DIL won't let me do anything for her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be SUCH a help if my ILs would play with the kids and let me do the chores! I have a system for folding laundry, she never knows where to put the dishes or whose clothes are whose, etc. It is super sweet but that is exactly the help I want! Plus I love cooking and only get to spend a decent amount of time making something nice when the kids are occupied.

+1000. If you want to help ask what would be a help and do that! My MIL and FIL are always trying to help with laundry (but they don’t sort it by kid so it actually takes longer to put things away then when I do it myself) or go to the grocery store (where they ask me multiple times for the brands, etc of what to buy that it takes longer to explain what is needed then to just go myself). I’d much rather they spend time with my kids and let me go about doing the chores quickly and then have some time to recharge!!

[Anonymous]

PP and just read your earlier post about feeling like you have a different relationship ship with your grandkids than your daughter in law’s parents. Are you pretty mobile? Just take the kids out for adventures with you - they will love it much more than if you are stuck in the house doing the chores!!!! Or if you aren’t up for taking the kids out on your own, figure out something to do with the kids - a board game they like or a craft project. And always buy gifts - doesn’t need to be expensive but wrap things up and make a presentation of it. Your grandkids will adore you if you interact with them much more than if you are the one folding their laundry or getting your DIL another cup of coffee!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be like your DIL. I have gotten to the point where I just realize that my MIL and I will never have the relationship I have with my mom or family members. It sucks because I live near my in laws and not my mom but we are having a baby in the summer and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my mother in law doing any chores around the house. My mom on the other hand will be put to work.

You can have that relationship. You choose not to.

Wrong. both people have to chose the relationship. My MIL has never treated me like she would her daughter. I have been married for 7 years and it take two to build that kind of relationship. If she wanted it, she could have invested in building that kind of unconditional love early on so that I could feel that I could actually ask her for help if I needed it. I don't feel that I have unconditional love in that relationship and when you are having a baby (a super vulnerable time) you want to be around someone that will help and support you even in the darkest time not someone you feel will secretly judge you.

You are not her daughter. It takes two to build that relationship and you clearly state that you didn't try either. It took me a few years to build a relationship with my MIL. She got burned badly by my SIL and my husband's ex-wife. She was a lovely woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think because she declines your help with regard to chores that you're doing something wrong?

Maybe she doesn't need assistance.
Maybe she takes pride in managing her own household.
Maybe it's cultural and she was raised to cater to guests not put them to work.
Could be any number of things that don't have anything to do with you.

Relax and be a grandmother.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.

OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.

You're reading way too much into it. The grandkids are going to see you as fun grandma who plays with them. No way is a kid going to pick up on the dynamic you describe. One set of grandparents plays with DS a ton whenever they come over. The other one doesn't and is usually itching to help out. Guess which set of grandparents DS would rather visit?

This. My parents don't help at all -- Mom physically can't and it would never occur to my dad. Which is fine. But my inlaws are dying to help and the only thing that is really helpful is playing with the kids. I don't want them doing my laundry or sorting my mail. One time they came over to help for 3 days while I had to travel for work and MIL rearranged all my kids' clothes, rearranged the dishes, put the mail in weird places, threw out stuff from the freezer I'd been planning to cook/eat and rearranged my freezer and fridge system, etc. It took me 2 weeks to sort everything back where I wanted it. And that was with DH still around. Heaven knows what she'd have done if given the run of the place. She is very helpful and I am grateful but if I'm present, really, the most helpful thing is playing with the kids so I can go do everything else the way I want to (or just get a break!).

Your MIL was unkind and intrusive to "help" you the way that she did. It was her way of asserting her dominance over you which isn't nice. How would she feel if you went over to her house and "helped" her like that while she was away for a few days?

No, she wasn't. She means well and genuinely thought she was being helpful. And she was being helpful in other ways by helping with the childcare while I was away. It's just that her system of organization and mine are very different. (Honestly, I had to resist the urge to do the same thing when I went to my parents' house for a week while my mom was in the hospital. I did replace their dish drying rack because it was broken and my mom flipped out when she got home. But it was driving me crazy. So I know how MIL feels when she comes to my house and sees that my dishes are not organized by color, or whatever.)

That said -- yeah, when they come over and I am there and they want to help, it really is most helpful if they just play with the kids.

[Anonymous]

Your title is that your dil won’t let you do things “for her”. But it’s clear you aren’t trying to do things for her at all. You are trying to get yourself into situation in which you think you’ll be seen in a certain way, or have access to certain activities. This is for yourself. And there’s nothing wrong with that. For things like that, though, it makes much more sense to just ask your son. Your dil shouldn’t be the one responsible for this, and particularly under the passive aggressive guise of “helping” her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.

OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.

You're reading way too much into it. The grandkids are going to see you as fun grandma who plays with them. No way is a kid going to pick up on the dynamic you describe. One set of grandparents plays with DS a ton whenever they come over. The other one doesn't and is usually itching to help out. Guess which set of grandparents DS would rather visit?

This. My parents don't help at all -- Mom physically can't and it would never occur to my dad. Which is fine. But my inlaws are dying to help and the only thing that is really helpful is playing with the kids. I don't want them doing my laundry or sorting my mail. One time they came over to help for 3 days while I had to travel for work and MIL rearranged all my kids' clothes, rearranged the dishes, put the mail in weird places, threw out stuff from the freezer I'd been planning to cook/eat and rearranged my freezer and fridge system, etc. It took me 2 weeks to sort everything back where I wanted it. And that was with DH still around. Heaven knows what she'd have done if given the run of the place. She is very helpful and I am grateful but if I'm present, really, the most helpful thing is playing with the kids so I can go do everything else the way I want to (or just get a break!).

