I can’t stand my 4.5 year old

[Anonymous]

What’s her relationship like with her dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call Claire Lerner first thing Monday. She will change your life, your relationship with child, and save your marriage. She is outstanding. She often works hand in hand with an OT that is gifted at helping change challenging behaviors in difficult children. Good luck and just call Claire- you’ll be alright.

The child doesn’t seem difficult though. She’s behaving like any child would to being rejected by her mother. She also has to watch her mother love her two brothers unconditionally while rejecting her. That’s really hard for a kid.

I think the mom needs individual therapy. This isn’t a parenting issue so much as something very troubling is going on with OP. Maybe OP is conditioned to be on edge with other female family members because of her experience with her own mom and sister. I don’t know why she’s keeping her daughter at arms length, but she should try to figure it out. At a minimum send your daughter to full day preschool. This little girl doesn’t need to be rejected all day every day at home. That sounds hellish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of women like the idea of a SAHM lifestyle yet don't actually like kids as much as they think they do. OP hasn't listed one behavior of her daughter that sounds outside the range of normal, she's just not "easy" like the other two. I wonder where OP got the impression this was supposed to be easy?

Boys are generally slower to develop, emotionally, so their needs may feel less complex. Especially if OP has emotional challenges of her own. It may be that the daughter expresses needs she has a hard time acknowledging in herself. Typical “shadow” — other person seems horribly unbearable.

Nah. Some women just hate other women. This attitude applies to their own daughters unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call Claire Lerner first thing Monday. She will change your life, your relationship with child, and save your marriage. She is outstanding. She often works hand in hand with an OT that is gifted at helping change challenging behaviors in difficult children. Good luck and just call Claire- you’ll be alright.

The child doesn’t seem difficult though. She’s behaving like any child would to being rejected by her mother. She also has to watch her mother love her two brothers unconditionally while rejecting her. That’s really hard for a kid.

I think the mom needs individual therapy. This isn’t a parenting issue so much as something very troubling is going on with OP. Maybe OP is conditioned to be on edge with other female family members because of her experience with her own mom and sister. I don’t know why she’s keeping her daughter at arms length, but she should try to figure it out. At a minimum send your daughter to full day preschool. This little girl doesn’t need to be rejected all day every day at home. That sounds hellish.

[/quote
You’re an ass. Burn out is burn out. That doesn’t mean someone is troubled or needs therapy. It means they need a break. The daycare angle may be really helpful for this family.

[Anonymous]

My situation wasn't as bad, but my DD was very difficult right around the ages of 3 to 5. She is very headstrong and independent, and isn't a cuddler, but at that age she'd feel insecure and would try to get attention by pushing my buttons. I finally realized that even if she seemed not to like kisses and cuddles, she still craved them.

Even now, at 10, when she gets anxious/tired/unhappy, she tends to lash out, pick fights, whine. She throws herself at us and sometimes scratches or kicks. Not entirely on purpose, but it's like she is flailing. It's so irritating! But she is not trying to piss us off, she is externalizing her feelings.

What helped: Patience. More genuine physical contact. Finding things to do together that we enjoyed. Just her growing up. But, mostly, realizing that her behaviors weren't about me, weren't out of spite, but her struggling to figure out how to express herself. Also, I think her preschool made her very anxious (AppleTree isn't for everyone), so maybe consider whether your DD's preschool could be the source? Does she do better or worse on weekends? And also sibling jealousy. My DD had a hard time when her younger brother was born, for sure...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m the mom of the two autistic kids. I didn’t mean to suggest that you were depressed as in having a mental illness. But you do sound tired and burned out with your daughter, and your frustration tolerance with her is clearly low. It sounds like a hard situation for you, her and everyone.

Please prioritize looking into an evaluation for her. She may just be challenging because she is, but there’s also a good chance she needs some expert intervention. I’m assuming she’ll be in school full time next year, and the sooner you get a handle on what’s causing her needs the better.

My guess is you’re not a perfect parent. I’m not. Nor are most of us. And behaviorally challenged kids can bring out the worst in us. (I’ve had some moments I’m not proud of.). But understanding your kids is the first step in helping them. And for me, learning why my kids were prone to meltdowns, couldn’t follow directions, etc., has certainly helped me have compassion for them—even during their most challenging moments l.

Good luck. And hang in there.

I agree with this PP: Approach it from both ends. I know a few kids that were like your four year old at that age that have diagnoses as older kids. Get in there and figure it out--the family history of bipolar would be enough to make me really push to address things sooner than later.

But, the other end is you. Whether you count as depressed or not, you need something that helps refresh you, some kind of break. Plan things that make you happy, both solo and with the kids. Go for easy wins, and let go things that are hard to the extent you can. Divide and conquer with your spouse to get one on one or one on two time with the kids for both of you. All that can help too.

