Getting married in our 40s. How should we combine finances?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have been married for over 35 years, and DH and I have always kept out money separate.

We split costs, usually by category. For example, I provided the down payment for the house and he paid the mortgage.

He is free to spend money on things I wouldn't--a fence around the yard is a recent example--and I can spend money on things he wouldn't (private trainer for an adult child with some medical issues).

It helps that we are both generally frugal and that our incomes have been remarkably similar over the years.

It’s still the same money.

[Anonymous]

It's really a personal/couple's decision. There are different ways to do it and it really just depends on how you both want to do it.

We are the "everything in one pot" kind of couple. It has worked for us b/c we are both pretty similar with how we spend money and neither of us feels like we are getting the short end of the stick.

Other people find that having three pots works for them -- one joint account (each of you contributing in proportion to your income) and then each having a separate account.

Neither is necessarily better. But one might be better for you depending on how each of your looks at money and the relationship.

[Anonymous]

my spouse and i entered marriage with roughly similar wealth, and our only joint account is the one to pay the mortgage and utilities with. we did not do a pre-nup, but pre-marital wealth is not a marital asset unless it is commingled. We contributed equal amounts to the house, which *is* a marital asset, and jointly worked out wills and trusts. (I have to support my parents while they are still alive, so needed to make sure that would continue without forcing my spouse to deal with them while probably grieving himself.)

we do not monitor each others credit card charges or money management. large expenditures, $5000 and up, are usually discussed. we do generally do an annual reckoning with our financial advisor on our finances and retirement goals, etc. but financially i am just not going to commingle, just like we don't read each others email.

in the end, you need to arrange things so that they work for you, though one note is that a person should always have *some* credit and savings in their own name regardless of whether the daily accounts are commingled. on a joint account, each person has the ability to empty it without the input of the other. i have know more than one person wake up to suddenly empty bank accounts and divorce papers. It is rather hard to retain counsel if you don't have money to pay a retainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have been married for over 35 years, and DH and I have always kept out money separate.

We split costs, usually by category. For example, I provided the down payment for the house and he paid the mortgage.

He is free to spend money on things I wouldn't--a fence around the yard is a recent example--and I can spend money on things he wouldn't (private trainer for an adult child with some medical issues).

It helps that we are both generally frugal and that our incomes have been remarkably similar over the years.

It’s still the same money.

Not saying that it isn't. We both agree on maxing 401 ks, 529s, and putting aside more in investments and savings and act on it. We don't even agree on the best way to invest those extra funds. DH is real estate all the way, and I am almost entirely stocks. But since we keep things separate we have no arguments over how the other invests.

Whatever is left over after splitting expenses is each's to decide how to spend. DH truly dislikes the car I bought and thinks I should have bought another that would have cost more (both used--neither of us would ever contemplate new). This did not become an argument because the purchase was entirely mine.

I just don't see why marriage should suddenly make every discretionary purchase a joint decision after all the essential savings and expenses have been taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my spouse and i entered marriage with roughly similar wealth, and our only joint account is the one to pay the mortgage and utilities with. we did not do a pre-nup, but pre-marital wealth is not a marital asset unless it is commingled. We contributed equal amounts to the house, which *is* a marital asset, and jointly worked out wills and trusts. (I have to support my parents while they are still alive, so needed to make sure that would continue without forcing my spouse to deal with them while probably grieving himself.)

we do not monitor each others credit card charges or money management. large expenditures, $5000 and up, are usually discussed. we do generally do an annual reckoning with our financial advisor on our finances and retirement goals, etc. but financially i am just not going to commingle, just like we don't read each others email.

in the end, you need to arrange things so that they work for you, though one note is that a person should always have *some* credit and savings in their own name regardless of whether the daily accounts are commingled. on a joint account, each person has the ability to empty it without the input of the other. i have know more than one person wake up to suddenly empty bank accounts and divorce papers. It is rather hard to retain counsel if you don't have money to pay a retainer.

The problem with this is that often passive gains from that pre-marital wealth during the marriage are marital assets. Depending on the length of the marriage, the gains on the asset could potentially exceed the original value of the asset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There are no kids. We aren’t going to have them, either.

Then just do joint everything. So much easier.

[Anonymous]

We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

sounds exhausting to me but i'm glad you guys figured out something that works for you

[Anonymous]

I would keep them separate for a few years to make sure things work out and then merge. Merging is much easier as long as both agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have been married for over 35 years, and DH and I have always kept out money separate.

We split costs, usually by category. For example, I provided the down payment for the house and he paid the mortgage.

He is free to spend money on things I wouldn't--a fence around the yard is a recent example--and I can spend money on things he wouldn't (private trainer for an adult child with some medical issues).

It helps that we are both generally frugal and that our incomes have been remarkably similar over the years.

It’s still the same money.

Not saying that it isn't. We both agree on maxing 401 ks, 529s, and putting aside more in investments and savings and act on it. We don't even agree on the best way to invest those extra funds. DH is real estate all the way, and I am almost entirely stocks. But since we keep things separate we have no arguments over how the other invests.

