DIL won't let me do anything for her

[Anonymous]

When my MIL "helps", it is unhelpful. She is either asking me 100 questions about how to operate the microwave/coffee maker and taking half an hour to make a cup (it would take me one minute) or she's provided unwanted commentary about how we arrange our dishes, what kind of dishes we have, what kind of dishes we should have instead, etc. She did our laundry once; it was uncomfortable, I don't need her commentary on my underwear.

She has other good qualities, but it is actually more pleasant for me if she just goes to relax.

[Anonymous]

Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.

[Anonymous]

Playing with the kids to me is the biggest help there is!

[Anonymous]

If my MIL (or anyone who's not my own mother) came over and tried to clean my house, I would be insulted. Like my house isn't clean enough or you don't think I can handle household tasks on my own.

Your DIL is telling you exactly how you can help by playing with the kids but you keep asking her if you can do her laundry. Either help the way she wants or she will just shut you out even more.

[Anonymous]

I don’t feel comfortable with my MIL doing these tasks, and agree that she should direct such questions at my husband. It’s not my place to tell my MIL to do laundry even if she’s offering.

[Anonymous]

OP, didn’t you post this same thing a few months ago? I guess you are back in your son and DIL’s home, but haven’t taken any of the advice from the last thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When my MIL "helps", it is unhelpful. She is either asking me 100 questions about how to operate the microwave/coffee maker and taking half an hour to make a cup (it would take me one minute) or she's provided unwanted commentary about how we arrange our dishes, what kind of dishes we have, what kind of dishes we should have instead, etc. She did our laundry once; it was uncomfortable, I don't need her commentary on my underwear.

She has other good qualities, but it is actually more pleasant for me if she just goes to relax.

+1000. This is my MIL too. She's actually a wonderful and engaged grandmother so I would so much rather she go play with the kids instead of "helping" in a way that I have to undo after she goes to bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you offer to help your son? Why isn't he doing any of those tasks to begin with?

This is a great approach. Also, why don’t want to spend time playing with your grandchildren?

As a mom I can tell you that’s one of the most helpful things you can do - especially if they’re little. It will take forever for me to explain how to prepare the roasted potatoes and try to find a spot for you to work Th hat doesn’t get in the way while I simultaneously figure something out to keep the kids away from the kitchen. If mom AND grandma are hanging out in there - it must be the most fun place in the house! Your “help” would result in dinner taking (at least) twice as long to prepare. Sometimes I just don’t have the bandwidth to take on so much extra work just so you can feel like you’re “helping.”

(Also I like my coffee with hot cocoa mix and a tiny bit of milk. I don’t want to seem like a diva by giving you super long instructions about where to find the Cocoa, how much to put in, etc, etc. I’d rather just get it myself.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either she's a control freak or she's trying very hard to be a polite host but doesn't know that she's actually being impolite since she's making you feel uncomfortable in her home. Have you talked to her?

Don’t do this.

You asked how to help. She told you. You don’t want to do what she said was helpful, you want to do what you want to do regardless of how unhelpful it is.

Don’t be a rude guest. Don’t be controlling. If you don’t want to help, don’t offer.

Your DIL told you what would be helpful to her. If you want to help- do that!! (Play with your grandchildren!!!) Otherwise, go back to ignoring the grandchildren you supposedly came to see and just start another thread online about how you dislike your DIL.

[Anonymous]

When my in laws, or my siblings are in town, I want them to interact with my kid so they'll have a bond and memories. It is not helpful to me to have my MIL in my kitchen trying to hack the coffee machine while I feel like a jackass for being waited on in my own home and feel guilt about them not getting quality time.

It's nice that you want to help. The most important thing you can do is spend time with your grandchildren. The closer they feel to you, the more you'll see them, and by extension your son/DIL over the coming years, and maybe, just maybe, she'll let you scrub her grout or whatever chore will make you feel like you've made it into the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be SUCH a help if my ILs would play with the kids and let me do the chores! I have a system for folding laundry, she never knows where to put the dishes or whose clothes are whose, etc. It is super sweet but that is exactly the help I want! Plus I love cooking and only get to spend a decent amount of time making something nice when the kids are occupied.

Yes. Plus, I don’t need my MIL washing my underwear FFS.

[Anonymous]

I think you're reading too much into this. She's trying to let you relax and doesn't need the help. It's different when her parents come because she spent 18+ years living with them and therefore has different relationship with them: that doesn't mean you did something wrong, it' just that you are not her mother.

My MIL probably feels like you do. She's very nice, and helps a decent amount, but I don't want her to help cook when she offers because I don't need help and our kitchen is small and she frankly doesn't like to cook and isn't great at it, and I don't want ANYONE helping me with my laundry or getting my coffee. It's not personal. Still, my MIL talked to my DH and even my own mom (they talk sometimes) and how she felt she hadn't "bonded with me" and I was really put off: jfc, woman, we get along, everything's fine, what do you want from me - to do each other's nails and talk about boys?

Sometimes you just have to let go of the vision you had and accept the reality that is. Sounds like yours isn't bad, but that you're just upset about a perceived situation unnecessarily.

[Anonymous]

I'm a DIL. I refuse all help because I come onto nasty sites like DCUM and MILs are whining about being "forced childcare" for their DILs. And they bemoan how millennials need help and shouldn't have had kids if they need help.

But honestly, I just wish my inlaws played with my kids more. But if I leave them alone in the playroom to get quality time, they feel like they're babysitting. I kinda can't win.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I don't want anyone else but myself or my husband to do my laundry. Ever. I also feel uncomfortable (and judged) having somebody just randomly wanting to clean my home. If I invited you over, the house has been cleaned already. I also don't want anyone else going through my cabinets, cupboards, dressers, drawers, closets, etc "organizing" things for me. Stay outta my stuff, thank you very much.

If you want to visit with the kids and help to keep them entertained - yes! Do that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you offer to help your son? Why isn't he doing any of those tasks to begin with?

This is a great approach. Also, why don’t want to spend time playing with your grandchildren?

As a mom I can tell you that’s one of the most helpful things you can do - especially if they’re little. It will take forever for me to explain how to prepare the roasted potatoes and try to find a spot for you to work Th hat doesn’t get in the way while I simultaneously figure something out to keep the kids away from the kitchen. If mom AND grandma are hanging out in there - it must be the most fun place in the house! Your “help” would result in dinner taking (at least) twice as long to prepare. Sometimes I just don’t have the bandwidth to take on so much extra work just so you can feel like you’re “helping.”

(Also I like my coffee with hot cocoa mix and a tiny bit of milk. I don’t want to seem like a diva by giving you super long instructions about where to find the Cocoa, how much to put in, etc, etc. I’d rather just get it myself.)

Yes to allllllllllllll of this. Especially the son part. Why are you harrassing your DIL with all this rather than your son? I appreciate the thought, but I don't want you in my dirty laundry, I don't want to explain to you a zillion instructions on cleaning or cooking or where things go. I want you to have a nice visit and enjoy the family and not stress me out "helping."