concern you. But posting a menu and work-related accolades and no baby pictures or sweet nothings to someone he lives with suggests a mature approach to social media, so I'm on team sister's boyfriend here.

+1
Agreed. Reading into social media is absolutely ridiculous. And as an aside, if she really wanted marriage, they should have done it before the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm always very concerned by people who drag their feet about marriage when they already have a child. Plus, having a kid is a MUCH bigger deal than marrying. Why do women have children with men when they don't have any safety net? I'd be very worried too, OP.

Same here. But there’s not much you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm middle aged but I really can't imagine judging someone's commitment to the mother of their child based on social media posts. It's an utterly ridiculous way to assess his reliability or his devotion to your sister. LOTS of people don't want to post pics of their kids online, LOTS of people (e.g., those with healthy sense of privacy) don't go around proclaiming their love on FB or Instagram or Twitter. Frankly I cringe at men who gush in publicly available settings or couples who seem to communicate via social media.

If he's mistreating her, that should concern you. If she's unhappy about their marital situation or lack thereof, that should concern you. But posting a menu and work-related accolades and no baby pictures or sweet nothings to someone he lives with suggests a mature approach to social media, so I'm on team sister's boyfriend here.

+1
Agreed. Reading into social media is absolutely ridiculous. And as an aside, if she really wanted marriage, they should have done it before the kid.

It’s not just social media. The social doesn’t help. They live together, dating for years, and he hasn’t her to marry him. Then on top of that it seems as though he’s keeping his life hidden. That is the problem. In no area of his life has he demonstrated that he’s 100% committed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little confused. Have the two of them actually discussed marriage? What has he said about it?

To my knowledge, no. They’ve said “when we get married”, but again to my knowledge it hasn’t been okay in 2 years, when you get your PhD, etc., none of that.

Well, then they’re both idiots. I don’t understand people who want to get married, but never have practical conversations about how or when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a little confused. Have the two of them actually discussed marriage? What has he said about it?

To my knowledge, no. They’ve said “when we get married”, but again to my knowledge it hasn’t been okay in 2 years, when you get your PhD, etc., none of that.

Well, then they’re both idiots. I don’t understand people who want to get married, but never have practical conversations about how or when.

Yea, that’s the thing I don’t think the guy wants to get married. If he wanted to he would’ve already. They already live together and have a child. What’s the hold up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm always very concerned by people who drag their feet about marriage when they already have a child. Plus, having a kid is a MUCH bigger deal than marrying. Why do women have children with men when they don't have any safety net? I'd be very worried too, OP.

Same here. But there’s not much you can do.

I agree. Having a child with a man without marriage, even in 2019, is basically giving him all of the power in the relationship, because 99% of the time, the man feels ok walking away from you and the child and you do not. It makes no sense- don’t do it!!

[Anonymous]

If your sister is dumb enough to have a child without marriage, there is not much you can do. MYOB is the best course. Now, and before.. Always.

[Anonymous]

My friend recently got married for the first time at 50 and never mentioned it on social media. It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen!