DIL won't let me do anything for her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.

OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.

That is one distorted view. You have the opportunity to have some fun with your grandkids and make memories with them and here you are worrying about your grandchildren not seeing you in the kitchen doing something "important" like peeling the potatoes? Come on. Your DIL is absolutely right, you need to work on building a special relationship with your grandkids. If you don't know what to do with them ask your son for help.

You may be more comfortable peeling the potatoes or folding laundry but your grandkids will remember you playing Go Fish and reading with them! Do that!

Agree that you’re totally looking at this the wrong way. It is not a competition.

You’re making it pretty clear why she keeps you at arms length.

[Anonymous]

This is the same OP that got flamed in the Family Relationships forum:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/841065.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my house, it is very much a help to me to play with the kids. And while I'm not a person who wants everything done a certain way, there are people like that, and they might prefer the opportunity to do their laundry in quiet without their kids hanging all over them...

I feel somewhat awkward having someone serve me something (like coffee) in my own house, so I wouldn't read too much into the examples you cited.

+100

[Anonymous]

I would be like your DIL. I have gotten to the point where I just realize that my MIL and I will never have the relationship I have with my mom or family members. It sucks because I live near my in laws and not my mom but we are having a baby in the summer and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my mother in law doing any chores around the house. My mom on the other hand will be put to work.

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t like you.
Accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the same OP that got flamed in the Family Relationships forum:

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/841065.page

Totally. And you don’t get to only ask for help from your contemporaries. I best you post in expectant moms or the kid forums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like you.
Accept it.

No, I don't think so. It sounds as though she really just wants Op to spend time with her grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be like your DIL. I have gotten to the point where I just realize that my MIL and I will never have the relationship I have with my mom or family members. It sucks because I live near my in laws and not my mom but we are having a baby in the summer and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my mother in law doing any chores around the house. My mom on the other hand will be put to work.

You can have that relationship. You choose not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be like your DIL. I have gotten to the point where I just realize that my MIL and I will never have the relationship I have with my mom or family members. It sucks because I live near my in laws and not my mom but we are having a baby in the summer and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my mother in law doing any chores around the house. My mom on the other hand will be put to work.

You can have that relationship. You choose not to.

Wrong. both people have to chose the relationship. My MIL has never treated me like she would her daughter. I have been married for 7 years and it take two to build that kind of relationship. If she wanted it, she could have invested in building that kind of unconditional love early on so that I could feel that I could actually ask her for help if I needed it. I don't feel that I have unconditional love in that relationship and when you are having a baby (a super vulnerable time) you want to be around someone that will help and support you even in the darkest time not someone you feel will secretly judge you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be like your DIL. I have gotten to the point where I just realize that my MIL and I will never have the relationship I have with my mom or family members. It sucks because I live near my in laws and not my mom but we are having a baby in the summer and I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my mother in law doing any chores around the house. My mom on the other hand will be put to work.

You can have that relationship. You choose not to.

Wrong. both people have to chose the relationship. My MIL has never treated me like she would her daughter. I have been married for 7 years and it take two to build that kind of relationship. If she wanted it, she could have invested in building that kind of unconditional love early on so that I could feel that I could actually ask her for help if I needed it. I don't feel that I have unconditional love in that relationship and when you are having a baby (a super vulnerable time) you want to be around someone that will help and support you even in the darkest time not someone you feel will secretly judge you.

+1 This is so well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like you.
Accept it.

No, I don't think so. It sounds as though she really just wants Op to spend time with her grandkids.

Yeah as I’m, “I don’t like you I don’t want to interact with you go play with the kids.”

[Anonymous]

I am so damn sick of MILs whining about DILs. Go whine to your sons! Go help your sons cook!

[Anonymous]

Anybody notice MIL’s on here only complain about DIL’s.
It’s never MIL’s complaining about SIL’s. Why is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.

OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.

You're reading way too much into it. The grandkids are going to see you as fun grandma who plays with them. No way is a kid going to pick up on the dynamic you describe. One set of grandparents plays with DS a ton whenever they come over. The other one doesn't and is usually itching to help out. Guess which set of grandparents DS would rather visit?

This. My parents don't help at all -- Mom physically can't and it would never occur to my dad. Which is fine. But my inlaws are dying to help and the only thing that is really helpful is playing with the kids. I don't want them doing my laundry or sorting my mail. One time they came over to help for 3 days while I had to travel for work and MIL rearranged all my kids' clothes, rearranged the dishes, put the mail in weird places, threw out stuff from the freezer I'd been planning to cook/eat and rearranged my freezer and fridge system, etc. It took me 2 weeks to sort everything back where I wanted it. And that was with DH still around. Heaven knows what she'd have done if given the run of the place. She is very helpful and I am grateful but if I'm present, really, the most helpful thing is playing with the kids so I can go do everything else the way I want to (or just get a break!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep being kind to her and offer her help. When she says go and play with kids, do that. Take your cues from how she wants to raise the kids and follow her rules when you are with them.

At the end of your visit, offer to your son to look after the kids, while your son and DIL can take a break or go out for a meal.

Take care of your own needs so that she does not have to cater to you. Make your bed, make kids beds, wipe bathroom after you use it, clean up the dishes, make your own breakfast etc.

She is more comfortable with her family and that is understandable. You are not in competition with them.

Remember her birthday, marriage anniversary, kids birthdays, mothers day etc, wish her on her special day and send her money gift to use as she would like to.

Don't be critical, give her space, praise her for genuine things.

OP here. I see some of your points (I'm taking notes, everyone). But it IS a competition, because I'm the grandma who gets relegated off to play ball, and they see their other side of the family in the kitchen and doing things. I'm a guest; they're family. It is different. In that way, it is a competition, and I can't even play to win!

I know, I know it's not actually a competition. But she lets her family help, and treats me like a guest; therefore, my grandkids will see me that way. The visits are different.

You're reading way too much into it. The grandkids are going to see you as fun grandma who plays with them. No way is a kid going to pick up on the dynamic you describe. One set of grandparents plays with DS a ton whenever they come over. The other one doesn't and is usually itching to help out. Guess which set of grandparents DS would rather visit?

This. My parents don't help at all -- Mom physically can't and it would never occur to my dad. Which is fine. But my inlaws are dying to help and the only thing that is really helpful is playing with the kids. I don't want them doing my laundry or sorting my mail. One time they came over to help for 3 days while I had to travel for work and MIL rearranged all my kids' clothes, rearranged the dishes, put the mail in weird places, threw out stuff from the freezer I'd been planning to cook/eat and rearranged my freezer and fridge system, etc. It took me 2 weeks to sort everything back where I wanted it. And that was with DH still around. Heaven knows what she'd have done if given the run of the place. She is very helpful and I am grateful but if I'm present, really, the most helpful thing is playing with the kids so I can go do everything else the way I want to (or just get a break!).

Your MIL was unkind and intrusive to "help" you the way that she did. It was her way of asserting her dominance over you which isn't nice. How would she feel if you went over to her house and "helped" her like that while she was away for a few days?