Hang in there--being honest about your feelings on an online forum doesn't make you a bad mom. You're allowed to say how hard it is--and you're a good mom for seeking help and trying to do something about a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call Claire Lerner first thing Monday. She will change your life, your relationship with child, and save your marriage. She is outstanding. She often works hand in hand with an OT that is gifted at helping change challenging behaviors in difficult children. Good luck and just call Claire- you’ll be alright.

The child doesn’t seem difficult though. She’s behaving like any child would to being rejected by her mother. She also has to watch her mother love her two brothers unconditionally while rejecting her. That’s really hard for a kid.

I think the mom needs individual therapy. This isn’t a parenting issue so much as something very troubling is going on with OP. Maybe OP is conditioned to be on edge with other female family members because of her experience with her own mom and sister. I don’t know why she’s keeping her daughter at arms length, but she should try to figure it out. At a minimum send your daughter to full day preschool. This little girl doesn’t need to be rejected all day every day at home. That sounds hellish.

+1000
You can't tell me that the daughter isn't picking up on the obvious favoritism played by her own mother. I'm sure that's at least a contributing factor.
Similar to a PP, I wonder what this child's relationship is to her father?

[Anonymous]

OP, just here to say that you should ignore the nasty responses. People who have never had difficult children do not understand. It’s clear to me you love all of your children. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What’s her relationship like with her dad?

She prefers me and is more difficult with her dad. Often physical with him, hitting and kicking him when angry. More defiant as he is more headstrong while I am more calm and permissive with her. He often tells me he doesn’t know how I can handle her for 6-8 hours a day. They have more fun outside of the house together as he often takes her places on the weekends which she loves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call Claire Lerner first thing Monday. She will change your life, your relationship with child, and save your marriage. She is outstanding. She often works hand in hand with an OT that is gifted at helping change challenging behaviors in difficult children. Good luck and just call Claire- you’ll be alright.

The child doesn’t seem difficult though. She’s behaving like any child would to being rejected by her mother. She also has to watch her mother love her two brothers unconditionally while rejecting her. That’s really hard for a kid.

I think the mom needs individual therapy. This isn’t a parenting issue so much as something very troubling is going on with OP. Maybe OP is conditioned to be on edge with other female family members because of her experience with her own mom and sister. I don’t know why she’s keeping her daughter at arms length, but she should try to figure it out. At a minimum send your daughter to full day preschool. This little girl doesn’t need to be rejected all day every day at home. That sounds hellish.

Just reading this while kids have tv time before lunch and have to laugh at “she doesn’t seem difficult”. Just a snippet from
today already. She got into the car at preschool pickup and I tried to hug/kiss her and she growled at me and pulled away. She grabbed my half drank Diet Coke from the front of the car and said she wanted it. I said she could have a little bit with lunch. She opened it and drank it while running to the back
Of the van. I reached back and grabbed it from her and she screamed and refused to get into her car seat. We sat in the parking lot for awhile until I was able to convince her to eat the apple I brought her as a snack then I was able to buckle her in.

We drove home. When we got home, I allow them to watch a show while I prepare lunch and sometimes get her little brother to nap. I put on a show she didn’t like (she just liked it yesterday) and screamed at me to change it. I said no and put the remote up high where I keep it. She pushed a chair over, grabbed it, (while I was watching her and telling her not to), and then ran into the room with it. She refused to give
It to me. I grabbed it from her hands when she watch on the couch and she kicked me hard in the stomach. I ignored her and walked away while she tantrumed. I took her little brother upstairs to put him down to nap and she ran upstairs and kicked me in the back of the legs
I told her to go in her room for a time out. She refused. I picked her up and put her in there and held the door closed for a
Few minutes. She trashed her room.

After getting this out, I opened the door and hugged her and told her her snack was downstairs. She went down to get it and then I put my son down to nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of women like the idea of a SAHM lifestyle yet don't actually like kids as much as they think they do. OP hasn't listed one behavior of her daughter that sounds outside the range of normal, she's just not "easy" like the other two. I wonder where OP got the impression this was supposed to be easy?

Boys are generally slower to develop, emotionally, so their needs may feel less complex. Especially if OP has emotional challenges of her own. It may be that the daughter expresses needs she has a hard time acknowledging in herself. Typical “shadow” — other person seems horribly unbearable.

Thank you for this. Food for thought. Perhaps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op: I have two autistic kids. On the one hand, I can fully relate to the feelings of exhaustion and of being overwhelmed. I can also relate to the dashed expectations of having a kid with a set of behavioral challenges that are simply harder than what you had expected.

But I have always truly loved my time with my kids. I positively love being around them. While maybe they have some behaviors I can’t stand, I’ve never come close to saying or even thinking that I can’t stand them.

You frankly sound depressed.

One thing that has helped me handle my very challenging children is that I never stopped working. When they were younger we had a fabulous nanny. I was still very hands on, but it was never all on me.

You might consider going back to work.

