Getting married in our 40s. How should we combine finances?

[Anonymous]

Judging from this thread, is there any question how and why the institution of marriage is going down the toilet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In our marriage, DH earns all the money and I spend as I please. When we first started dating, we were both in grad school. He still paid for my meals back then. I earned more than DH when we first got married. I paid for our first down payment, most of our wedding and most of all our vacations. Fast forward a decade and I stay home and take care of our children and DH now earns a seven figure income.

I just can’t imagine going Dutch at any income level. Do you make exactly the same? It is unlikely that both parties make exactly the same forever. In our circles, one spouse tends to cut back, not necessarily stay home so income will take a hit.

You sound like an entitled princess who just uses what's between her legs to get what she wants. Some women have intelligence, integrity, and independent spirits. Hopefully you're not teaching your daughters to do the same as you.

PP don't be disgusting just for the shock value. She clearly stated that she handled expenses when she made more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh my gosh, can we skip the alluding to the archaic idea that women are breeders and marriage is for securing the blood line?

People can get married if they want to. Some people can’t have kids or don’t want them. That’s okay.

Next time you decided you are entitled to know why someone doesn’t have kids, STOP and consider that you might be bringing up a distressing topic for them.

Actually marriage is an archaic institution. People would get married for religious reasons, for economic reasons, for perpetuating the blood line.
No one here asked PP why she does not have kids. The question was why get married at all and go through such hassle at the age of 40+. Presumably they are having sex already so the religious reason does not apply, and she has her own money, hence the question about the mingling of funds, so she does not have to marry the guy of his money, and them having kids is not in the picture. She answered she was in love, fair enough reason I suppose, but then inexplicably she got all pissy.

Some of you really don't know what you are talking about. While it may have started out as a religious institution, marriage now is a legal contract. There are over 300 state laws in MD that cover married couples that do not cover unmarried signficant others. There are a handful that are accorded to "common law" marriages, but the vast majority do not. And that is only state. That doesn't cover the federal laws that are binding for marriage.

When you marry, you get shared property rights, medical information and next of kin rights, parental rights and much more. There is a reason that the LGBTQ community worked so hard to get the legal right to marry. Go read stories about gay partners who lost their partner and found that the partner's parents had all rights to medical information, death disposition and even to much of their joint property (even one sad case where the deceased was estranged from his parents but they were still able to come and take "his" possessions out of the couple's joint house and leave the surviving partner out in the cold). When you are married, you even gain more parental rights. For example, if the couple is not married, the mother has full parental rights and the father has none unless a court orders differently. Just one of many legal rights that change whether you are married or not. If you are not married, and your partner is ill, you may find that your partner, despite knowing the most about you and your wishes, will have no legal right to make medical decisions, gain medical information about you, and possibly even have visitation rights without legal paperwork including a living will and medical power of attorney. If you are married, your spouse becomes your next of kin to make such decisions, automatically, and you don't have to file or get notarized signatures on any legal forms or documents to ensure that.

These days, whether or not you intend to have children, if you intend to partner with a person for a long time, you should get married in order to preserve hundreds of rights that are immediately granted to spouses.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s so weird NOT to do joint everything if it’s your first marriage and you don’t have kids.

DH and I met in college, got married during grad school, and officially merged everything. Twenty-five years later, everything is still joint.

Ask yourself why you think you need separate accounts. Honestly, that is likely indicative of an issue that will only get worse with time.

[Anonymous]

Everything in one pot but everyone gets their own 401k, 529, etc. so there's some obvious individual money. Not relevant other than for tracking because we are a team.

[Anonymous]

Transfer most of the money you already have into a separate account before the marriage and don't touch it except for investing. If he makes more than you, have him put half his paycheck in a joint account which you withdraw heavily from. Spend the joint money, not your separate money.

[Anonymous]

Did anyone set up a prenup to protect their non-family-related assets (e.g., businesses or trusts) before marriage when you didn't have kids? (Again, NOT interested in assets tied to your family for which I think prenups definitely make sense!)

For example, if you have a very different perspective on saving in 401ks / retirement accounts, setting up a pre-nup to ensure whatever is accumulated in those specific accounts is not considered joint property post-marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone set up a prenup to protect their non-family-related assets (e.g., businesses or trusts) before marriage when you didn't have kids? (Again, NOT interested in assets tied to your family for which I think prenups definitely make sense!)

For example, if you have a very different perspective on saving in 401ks / retirement accounts, setting up a pre-nup to ensure whatever is accumulated in those specific accounts is not considered joint property post-marriage.

Oh, YES. I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There are no kids. We aren’t going to have them, either.

You are smart!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have been married for over 35 years, and DH and I have always kept out money separate.

We split costs, usually by category. For example, I provided the down payment for the house and he paid the mortgage.

He is free to spend money on things I wouldn't--a fence around the yard is a recent example--and I can spend money on things he wouldn't (private trainer for an adult child with some medical issues).

It helps that we are both generally frugal and that our incomes have been remarkably similar over the years.

I haven’t been married this long but this is how we do it too and it works great for us. We have never felt like any less of a “team.”

I had a friend who did this with her husband and everything worked well for 20 years until he started making a lot more money. I think it works best when the incomes are similar and there are no kids.

Same here. Married 20+ years and separate accounts. Must be a trend now.

Interesting. I do this with my husband. Married in late 30s. He makes much more than me. We have separate accounts for everything - and because we both have a number of accounts, it was a pain to combine everything and now we are used to our arrangement. We split up the bills. It's not hard to do at all. I manage the household finances and we trust each other. We are both, however, on the same page about spending (though he is much more frugal).

The lie is that you have to combine everything, change your name, get your marriage license, etc., all before or right after your wedding ceremony. Live at your own pace and if and when you are ready to combine because combining would be easier than living with separate accounts, then combine. But you don't have to do it right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have been married for over 35 years, and DH and I have always kept out money separate.

We split costs, usually by category. For example, I provided the down payment for the house and he paid the mortgage.

He is free to spend money on things I wouldn't--a fence around the yard is a recent example--and I can spend money on things he wouldn't (private trainer for an adult child with some medical issues).

It helps that we are both generally frugal and that our incomes have been remarkably similar over the years.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow the women above are not the sharpest tools in the shed.

Your marry, he makes it, you spend 99% of it, he gets pocket change for lunch and gas money. You outlive him you get 100% and if divorce happens you take 50% of the pot and out of his 50% pot take alimony and child support. [/quot

DCUM women are smart. They make their own money and like to save/invest. Imagine that? Go back to the 1950s please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. There are no kids. We aren’t going to have them, either.

Then just do joint everything. So much easier.

why marry at all if there will be no kids?

Try to stay on topic. I know it’s hard when you’re trying to be an insufferable a**, but just try.

lol
Can you answer though ? What's the point of getting married if you will have no kids?

The answer is quite simple. We love each other and want to enter into a binding marriage because of that. We can’t live without each other and complete each other’s lives. I’m sorry that you married just for a sperm donor. How sad and pathetic.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s so weird NOT to do joint everything if it’s your first marriage and you don’t have kids.

DH and I met in college, got married during grad school, and officially merged everything. Twenty-five years later, everything is still joint.

Ask yourself why you think you need separate accounts. Honestly, that is likely indicative of an issue that will only get worse with time.

And ask yourself why you still keep joint accounts? Reeks of insecurity and “indicative of an issue that will also get worse over time.” See how that works?