Mental Load — All the Rage says men just flit it all away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading ‘all the rage’ and it’s a bit hard to swallow. Tells of all these DHs which only do chores or take care of kids when told, try to maintain their independence and life before kids well after becoming parents, and always put their careers ahead of their working (and often breadwinning) DWs

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

So many working moms manage and carry this load at work? Do any of their DHs DO task while at work, let along take initiative and carry some of that load?

My DH shoulders far more of the burden than I do. While both white collar professionals, his job has more flexibility and zero travel.

While it sounds great, I honestly think he does it to control the financial aspect. As an example, I might simply ask the kids where they want to go to camp and pay whatever it cost, whereas he will shop around and sign them up for something less expensive. Similarly, he does all the grocery shopping and hires all the handymen/home project people.

Because he shoulders the burden (his choice), he’s often stressed out. I would be more inclined to just throw money at problems, but he won’t.

IMO that's not fair of you. You both need to decide what to do and do it together. You can't just say that because he doesn't want to throw money at things that it's his burden to bear. That's what men say and why normally the mental load is on women. Unless you're making $$$ of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading ‘all the rage’ and it’s a bit hard to swallow. Tells of all these DHs which only do chores or take care of kids when told, try to maintain their independence and life before kids well after becoming parents, and always put their careers ahead of their working (and often breadwinning) DWs

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

So many working moms manage and carry this load at work? Do any of their DHs DO task while at work, let along take initiative and carry some of that load?

My DH shoulders far more of the burden than I do. While both white collar professionals, his job has more flexibility and zero travel.

While it sounds great, I honestly think he does it to control the financial aspect. As an example, I might simply ask the kids where they want to go to camp and pay whatever it cost, whereas he will shop around and sign them up for something less expensive. Similarly, he does all the grocery shopping and hires all the handymen/home project people.

Because he shoulders the burden (his choice), he’s often stressed out. I would be more inclined to just throw money at problems, but he won’t.

IMO that's not fair of you. You both need to decide what to do and do it together. You can't just say that because he doesn't want to throw money at things that it's his burden to bear. That's what men say and why normally the mental load is on women. Unless you're making $$$ of course.

1. I make more than twice what he makes.

2. I would gladly shoulder the burden, but he prefers to do it precisely so he can control the expenses. I don’t make him do it. Rather, he’ll complain that I picked a camp that was too expensive or spent too much at Giant. So, he proactively handles it.

I still manage other stuff: school and medical; most travel.

We make joint decisions on major purchases (cars, major appliances, etc.).

I just commented to demonstrate that some men actually shoulder the burden—but it might be for a different reason. My husband isn’t selfish or lazy; he’s loving and takes responsibility...but he’s often motivated by controlling the budget. He also changed diapers and did the middle of the night feeding so I could rest. Some men are amazing. Choose wisely.

[Anonymous]

I can't relate to this at all. I've always had a full partner, from the second our child was born. Please believe I stay really, really quiet when the other preschool moms are complaining about how incompetent their husbands are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

One tale is about the mental load, such as summer camp regs, health forms, carpools, etc and how even after assigning a task to her DH he just blows it off until she does it

Oh please. Gimme a break with all this "mental load" bullshit. I, a mere "incompetent" man , have planned, executed, and paid for every aspect of my kid's lives for over a decade, including day care, what schools they will attend, after-care, summer camps, birthday parties, doctor's appointments, sports, music, making their lunches every day, making their dinners every night, doing their laundry, making sure they bathe and brush their teeth, buying clothes and shoes, arranging tutors, and helping with homework. It's not that hard. Or if it is really hard for you, you should ask yourself why you're so fragile. And if your husband doesn't help, why did you marry such a loser? Time for you to own your poor choices.

Do you work too? Because all the rage is about working mothers.

Doing all that at working must leave vanishingly small personal time, which grates most men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of you chose bad husbands to marry. I'm the main parent 60% of the time. But I have an insanely flexible schedule so taking on more of the activities makes sense. DH does plenty without my asking. When I'm sick, he's the main parent 100% of the time. Does he do things exactly how I would? No. But DS is fed, safe, happy, and DH is involved with him. Not worth complaining about.

I don't believe that none of you knew that your husbands were going to make terrible coparents. Did they help out around the house before kids and then suddenly stop when the kids were born? I'm guessing no. They were probably always fairly uninvolved in daily life tasks.

They were probably pretty ambivalent about kids or wanted to wait until they experienced life first, but women like OP just wanted a sperm donor to marry and then basically forget about except for a paycheck and to delegate chores to.

Nope because these stories are about career women often making more than their DH. The paycheck is fine but they were looking for a partner.

[Anonymous]

My husband is carrying more of the mental load than I am. He enjoy planning - meal planning, researching and booking vacations, finding and signing up for activities, booking appointments, purchasing gifts, etc. I think it's partially because that's his nature and partially because I am willing to cede control and appreciate the effort vs. criticizing the results for not being exactly what I would have chosen.

[Anonymous]

Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH does take on full mental load stuff, but he didn't when they were babies/little. I don't know what precipitated the change. It happened gradually when they were about 8 and 10. He started planning the whole summer of childcare and various sleepaway and day camps. He posted the job listings on the local college board, interviewed summer/school year nannies/mannies. Was the POC with them for years of driving logistics, and we had to get a new one nearly every year.