Whatever is left over after splitting expenses is each's to decide how to spend. DH truly dislikes the car I bought and thinks I should have bought another that would have cost more (both used--neither of us would ever contemplate new). This did not become an argument because the purchase was entirely mine.

I just don't see why marriage should suddenly make every discretionary purchase a joint decision after all the essential savings and expenses have been taken care of.

This is true of if you keep it together or separate. You get the car you want, he gets what he wants. We have one pot of money. I discuss big things like a car, but my car, my decision - he had input on features but that was it. I spend what I want and he doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Wow the women above are not the sharpest tools in the shed.

Your marry, he makes it, you spend 99% of it, he gets pocket change for lunch and gas money. You outlive him you get 100% and if divorce happens you take 50% of the pot and out of his 50% pot take alimony and child support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

sounds exhausting to me but i'm glad you guys figured out something that works for you

It's not exhausting. We literally have three bills per month to pay: credit card (divide in half), mortgage, and child care. All the utilities + TV + cell phones are put on the credit card via autopay.

We each have our own retirement portals through work, so it's not like we can manage those jointly. I can't manage her 401K and she can't get access to mine; you literally need to get onto our work networks to gain access.

We toss in money to the 529 once per year in a large lump sum from our personal bank accounts. Easy peasy.

I have money in my own Vanguard IRA that I play with. I have some money in crypto. None of this would change if we decided we would merge bank accounts.

Frankly, so many accounts preexisted this marriage that it would be a huge pain in the ass to close and consolidate them all. We each have active credit card lines that are nearly 20 years old - closing such old accounts would negatively impact our credit score. That's the reality that most couples who meet later in life will face - it's easier to just remain with the status quo.

[Anonymous]

It depends on:
spending/saving habits
Income
Trust
Retirement plans, which is just a subset of the first point.

At this point in my life (47, solid retirement savings and plans to retire at 62), I would keep separate accounts except for a certain amount for monthly miscellaneous spending, like dinners, movies, etc. I’ve worked hard to get where I am and I’m not willing to work past 62.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are late 30s and just got married last year. Had a kid just a couple months ago.

We have separate accounts for everything. We put everything on the joint credit card and we split the bill evenly every month. A typical monthly credit card bill is $4K and paid in full each month. We take turns paying the mortgage each month. When our kid goes into daycare, we will just likely take turns paying that. For example, if DW pays the mortgage in January, I will pay the daycare bill for January. In February, we switch bills. Vacations go on the credit card and are split. Our wedding was put on the credit card and split. We recently bought a car and paid cash - we each wrote a check to the dealership for our half. When we bought the house, we each paid half of the down payment and closing costs from our respective bank accounts.

It helps that we both have the same salary (about $175K each). We plan to make equal annual contributions to our kid's 529 (about $5K each). We both max out our 401Ks ($19K/yr). However, I have a lot more money than DW in the market while her savings account is 5x the size of mine.

I have student loans that I pay each month out of my own bank account. DW is debt-free and thus has significantly more spending money.

I pay for my own activities. For example, I go skiing with buddies a few times per year and I pay for that myself. DW likes to go to spas or Broadway shows with her sister, so she pays for that herself. DW buys a lot of clothes online, so she handles all that thru her personal credit card. We don't monitor each other's ancillary spending.

The joint credit card is the best way to keep separate finances. You can put pretty much every purchase - aside from a house or car - on the credit card and divvy it up at the end of the month.

sounds exhausting to me but i'm glad you guys figured out something that works for you

It's not exhausting. We literally have three bills per month to pay: credit card (divide in half), mortgage, and child care. All the utilities + TV + cell phones are put on the credit card via autopay.

We each have our own retirement portals through work, so it's not like we can manage those jointly. I can't manage her 401K and she can't get access to mine; you literally need to get onto our work networks to gain access.

We toss in money to the 529 once per year in a large lump sum from our personal bank accounts. Easy peasy.

I have money in my own Vanguard IRA that I play with. I have some money in crypto. None of this would change if we decided we would merge bank accounts.

Frankly, so many accounts preexisted this marriage that it would be a huge pain in the ass to close and consolidate them all. We each have active credit card lines that are nearly 20 years old - closing such old accounts would negatively impact our credit score. That's the reality that most couples who meet later in life will face - it's easier to just remain with the status quo.

NP here and you could probably even automate some of this to make it even easier (i.e. billpay for mortgage amount $X every other month and same with daycare). The credit card would probably still have to be manual.

We do something similar to you guys except the joint credit card, mortgage, daycare and 529 contributions come from a joint account that we both contribute certain amounts to periodically but we retain/manage the rest of our earnings in separate accounts. One slight advantage of having separate and joint accounts is that you can automate all the bills (mortgage, daycare, recurring 529 contributions and utility bills which in my area you can't bill to a credit card).

[Anonymous]

We married in our late 30s and have one kid. We never combined finances, and we never fight about money. He handles some of the bills and I handle some of the bills. It works for us.