DIL won't let me do anything for her

[Anonymous]

When I visit my son/DIL, I try to help, and DIL won't let me do anything for her. She declines help with laundry, cooking, cleaning, everything. Whenever I offer to help, she just urges me to play with the kids, or go relax. She's always polite about it, but I feel shut out. I've seen her family visit, and it seems more like they're family; I'm a guest.

I've even offered to pour her coffee. She'll say "no" then go get herself a cup a moment later.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. About to visit for Christmas and looking for some advice.

[Anonymous]

Do you offer to help your son? Why isn't he doing any of those tasks to begin with?

[Anonymous]

That sucks, she's obviously being passive aggressive. She's letting you know as best she can that she doesn't want you in her space; so the best thing you can do is just stop asking and give her space.

[Anonymous]

Either she's a control freak or she's trying very hard to be a polite host but doesn't know that she's actually being impolite since she's making you feel uncomfortable in her home. Have you talked to her?

[Anonymous]

You ARE a guest in her house. Of course she is more comfortable with her own family who she grew up with and who probably do things the same way she does.

Entertain the kids so she can get things done. Play games with them, go for a walk, etc. Don't hover.

[Anonymous]

It took me a long time to get use to someone helping. My mom would never help or get me a cup of coffee so that is my normal. It has nothing to do with you and all to do with my Mom. Eventually I transitioned over to my MIL's way. Keep trying. It probably has nothing to do with you.

[Anonymous]

In my house, it is very much a help to me to play with the kids. And while I'm not a person who wants everything done a certain way, there are people like that, and they might prefer the opportunity to do their laundry in quiet without their kids hanging all over them...

I feel somewhat awkward having someone serve me something (like coffee) in my own house, so I wouldn't read too much into the examples you cited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, she's obviously being passive aggressive. She's letting you know as best she can that she doesn't want you in her space; so the best thing you can do is just stop asking and give her space.

Disagree - she might just not be a natural people person and finds some relationships harder to navigate. She may well like and appreciate her MIL's presence, but not want to offend and is being cautious.

[Anonymous]

Where is your son in all of this? Your DIL isn't the only one living in that house, why is the burden solely on her?

[Anonymous]

Why do you think because she declines your help with regard to chores that you're doing something wrong?

Maybe she doesn't need assistance.
Maybe she takes pride in managing her own household.
Maybe it's cultural and she was raised to cater to guests not put them to work.
Could be any number of things that don't have anything to do with you.

Relax and be a grandmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, she's obviously being passive aggressive. She's letting you know as best she can that she doesn't want you in her space; so the best thing you can do is just stop asking and give her space.

Disagree - she might just not be a natural people person and finds some relationships harder to navigate. She may well like and appreciate her MIL's presence, but not want to offend and is being cautious.

Completely disagree too. I would be so embarrassed if my MIL tried to clean my house or serve me coffee in my own kitchen.

OP, why are you trying to do these things in the first place? I don't get that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, she's obviously being passive aggressive. She's letting you know as best she can that she doesn't want you in her space; so the best thing you can do is just stop asking and give her space.

She's not being impolite. She being a perfectly appropriate person in her own home. OP's expectations seem unusual to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sucks, she's obviously being passive aggressive. She's letting you know as best she can that she doesn't want you in her space; so the best thing you can do is just stop asking and give her space.

Huh? Passive aggressive how? Why does OP feel a need to pour her coffee?

[Anonymous]

It would be SUCH a help if my ILs would play with the kids and let me do the chores! I have a system for folding laundry, she never knows where to put the dishes or whose clothes are whose, etc. It is super sweet but that is exactly the help I want! Plus I love cooking and only get to spend a decent amount of time making something nice when the kids are occupied.

[Anonymous]

What about your son?