He has done all summer camp research, forms, pede visits, bookings, coordination with other parents for groups of friends to go to the same camp at the same time. For years. It is so amazing.

Now they are teens and we are in 2 busy carpools, one for school one for soccer. He handles ALL the annoying text exchanges for those - 6 families and all their changes and week to week random needs. It is so great.

I have no idea why or how. I just feel grateful.


Now they are 14 and 16 and he does SO much more than I do.

Hmm this is quite the transformation. Please delve deep into your thoughts and let us know how this came about! I cannot even see my husband researching summer camps. He does other stuff but not carpools and interacting with other school parents - that is all on me so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

In my house, it's almost all on autopay. We both check the bank accounts.

Growing up, my mom handled all of that, even after she went back to work. Such domestic tasks were beneath my father. So when my mother suddenly died when I was in high school, my dad had zero clue about what bills needed to be paid when. He wasn't even sure which bank held the house mortgage. An eye-opening experience for a 17 year old, to be sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH does take on full mental load stuff, but he didn't when they were babies/little. I don't know what precipitated the change. It happened gradually when they were about 8 and 10. He started planning the whole summer of childcare and various sleepaway and day camps. He posted the job listings on the local college board, interviewed summer/school year nannies/mannies. Was the POC with them for years of driving logistics, and we had to get a new one nearly every year.

He has done all summer camp research, forms, pede visits, bookings, coordination with other parents for groups of friends to go to the same camp at the same time. For years. It is so amazing.

Now they are teens and we are in 2 busy carpools, one for school one for soccer. He handles ALL the annoying text exchanges for those - 6 families and all their changes and week to week random needs. It is so great.

I have no idea why or how. I just feel grateful.


Now they are 14 and 16 and he does SO much more than I do.

Hmm this is quite the transformation. Please delve deep into your thoughts and let us know how this came about! I cannot even see my husband researching summer camps. He does other stuff but not carpools and interacting with other school parents - that is all on me so far.

DP. I honestly think as our DS gets older, my DH identifies with him more and becomes more able to "see" all the things that could be done for him. As a baby, toddler, and preschooler, the work was foreign to him. Because HIS dad took an active interest in his formal schooling as he got older, but basically ignored him as a baby, he thinks this is something for him to do as well. All the other earlier stuff was just "mom" stuff and hence invisible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of you chose bad husbands to marry. I'm the main parent 60% of the time. But I have an insanely flexible schedule so taking on more of the activities makes sense. DH does plenty without my asking. When I'm sick, he's the main parent 100% of the time. Does he do things exactly how I would? No. But DS is fed, safe, happy, and DH is involved with him. Not worth complaining about.

I don't believe that none of you knew that your husbands were going to make terrible coparents. Did they help out around the house before kids and then suddenly stop when the kids were born? I'm guessing no. They were probably always fairly uninvolved in daily life tasks.

When our twins were born, my Dh was incredibly involved. The only thing he didn’t do was breastfeed. He took a step back from work that year and helped more than I could ever have expected. He was as nurturing as any mother. The following year, he went back to working his normal hours, but still was fully engaged in childcare when home and helped out a lot with housework. It was amazing. The next year, he helped a lit bit less, which I could understand because his career was ramping up. However, with each passing year, he did less and less. Eventually, 100% of the mental load, 100% of the childcare and 95% of the housework was on me. Now he eats dinner with our children once every week or two. He doesn’t come home most nights. When he tries to interact with the kids, they find him annoying. They never want to open up or share anything with him. He’s moving out at the end of January and knows the kids will barely want to have a relationship with him.

You may not believe that wives couldn’t foresee their husbands being terrible coparents, but I’ve lived it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

As we close in on the year 2020, there really shouldn't be that many bills to handle. You can pay for most things on credit cards and then autopay the full balance every month (obviously the cardholder should be looking through periodically to make sure the expenses are valid). Mortgage payments, utilities, etc. can be automated as well. Handling the overall financial picture is not something that requires day to day input either. Maybe once/quarter or so. In my family, that's done by the mom because it is related to my professional training and experience.

Sure you can automate paying utilities. But there's still work in setting it up, monitoring it, budgeting, assessing one-time purchases, changes as family finances change, etc etc etc. It was never just about opening the envelope and writing the checks.

Maybe it's because I'm a financial professional who does things like mock up my tax return at the end of the year to make sure we've paid in enough well before filing time - but none of these sound particularly time consuming or onerous. Again, I'm the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious who handles all the bills and finances of the household? In most I know it’s the dads, is that typical?

Wife here. I do all of that. My DH would forget (ADD!) so I've always done it. I even did it while we were dating. I managed all of his student loans, consolidated them, manage his 401k, did his taxes. Now that we're married I do it all plus all of our investments. He came from a lower class background and doesn't understand saving or investing. His only financial strategy was to pay off the mortgage. He doesn't even know what our salary is, mortgage balance, savings balance, anything. He trusts me though (I'm very frugal) and I enjoy doing it. I have a file of what accounts we have just in case something happened to me and he needed to find it all.

My dad did all of this growing up and I'm not sure who does it in my inlaws' house. Managing it all is important to me and we'd have a fight if DH wanted to do it. He can look in the accounts all he wants, but I'm managing it all and paying bills on time.