Reply to DIL won't let me do anything for her

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Keep being kind to her and offer her help.  When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.  
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OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different. [/quote]

You're reading way too much into it.  The grandkids are going to see you as fun grandma who plays with them.  No way is a kid going to pick up on the dynamic you describe.  One set of grandparents plays with DS a ton whenever they come over.  The other one doesn't and is usually itching to help out.  Guess which set of grandparents DS would rather visit? [/quote]

This. My parents don't help at all -- Mom physically can't and it would never occur to my dad. Which is fine. But my inlaws are dying to help and the only thing that is really helpful is playing with the kids. I don't want them doing my laundry or sorting my mail. One time they came over to help for 3 days while I had to travel for work and MIL rearranged all my kids' clothes, rearranged the dishes, put the mail in weird places, threw out stuff from the freezer I'd been planning to cook/eat and rearranged my freezer and fridge system, etc. It took me 2 weeks to sort everything back where I wanted it. And that was with DH still around. Heaven knows what she'd have done if given the run of the place. She is very helpful and I am grateful but if I'm present, really, the most helpful thing is playing with the kids so I can go do everything else the way I want to (or just get a break!). [/quote]

Your MIL was unkind and intrusive to "help" you the way that she did.  It was her way of asserting her dominance over you which isn't nice.  How would she feel if you went over to her house and "helped" her like that while she was away for a few days?[/quote]

No, she wasn't. She means well and genuinely thought she was being helpful. And she was being helpful in other ways by helping with the childcare while I was away. It's just that her system of organization and mine are very different. (Honestly, I had to resist the urge to do the same thing when I went to my parents' house for a week while my mom was in the hospital. I did replace their dish drying rack because it was broken and my mom flipped out when she got home. But it was driving me crazy. So I know how MIL feels when she comes to my house and sees that my dishes are not organized by color, or whatever.)

That said -- yeah, when they come over and I am there and they want to help, it really is most helpful if they just play with the kids.[/quote]

The difference is that you *resisted* the urge to rearrange things in your mother's house because you know that is not a nice thing to do to someone else.  There is a reason that little voice inside your head told you not to do that.  I stand by my judgment of your MIL.  It's good that you've been able to move past that.[/quote]

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