I can’t stand my 4.5 year old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is constantly difficult and has been since she was 3. Always crying, whining, tantruming. Will scream for hugs then kick us when we come to comfort her. Follows me constantly and talks non stop. My skin crawls when she is close to me. She grabs onto my legs and doesn’t let go, doesn’t let me walk. Screams
When I pull her off. She is making me miserable. My boys are not like this. She is hurting my marriage as we are so stressed by her.

I never thought that the daughter I dreamed so much of having could make my life such a hell scape. I honestly do not like her and wish to be away from her due to all the misbehavior. I am just going through the motions with her.

I’ve been going through the emotions from day 1. I understand you OP. I dislike being a mom. I hope the therapist can help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention multiple other children. How much 1:1 time does she get? Real, undistracted 1:1 quality time?

At least 30mins-1 hr a day. I am a sahm. She is in morning preschool every day.

If you feel this way you need to put her in full time care. That’s what I did. My son is exceptionally difficult. I adore him but it was hurting both of us having him home (I work 4 days a week). I started getting more alone time myself on my day off, working out and prepping for our family weekend together. His daycare provider loves him and he loves her. So I don’t feel guilty.

I feel like I was getting too stressed and he wasn’t enjoying himself. He’s actually behaving better now and I have more patience. I have older kids too. No shame in doing what you have to do to get by.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like she needs more affection and closeness to you. All kids can be difficult but saying your child makes your skin crawl is a huge red flag to me. I cannot imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she needs more affection and closeness to you. All kids can be difficult but saying your child makes your skin crawl is a huge red flag to me. I cannot imagine.

I know, it’s terrible. I honestly do snuggle her and invite her on my
lap often during the day, plus I rub her back and hold her hand when she goes to sleep at night. It’s like she needs more
Than I can provide for her. She has me all to herself when brother naps for
at least 2 hours a day. I give her undivided attention for at
least one hour. Her needs for affection and comfort feel like a bottomless pit I can never fill. I don’t understand it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention multiple other children. How much 1:1 time does she get? Real, undistracted 1:1 quality time?

At least 30mins-1 hr a day. I am a sahm. She is in morning preschool every day.

If you feel this way you need to put her in full time care. That’s what I did. My son is exceptionally difficult. I adore him but it was hurting both of us having him home (I work 4 days a week). I started getting more alone time myself on my day off, working out and prepping for our family weekend together. His daycare provider loves him and he loves her. So I don’t feel guilty.

I feel like I was getting too stressed and he wasn’t enjoying himself. He’s actually behaving better now and I have more patience. I have older kids too. No shame in doing what you have to do to get by.

Thanks for this. We are considering it but means more running around
For my DH who would then have to handle all drop offs and pickups.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if this is a good idea, but maybe put her in daycare full time. Maybe she needs to be around peers more and have more structure all day. Then you’d also get more alone time. Sounds like a tough situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she appear really smart?

I had a brother like this and he drove my mother crazy. It turned out he was like a ",Young Sheldon,' and had an IQ over 200. He was just bored with normal/average school. My parents finally found a school for exceptionally bright children and it made a huge difference. He is still a PITA but he's grown and married and someone else's PITA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she needs more affection and closeness to you. All kids can be difficult but saying your child makes your skin crawl is a huge red flag to me. I cannot imagine.

I know, it’s terrible. I honestly do snuggle her and invite her on my
lap often during the day, plus I rub her back and hold her hand when she goes to sleep at night. It’s like she needs more
Than I can provide for her. She has me all to herself when brother naps for
at least 2 hours a day. I give her undivided attention for at
least one hour. Her needs for affection and comfort feel like a bottomless pit I can never fill. I don’t understand it.

Maybe the kind of affection you give her isnt the kind that fills her. My one kid loves to be cuddled and have her hair stroked. The other is content for me to just sit with her and watch her draw. When does she seem to be most fulfilled?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mention multiple other children. How much 1:1 time does she get? Real, undistracted 1:1 quality time?

At least 30mins-1 hr a day. I am a sahm. She is in morning preschool every day.

If you feel this way you need to put her in full time care. That’s what I did. My son is exceptionally difficult. I adore him but it was hurting both of us having him home (I work 4 days a week). I started getting more alone time myself on my day off, working out and prepping for our family weekend together. His daycare provider loves him and he loves her. So I don’t feel guilty.

I feel like I was getting too stressed and he wasn’t enjoying himself. He’s actually behaving better now and I have more patience. I have older kids too. No shame in doing what you have to do to get by.

Thanks for this. We are considering it but means more running around
For my DH who would then have to handle all drop offs and pickups.

I wouldn’t do this. She’ll be in K next year - you are almost there! I think it will improve a lot then. My oldest was really tough at 4.5 and steadily improved when real school started. At 11 she’s still intense but delightful.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god - are you in therapy, OP? It really sounds like you need it.

[Anonymous]

This post makes me sad

[Anonymous]

Full time daycare was lifesaving for us.

[Anonymous]

My son was difficult and my life was stressful besides that. I remember a few times when I did have the leisure and time (e.g. my first paid vacation in some years) to really focus on him and it was remarkable how much easier I found it to get along with him. Later he did turn out to have neuro issues contributing to psych issues (he was also very bright, although his WISC testing and other testing showed a lot of intra discrepancies). So not getting the attention he needed was part of it. Underlying issues (the neuro dx) was part of it. I also think it was hard to get good advice on how to parent him (we started therapy and assessment with him when he was around 6 because the k teacher was saying ADHD a lot--which was not the underlying dx though. I had a therapist as well and it still seems strange in retrospect that neither his nor my therapist (both clinical phd's in a outpatient practice linked to an inpatient psych hospital) gave me substantial advice on parenting--and what they did provide was not consistent between the two of them!

Anyway, there is also something called dyadic therapy which looks specifically at parent-child relationship you might want to look into (have read about but never participated in).

Definitely think you need to seek out opportunities to clear your deck of other commitments and focus on connecting with your child. I would try to avoid making this high stakes--i.e. hanging out in the park instead of a structured event, and try to some extent to follow your child's lead. (I'm a big believer in dropping efforts to control difficult situations to let them play out and really pay attention to what's happening).

[Anonymous]

OP, my DS was like this and it drove me mad. He is 6 and I still can't stand to be around him.

He was difficult from the start and I was a stressed-out first time mom because nothing worked - we did all the diets and tried all the suggestions. I finally put him in full-time childcare. He went on to be diagnosed with a language disorder, anxiety, ADHD, and who knows what else is coming. Likely not the case with your daughter, but at least it gave me some answers. I totally understand what it's like to live in frustration and exhaustion over the whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds like she needs more affection and closeness to you. All kids can be difficult but saying your child makes your skin crawl is a huge red flag to me. I cannot imagine.

I know, it’s terrible. I honestly do snuggle her and invite her on my
lap often during the day, plus I rub her back and hold her hand when she goes to sleep at night. It’s like she needs more
Than I can provide for her. She has me all to herself when brother naps for
at least 2 hours a day. I give her undivided attention for at
least one hour. Her needs for affection and comfort feel like a bottomless pit I can never fill. I don’t understand it.

I think it feels like a bottomless pit because she can sense your affection isn’t genuine. Then she clings harder and annoys you more and the cycle continues...

She’s feeling alone and insecure. Poor kid.