Your MIL was unkind and intrusive to "help" you the way that she did. It was her way of asserting her dominance over you which isn't nice. How would she feel if you went over to her house and "helped" her like that while she was away for a few days?

No, she wasn't. She means well and genuinely thought she was being helpful. And she was being helpful in other ways by helping with the childcare while I was away. It's just that her system of organization and mine are very different. (Honestly, I had to resist the urge to do the same thing when I went to my parents' house for a week while my mom was in the hospital. I did replace their dish drying rack because it was broken and my mom flipped out when she got home. But it was driving me crazy. So I know how MIL feels when she comes to my house and sees that my dishes are not organized by color, or whatever.)

That said -- yeah, when they come over and I am there and they want to help, it really is most helpful if they just play with the kids.

The difference is that you *resisted* the urge to rearrange things in your mother's house because you know that is not a nice thing to do to someone else. There is a reason that little voice inside your head told you not to do that. I stand by my judgment of your MIL. It's good that you've been able to move past that.

[Anonymous]

After reading your post, I am convinced I might be your DIL.

I know you visit bc you want to see your grandchildren. Not to help me around the house. I can do my own laundry (and don’t want you touching my underwear). Just play with your grandkids and enjoy the few days you’re here.

[Anonymous]

I deeply dislike it when my MIL tries to act like "hostess" in my home. Is this you, OP?

My MIL will say, "Oh Laura, there's coffee ready." As if I didn't buy the coffee and set up the coffee station the night before. As if you did more than hit "start" and begin enjoying the pot yourself while I was upstairs getting two small kids ready for the day.

And no, I don't want you to pour me some and act like you are the hostess. You are not. I set up a full breakfast the night before, with notes about "help yourself," etc. I may not have put those hard boiled eggs and fruit and toast on your plate, but I provided everything and had it all set up for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be like your DIL. I have gotten to the point where I just realize that my MIL and I will never have the relationship I have with my mom or family members. It sucks because I live near my in laws and not my mom but we are having a baby in the summer and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my mother in law doing any chores around the house. My mom on the other hand will be put to work.

You can have that relationship. You choose not to.

Wrong. both people have to chose the relationship. My MIL has never treated me like she would her daughter. I have been married for 7 years and it take two to build that kind of relationship. If she wanted it, she could have invested in building that kind of unconditional love early on so that I could feel that I could actually ask her for help if I needed it. I don't feel that I have unconditional love in that relationship and when you are having a baby (a super vulnerable time) you want to be around someone that will help and support you even in the darkest time not someone you feel will secretly judge you.

You are not her daughter. It takes two to build that relationship and you clearly state that you didn't try either. It took me a few years to build a relationship with my MIL. She got burned badly by my SIL and my husband's ex-wife. She was a lovely woman.

NP. Most of us are first wives. Some of were treated like crap on the front end when MIL thought she could run us off, and it’s only now that MIL has no more leverage (her son sees her actions for what they are) that she wants to be buds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be like your DIL. I have gotten to the point where I just realize that my MIL and I will never have the relationship I have with my mom or family members. It sucks because I live near my in laws and not my mom but we are having a baby in the summer and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my mother in law doing any chores around the house. My mom on the other hand will be put to work.

You can have that relationship. You choose not to.

Wrong. both people have to chose the relationship. My MIL has never treated me like she would her daughter. I have been married for 7 years and it take two to build that kind of relationship. If she wanted it, she could have invested in building that kind of unconditional love early on so that I could feel that I could actually ask her for help if I needed it. I don't feel that I have unconditional love in that relationship and when you are having a baby (a super vulnerable time) you want to be around someone that will help and support you even in the darkest time not someone you feel will secretly judge you.

You are not her daughter. It takes two to build that relationship and you clearly state that you didn't try either. It took me a few years to build a relationship with my MIL. She got burned badly by my SIL and my husband's ex-wife. She was a lovely woman.

NP. Most of us are first wives. Some of were treated like crap on the front end when MIL thought she could run us off, and it’s only now that MIL has no more leverage (her son sees her actions for what they are) that she wants to be buds.

EXACTLY. And I did try thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

I do t understand this. Your DIL has TOLD you what would he helpful to her - to relax and play with the kids. If you want to be helpful why can’t you respect what she says will be helpful?

She wants to do her own chores. She wants you to play with the kids and relax. Why are you hovering and bagging her all the time? My MIL is exactly like this and it drives me bonkers. She literally won’t sit down. I turned my back for a minute and she was in my kitchen peeling carrots, when I had literally just 15 minutes earlier told her I was fine and please just go relax and play with her grandson.

STOP TRYING TO “HELP”. Be the grandmother. Play with your grandkids and give your DIL some space.

[Anonymous]

I would feel so odd if a guest was cleaning/doing laundry. Just play with the grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anybody notice MIL’s on here only complain about DIL’s.
It’s never MIL’s complaining about SIL’s. Why is that?

Yes, it's because America is a totally sexist society and all burdens are put on women. OP you sound like a PITA to me. Sorry, and I'm a baby boomer so maybe around your same age or maybe older. My guess is your DIL was raised in a higher economic class than you and has higher standards. She knows you did a good job raising your son, but that's about it. She doesn't want you messing up the kitchen or not cleaning things properly. Maybe stop judging and start showing a positive attitude and play with the kids. Stop projecting on her and project on your son instead. Are you a Jewish mother by chance? You sound like mine.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree that none of this would be helpful to me. She wants you to play with the kids. That is great. It means she likes you.

Stop offering or asking to do all this weird stuff. Be a guest or leave. You are not born to serve.