Getting married in our 40s. How should we combine finances?

[Anonymous]

At 40+, you’re not teaching any old dogs new tricks. I wouldn’t combine. You’re marrying for love, not money.

Transparency with money is more important than the transactional management of money. Just be open with each other about what’s going on.

But don’t combine or separate because you think it does (or doesn’t) mean anything about marriage. Do what you both are most comfortable with.

What does he say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have separate account and one joint account for the shared stuff-- mortgage, groceries, bills, etc.
Then have other joint savings account for "Home improvements", "Vacations" or other joint items.
Since you have been on your own for a while, you probably don't want to have to explain or get permission from your purchases. Keeping it separate would avoid getting upset that your partner spent your money on something you didn't want your money to go to and vice versa.

This is a recipe for disaster once kids are in the picture.

Why? That is the set-up we have with two kids. No issues whatsoever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We did joint everything. One issue that may matter a lot is whether one (or both) of you have a lot of wealth (>$1 million), especially if it is family wealth. In that case, keeping everything separate and within the respective families may avoid a lot of tension down the road.

when I got married, his family wealth became mine because I became family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should have separate account and one joint account for the shared stuff-- mortgage, groceries, bills, etc.
Then have other joint savings account for "Home improvements", "Vacations" or other joint items.
Since you have been on your own for a while, you probably don't want to have to explain or get permission from your purchases. Keeping it separate would avoid getting upset that your partner spent your money on something you didn't want your money to go to and vice versa.

This is a recipe for disaster once kids are in the picture.

The oP is in his/her 40s. Babies are pretty unlikely.

[Anonymous]

I'm 42, I've been with my DH since age 20. Finances have always been combined. However if I were just marrying now, and stuck in my ways as people usually are by the time they are in their 40s no way in HELL would I marry without a prenump and a full inventory of what I've brought into the marriage. Big difference between getting married poor and young and getting married when well established with investments and assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did joint everything. One issue that may matter a lot is whether one (or both) of you have a lot of wealth (>$1 million), especially if it is family wealth. In that case, keeping everything separate and within the respective families may avoid a lot of tension down the road.

when I got married, his family wealth became mine because I became family

Until you divorce. Then you get someone else's family's wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There are no kids. We aren’t going to have them, either.

Then just do joint everything. So much easier.

why marry at all if there will be no kids?

Try to stay on topic. I know it’s hard when you’re trying to be an insufferable a**, but just try.

lol
Can you answer though ? What's the point of getting married if you will have no kids?

The answer is quite simple. We love each other and want to enter into a binding marriage because of that. We can’t live without each other and complete each other’s lives. I’m sorry that you married just for a sperm donor. How sad and pathetic.

OP's response was so sweet and touching until it got nasty at the end. Own your choices without resorting to pettiness.

Actually I think her final point was spot on. Not everyone marries for a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh, can we skip the alluding to the archaic idea that women are breeders and marriage is for securing the blood line?

People can get married if they want to. Some people can’t have kids or don’t want them. That’s okay.

Next time you decided you are entitled to know why someone doesn’t have kids, STOP and consider that you might be bringing up a distressing topic for them.

Actually marriage is an archaic institution. People would get married for religious reasons, for economic reasons, for perpetuating the blood line.
No one here asked PP why she does not have kids. The question was why get married at all and go through such hassle at the age of 40+. Presumably they are having sex already so the religious reason does not apply, and she has her own money, hence the question about the mingling of funds, so she does not have to marry the guy of his money, and them having kids is not in the picture. She answered she was in love, fair enough reason I suppose, but then inexplicably she got all pissy.

As someone with a deceased spouse, I can assure you that marriage is much more "convenient" in dealing with the affairs of a brutal death than not being married. Plus the transfer of the estate is without tax penalty, this is enormous. It is foolish to build a life together without the legal protection of marriage.

There is a reason why gays have fought so hard for the right to marry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

sounds exhausting to me but i'm glad you guys figured out something that works for you

Yeah, that sounds like going Dutch forever. I would not have gone on a second date with a guy like this but whatever works for you.

This seems very fair and equal actually. What's wrong with going Dutch? You would have wanted the guy to keep paying for you? This couple make the same amount of money.

In our marriage, DH earns all the money and I spend as I please. When we first started dating, we were both in grad school. He still paid for my meals back then. I earned more than DH when we first got married. I paid for our first down payment, most of our wedding and most of all our vacations. Fast forward a decade and I stay home and take care of our children and DH now earns a seven figure income.

