Mental Load — All the Rage says men just flit it all away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

That’s not control.

That’s about not not neglecting your kid.

There’s a difference.

That you can’t see that is sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

Camp registration is just once a year, and while it is a busy season is probably on par to doing taxes and all the bills and account management.

We have many bills that we can’t automate (SACC, electric bill) and someone should still login every month and confirm nothing fishy. So it’s on a schedule and detail orientated similar to other mental load items, but I thought most DH manage it — but I guess not?

I don't know, I feel like summer schedule planning is a huge undertaking. My DH maps out all the weeks, plugs in our travel/beach house/coordination with extended family and books and plans that. Then he plugs in the sports camps that are on set weeks and books those, usually plugs in 1-2 sleepaway camps that the kids want to do and coordinates with their friends' parents on what week, then plans for the remaining weeks when we need childcare with either a sitter to hang out with them and take them to the pool or a local cheaper day camp. Then he handles all the health forms and registrations, also puts on the Google calendar what days and times they need to leave for the camps and be at xyz locations for the handoffs and pickups. The whole effort starts in January for the camps that fill up fast. The day he took the summer process over I did a dance of joy. He is just much better at planning, calendaring and logistics. I am more of the idea person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I handle probably 80-90% of the child-related tasks. Some are by choice (buying clothes) and some are because DH doesn't want to do it/won't do it and some are because it is important to me.

One thing that has worked for us is me delegating the things that he DOES care about (i care too) to him. Such as dental appointments. He is responsible for scheduling them, canceling transportation to school/daycare, and calling to let school/daycare know the kids will be late or picked up early. In the begining he would schedule and take them but i did all of the front end stuff like making phone calls. Not anymore. I told him that is part of the task. So he does it.

I find if i give him something HE Is in charge of with NO input from me, it goes much better. If DS has 3 birthday parties, i will give DH 1 of them that is his to figure out. RSVPing, shopping for the gift, drop off/pick up etc. He has really liked this aspect because he is not much of a shopper typically but loves taking DS to look for gifts for the party. It has been a great bonding experience and i take NO part in it, don't comment on the gift choice or how the gift is wrapped. I don't pick out a card or make sure anything is done. He does it.

This has helped us so much. He hated doing tasks where he felt i would micromanage him (and i likely was) and i hated having to micromanage him (felt i had to). When i gave him some autnomy he really excelled.

Now, he is a good dad and DH to start so that likely has some to do with it.

I don't get guys who run major departments and oversee dozens of staff but claim they can't handle taking their own kid to a party or getting him to a littl league game on time.

This is good advice. I passed tasks over to DH and I don't comment further. A Target gift card unwrapped for a bday gift? I say nothing. I am glad it's done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does take on full mental load stuff, but he didn't when they were babies/little. I don't know what precipitated the change. It happened gradually when they were about 8 and 10. He started planning the whole summer of childcare and various sleepaway and day camps. He posted the job listings on the local college board, interviewed summer/school year nannies/mannies. Was the POC with them for years of driving logistics, and we had to get a new one nearly every year.

He has done all summer camp research, forms, pede visits, bookings, coordination with other parents for groups of friends to go to the same camp at the same time. For years. It is so amazing.

Now they are teens and we are in 2 busy carpools, one for school one for soccer. He handles ALL the annoying text exchanges for those - 6 families and all their changes and week to week random needs. It is so great.

I have no idea why or how. I just feel grateful.


Now they are 14 and 16 and he does SO much more than I do.

Hmm this is quite the transformation. Please delve deep into your thoughts and let us know how this came about! I cannot even see my husband researching summer camps. He does other stuff but not carpools and interacting with other school parents - that is all on me so far.

Per your request I did some deep thinking about this. I think it was several things that brought the change about, but one major thing: soccer. my DH cares deeply about soccer and got both our kids into it at 4 years old. They both proved good at it but especially one of them. As that child progressed through the soccer machine, the needs were complex, year round and never ending and I just did not care at all. DH had to step up to make sure the special coaching camp was booked, the end of year coaches meetings and parent info sessions were attended, the birth certificates were scanned and emailed, on and on.

Not to mention the yearly multi-family carpool logistics. Oh we are going to host British soccer coaches in our house? wow, ok. Oh you are going to coach both kids teams this year (when they were little)? Ok. Oh you are taking them to see pro soccer and Beckham in person? Ok. Oh we are all going to watch premier league soccer (I do love the game too thank goodness) and you and DC will have fantasy teams? ok. He has total ownership. Also there have been health clearances needed each year as well as injuries including doctor and hospital visits. He handles all the booking and driving for those appointments and that kind of morphed into dentist, orthodontist and all other appointments. The soccer camp research and booking morphed into all other camp bookings. When they were infants and toddlers he was much more disengaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the immediate PP. I’ll also add, that oftentimes the things that we have to do may not fall neatly into a little list that I can just give to DH. Sometimes things require some deeper analysis and consideration and I’m just not sure what we should do. I bear these burdens alone. DH only responds to neat little projects with a beginning, middle and end.