Meanwhile look into an evaluation for your child. She may have some underlying issues that lead to emotional regulation challenges (e.g., anxiety, ADHD, even HFA).

Thank you for this. Yes I am looking into evaluations. I might consider some depression too if I were reading this cold but I know myself and I am not depressed nor do I have mental health issues. I am simply parenting a very difficult daughter. My mom, mil, and sil (both my mom and sil are BPD) are all very intense personalities so I think it’s just the genetic lottery. I would do back to work but for my two very chill, pleasant sons ages 2 and 7. I don’t want to be away from them. I love being a sahm. It’s just a mismatch of our personalities and I need help. Badly.

Your mom is BPD? Have you ever considered that you might have some emotional difficulties from that relationship that you are carrying into your parenting? You might have felt for example like your mom was a bottomless pit and invaded your boundaries. Children do have their own temperaments, but they also vibe off their caregivers. You need to be firm with your boundaries, differentiate her (probably much more appropriate developmental needs and challenges from your mother’s, and think about counseling to get to the bottom of this for you. I suspect your daughter is a gift to heal your relationship with your mom. If you can stay present, grounded, and authentic with her, you may see that the mother-daughter relationship isn’t always one of neediness, broken boundaries, and unrequited affection.

Thank you for this. I will talk to my therapist about it. I really appreciate your time typing this insight. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can understand you OP completely. I only have 1 daughter who is almost 4 and is rather difficult. I work hard all day at work, then come home, cook dinner which she won't eat much, then 2 hrs later, she is hungry and want's to eat something. Then, she won't go to bed early, then in the mornings, it's hard to wake her up for preschool, because she likes to sleep late. Of course, everything she wants to do- pick her clothes, shoes etc.- which takes for ever. Every day of the same crap- I'm tired and dream to be somewhere away from my child. I never would think that this all could be so hard.

I know you're not OP, and OP please don't read this psycho and think you're anything like them. This mom is failing. You are not, OP!!

And to this poster....

Why not serve dinner at 630 when she's hungry? why does she HAVE to eat right after getting home from school/daycare?

You don't let her pick from the whole closet. You give choices. Literally parenting 101. You pick - red or blue dress? You pick, black or pink shoes? You pick, knee or low socks?

For your child's sake, I too dream of you being far away from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call Claire Lerner first thing Monday. She will change your life, your relationship with child, and save your marriage. She is outstanding. She often works hand in hand with an OT that is gifted at helping change challenging behaviors in difficult children. Good luck and just call Claire- you’ll be alright.

The child doesn’t seem difficult though. She’s behaving like any child would to being rejected by her mother. She also has to watch her mother love her two brothers unconditionally while rejecting her. That’s really hard for a kid.

I think the mom needs individual therapy. This isn’t a parenting issue so much as something very troubling is going on with OP. Maybe OP is conditioned to be on edge with other female family members because of her experience with her own mom and sister. I don’t know why she’s keeping her daughter at arms length, but she should try to figure it out. At a minimum send your daughter to full day preschool. This little girl doesn’t need to be rejected all day every day at home. That sounds hellish.

Just reading this while kids have tv time before lunch and have to laugh at “she doesn’t seem difficult”. Just a snippet from
today already. She got into the car at preschool pickup and I tried to hug/kiss her and she growled at me and pulled away. She grabbed my half drank Diet Coke from the front of the car and said she wanted it. I said she could have a little bit with lunch. She opened it and drank it while running to the back
Of the van. I reached back and grabbed it from her and she screamed and refused to get into her car seat. We sat in the parking lot for awhile until I was able to convince her to eat the apple I brought her as a snack then I was able to buckle her in.

We drove home. When we got home, I allow them to watch a show while I prepare lunch and sometimes get her little brother to nap. I put on a show she didn’t like (she just liked it yesterday) and screamed at me to change it. I said no and put the remote up high where I keep it. She pushed a chair over, grabbed it, (while I was watching her and telling her not to), and then ran into the room with it. She refused to give
It to me. I grabbed it from her hands when she watch on the couch and she kicked me hard in the stomach. I ignored her and walked away while she tantrumed. I took her little brother upstairs to put him down to nap and she ran upstairs and kicked me in the back of the legs
I told her to go in her room for a time out. She refused. I picked her up and put her in there and held the door closed for a
Few minutes. She trashed her room.

After getting this out, I opened the door and hugged her and told her her snack was downstairs. She went down to get it and then I put my son down to nap.

1- time outs don't work. Have you tried a time-in?
2- Why did you just watch her defy you over and over?
3- If my mom blatantly hated me and was willing to openly admit that she LOVED my brothers and they were oh so perfect in every way... I'd act out too. Try not locking her in her room and loving on her... poor kid

[Anonymous]

OP - Sign up for Dr. Shapiro's class. It's truly amazing and well recommended on the special needs board. It will truly arm you with good skills.

http://www.parentchildjourney.com/