I just can’t imagine going Dutch at any income level. Do you make exactly the same? It is unlikely that both parties make exactly the same forever. In our circles, one spouse tends to cut back, not necessarily stay home so income will take a hit.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I didn’t write that sperm donor comment! Not that it matters on an anonymous board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We did joint everything. One issue that may matter a lot is whether one (or both) of you have a lot of wealth (>$1 million), especially if it is family wealth. In that case, keeping everything separate and within the respective families may avoid a lot of tension down the road.

when I got married, his family wealth became mine because I became family

Until you divorce. Then you get someone else's family's wealth.

And yet somehow I am ok with that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

sounds exhausting to me but i'm glad you guys figured out something that works for you

Yeah, that sounds like going Dutch forever. I would not have gone on a second date with a guy like this but whatever works for you.

This seems very fair and equal actually. What's wrong with going Dutch? You would have wanted the guy to keep paying for you? This couple make the same amount of money.

In our marriage, DH earns all the money and I spend as I please. When we first started dating, we were both in grad school. He still paid for my meals back then. I earned more than DH when we first got married. I paid for our first down payment, most of our wedding and most of all our vacations. Fast forward a decade and I stay home and take care of our children and DH now earns a seven figure income.

I just can’t imagine going Dutch at any income level. Do you make exactly the same? It is unlikely that both parties make exactly the same forever. In our circles, one spouse tends to cut back, not necessarily stay home so income will take a hit.

+1. Going Dutch in marriage is often a terrible deal for the woman. Any woman who plans to have kids and agrees to this is a huge loser. We don’t even have paid leave in this country and having kids holds back women professionally. Millions of reasons to not sign up for this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

“+1. Going Dutch in marriage is often a terrible deal for the woman. Any woman who plans to have kids and agrees to this is a huge loser. We don’t even have paid leave in this country and having kids holds back women professionally. Millions of reasons to not sign up for this arrangement. “

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

sounds exhausting to me but i'm glad you guys figured out something that works for you

Yeah, that sounds like going Dutch forever. I would not have gone on a second date with a guy like this but whatever works for you.

This seems very fair and equal actually. What's wrong with going Dutch? You would have wanted the guy to keep paying for you? This couple make the same amount of money.

In our marriage, DH earns all the money and I spend as I please. When we first started dating, we were both in grad school. He still paid for my meals back then. I earned more than DH when we first got married. I paid for our first down payment, most of our wedding and most of all our vacations. Fast forward a decade and I stay home and take care of our children and DH now earns a seven figure income.

I just can’t imagine going Dutch at any income level. Do you make exactly the same? It is unlikely that both parties make exactly the same forever. In our circles, one spouse tends to cut back, not necessarily stay home so income will take a hit.

+1. Going Dutch in marriage is often a terrible deal for the woman. Any woman who plans to have kids and agrees to this is a huge loser. We don’t even have paid leave in this country and having kids holds back women professionally. Millions of reasons to not sign up for this arrangement.

Puhleez. The vast majority of American women don't have the option of staying home with the kids or "cutting back" professionally. There is no reason to not split expenses fairly evenly, if both spouses continue to work and are making roughly similar incomes.

Now, if a woman stays home or the husband makes radically more money, I can see the argument to have him pay for the lions' share (if not all) of household expenses. But that's not the situation that sparked this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

sounds exhausting to me but i'm glad you guys figured out something that works for you

Yeah, that sounds like going Dutch forever. I would not have gone on a second date with a guy like this but whatever works for you.

This seems very fair and equal actually. What's wrong with going Dutch? You would have wanted the guy to keep paying for you? This couple make the same amount of money.

In our marriage, DH earns all the money and I spend as I please. When we first started dating, we were both in grad school. He still paid for my meals back then. I earned more than DH when we first got married. I paid for our first down payment, most of our wedding and most of all our vacations. Fast forward a decade and I stay home and take care of our children and DH now earns a seven figure income.

I just can’t imagine going Dutch at any income level. Do you make exactly the same? It is unlikely that both parties make exactly the same forever. In our circles, one spouse tends to cut back, not necessarily stay home so income will take a hit.

+1. Going Dutch in marriage is often a terrible deal for the woman. Any woman who plans to have kids and agrees to this is a huge loser. We don’t even have paid leave in this country and having kids holds back women professionally. Millions of reasons to not sign up for this arrangement.

Puhleez. The vast majority of American women don't have the option of staying home with the kids or "cutting back" professionally. There is no reason to not split expenses fairly evenly, if both spouses continue to work and are making roughly similar incomes.

Now, if a woman stays home or the husband makes radically more money, I can see the argument to have him pay for the lions' share (if not all) of household expenses. But that's not the situation that sparked this discussion.

You realize this is over 75% of marriages with children in the US, right?