Yessss! +1000
My DH is exactly like this and it drives me nuts about 40% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

Me (mom) - bills and investments.

[Anonymous]

Here is an example:

We are staying with relatives right now. I have one child who sets the bed sometimes, and I knew he was at risk for it last night since we got in late. I gave him some DDAVP. This morning, I went to check, and he had not wet the bed. But if he had, I would have had him help me strip the sheets and throw them in the wash, changed the laundry, and put everything back on the bed. In order to do this, I had to:
- notice there was a problem with bedwetting
- schedule pediatrician appointment
- take kid to appointment
- pick up script
- notice what factors make him more likely to wet the bed
- give him med when those factors are in place
- check to make sure med worked
- have a reasonable plan in place if it didn’t work

Now, I could delegate any of these tasks to DH, and I probably did. But most of the “work” was mental and invisible. And there are dozens of these kinds of things every day.

It’s not just picking up diapers, it’s knowing when you are going to run out, what size to get, when to switch to the next bigger one, what brand works, whether or not you should still be getting diapers or if it’s time to potty train.

And it’s not just making dinner, it’s having an established routine that includes dinner time; making sure that you have pots, pans, dishes, glasses, and flatware, in your home, clean, and ready to use; planning a nutritious meal that appeals to adults and kids with at least one thing the toddler will definitely eat; making sure said meal can be prepared and eaten in the time you have between getting home and sports practice; grocery shopping; and clean-up.

It’s a lot. And it’s nearly impossible to get it all done without thinking about it at least some of the time while I am at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does take on full mental load stuff, but he didn't when they were babies/little. I don't know what precipitated the change. It happened gradually when they were about 8 and 10. He started planning the whole summer of childcare and various sleepaway and day camps. He posted the job listings on the local college board, interviewed summer/school year nannies/mannies. Was the POC with them for years of driving logistics, and we had to get a new one nearly every year.

He has done all summer camp research, forms, pede visits, bookings, coordination with other parents for groups of friends to go to the same camp at the same time. For years. It is so amazing.

Now they are teens and we are in 2 busy carpools, one for school one for soccer. He handles ALL the annoying text exchanges for those - 6 families and all their changes and week to week random needs. It is so great.

I have no idea why or how. I just feel grateful.


Now they are 14 and 16 and he does SO much more than I do.

Hmm this is quite the transformation. Please delve deep into your thoughts and let us know how this came about! I cannot even see my husband researching summer camps. He does other stuff but not carpools and interacting with other school parents - that is all on me so far.

Per your request I did some deep thinking about this. I think it was several things that brought the change about, but one major thing: soccer. my DH cares deeply about soccer and got both our kids into it at 4 years old. They both proved good at it but especially one of them. As that child progressed through the soccer machine, the needs were complex, year round and never ending and I just did not care at all. DH had to step up to make sure the special coaching camp was booked, the end of year coaches meetings and parent info sessions were attended, the birth certificates were scanned and emailed, on and on.

Not to mention the yearly multi-family carpool logistics. Oh we are going to host British soccer coaches in our house? wow, ok. Oh you are going to coach both kids teams this year (when they were little)? Ok. Oh you are taking them to see pro soccer and Beckham in person? Ok. Oh we are all going to watch premier league soccer (I do love the game too thank goodness) and you and DC will have fantasy teams? ok. He has total ownership. Also there have been health clearances needed each year as well as injuries including doctor and hospital visits. He handles all the booking and driving for those appointments and that kind of morphed into dentist, orthodontist and all other appointments. The soccer camp research and booking morphed into all other camp bookings. When they were infants and toddlers he was much more disengaged.

That's great, I guess, but it's sad that he was only engaged when it came to something he cared about. Doesn't care about sleeping, eating, clothing, so I guess he wouldn't pay attention to that stuff, but those are the mundane things that need to be cared about.

I'm not bashing you. My DH takes over DS's boy scout stuff, but all the other stuff? Yep, me. And we have two kids, and I do pretty much 100% of the other kid's activities, as well as the mundane stuff.

It's a lot better now, after working it out for 14 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And it’s not just making dinner, it’s having an established routine that includes dinner time; making sure that you have pots, pans, dishes, glasses, and flatware, in your home, clean, and ready to use; planning a nutritious meal that appeals to adults and kids with at least one thing the toddler will definitely eat; making sure said meal can be prepared and eaten in the time you have between getting home and sports practice; grocery shopping; and clean-up.

It’s a lot. And it’s nearly impossible to get it all done without thinking about it at least some of the time while I am at work.

That takes effort? I meal plan for every week. I make a list grocery list and DH and I split the list and go grocery shopping on Sunday, sometimes Saturday. I cook dinner Sunday-Wed and Friday. Wednesday is take out night, Thursday is fend for yourself, Saturday is dinner at my parents. DH and kids take care of dishes. Everyone packs lunches before dinner is put away.


Our household runs on auto-pilot 99% of the time. DH and I go to work and come home. Kids go to school and come home. Sometimes kids get sick. Sometimes things come up that we want to do or have to do and require an adjustment in our routine.

I leave home at home and work at work.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think women end up being the default parent in part because we don't entirely trust our partners to do it and we'd rather just make sure that it gets done vs. taking a chance and having things fall through the cracks. It's annoying but that's life.

In my case, I'm co-parenting with a guy who has inattentive ADD. I'm an organized person by nature, so I end up carrying 100% of the organizational load for our daughter. By that I mean I am responsible for finding and signing up for: school, every extracurricular (5 sports teams, 1 choir, 1 dance class, swim lessons, etc.), doctor's/dentist appts, haircuts, immunizations, parent teacher conferences, all school events, summer camp signups, extended day, figuring out coverage of every school holiday, funding her lunch account... it goes on.

The handful of times I've delegated something to him, like a doctor's appointment, I'll literally email, call AND text him all the details, and I will still get a call 10 minutes after the appointment was supposed to start, asking me when the appointment time is again. So anything important is on me. I can guarantee that if I told him he needed to be online at 7:00 a.m. to sign her up for camp or a round of swim lessons, he would not remember and she'd miss out. Easier just to do it myself.

I delegate stuff to him like letting him buy a winter coat or a halloween costume or new soccer cleats, etc.

Our daughter was an "oops" so I can't honestly say I would have had a baby with him knowing it. That said, he's a good dad for the most part, and our kid is smart and funny, two traits she gets in part from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look I used to have a lot of rage about this- a lot. Then I figured out that I want the control. You can’t have it both- either you do it yourself and control it or you pass it to DH and cede control. In my case, if I cede control, DC would have the iPad all day, chicken nuggets every night, may or may not have childcare, would go to bed at 11 pm... just easier for me to do it bc I need the control.

That’s not control.

That’s about not not neglecting your kid.

There’s a difference.

That you can’t see that is sad.

A lot of women say this as defense mechanism. It’s much easier to say you do everything because you want control than because your kid would be neglected in the care of her father.

[Anonymous]

Happy to be divorced now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And it’s not just making dinner, it’s having an established routine that includes dinner time; making sure that you have pots, pans, dishes, glasses, and flatware, in your home, clean, and ready to use; planning a nutritious meal that appeals to adults and kids with at least one thing the toddler will definitely eat; making sure said meal can be prepared and eaten in the time you have between getting home and sports practice; grocery shopping; and clean-up.

It’s a lot. And it’s nearly impossible to get it all done without thinking about it at least some of the time while I am at work.

That takes effort? I meal plan for every week. I make a list grocery list and DH and I split the list and go grocery shopping on Sunday, sometimes Saturday. I cook dinner Sunday-Wed and Friday. Wednesday is take out night, Thursday is fend for yourself, Saturday is dinner at my parents. DH and kids take care of dishes. Everyone packs lunches before dinner is put away.


Our household runs on auto-pilot 99% of the time. DH and I go to work and come home. Kids go to school and come home. Sometimes kids get sick. Sometimes things come up that we want to do or have to do and require an adjustment in our routine.

I leave home at home and work at work.

Your household isn’t running on autopilot. In your post, no fewer than 5-6 people take care of the various components of keeping your family fed for the week. You’re getting a tremendous amount of help, so it feels like little effort to you. Imagine if your parents lived too far away to have you over for dinner, your children were too young to help out, and your husband played dumb with every task you asked him to do or begged off of helping out because he has such a demanding job and is the primary breadwinner. That’s the scenario for lots of us.

[Anonymous]

This is also my life and I completely blame myself for marrying DH or any person really. In many ways I would be so much better off alone. However then I would not have my 2 beloved kids. I work full time and make twice as much as he does. I do 90% of the house and kid work as well. Because I am super organized and efficient I do still find time for myself and pursuits. DH works, does the lawn work, takes care of the cars, and does drive my older kid to a lot of things. It is not nothing but it is not even close to equal. I have tried for 15 years to convince DH to change but to no avail. I resent him and he knows it. Once both my kids are grown and on their own I will be moving on.

[Anonymous]

It just doesn't make sense that so many men who are capable of being functional adults at work are incapable of handling handling anything at home. If your husband does this it is because he knows you will take care of everything so he doesn't bother. That's the truth. You whine, cajole, pitch a fit... and then do it anyway. What's his incentive to change?