Step Parents and Spending

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SM here. Difference is I work, but DH had two kids that I raised and we had a kid. 1/3 of half goes to each kid and half goes to my bio kid. I’ve been upfront with DH that is what I’ll do if he dies before me. I’m not penalizing my kid for having me as a mom.

This is what I am doing.

[Anonymous]

I think more than anything, he emotional aspect it’s what stings. If I lost my mom, and thought I had unconditional love from my stepmom - and then found out it wasn’t fair? It would hurt. A lot.

It doesn’t mean the SM is wrong, but it is absolutely something that’s insensitive and divisive. And it doesn’t have to be about giving $1000/mo to one child our of your three. It’s giving anything to one child that you don’t give to the other. Parenting 101.

If SM had a vacation but only invited her bio kid, etc - she’s wrong. She would be wrong if she were SM, biomom, grandmom, adoptive mom.

It’s the principle of family inclusion, ESPECIALLY since OP has lost BOTH bio parents before 40. And your Mom is going to start excluding affection, gifts, etc? Again, people have a right to do what they want in this case. But that doesn’t make it morally right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective ...

I am surmising that the stepmom was a SAHM because she essentially took over raising the OP and her brother (who were still children) and then gave birth to a half-sibling two years later. Raising someone else's children is never an easy job and is rarely appreciated. It is especially difficult when it is the mother who has died and another woman comes into the family.

Immediately, most people's thoughts are "evil stepmother" which couldn't be further from the truth in many cases. The fact the OP says she gets along with her stepmom is an indicator that this woman probably did the best she could in caring for two children who had lost their mother. Evidenced because it sounds like the OP and her brother are both living successful lives.

I am probably sure that the OP's father had many heart-to-heart conversations with stepmom about the challenges of being part of a "blended" family. I am also probably sure that as a show of his love and gratitude towards her for 25 years of life together, he wanted SM to live a future life without worry once he was gone. C'mon... she was not some gold-digger who swooped in during the final stages of his life with her claws out for a bag full of cash.

OP doesn't say whether her father was ill for a long time. Did SM care for him during illnesses? So for 25 years she raised two children who were not hers, gave new life to a grieving widower and gave him another son, and watched the love of her life pass away.

Try to put a price tag on that. How much is YOUR life worth - would you do the same?

Aren't you a tad dramatic? OP was a teenager when her father remarried. Not a whole lot of raising left to do. Her stepmother married her mother because of her own heart. Not as an act of charity to OP and her brother. You're making it sound like she grew them from seed, and everything good in their lives they owe to her.

So, she didn't raise two children who weren't hers for 25 years. They were out of the house in a few years after she married their mother. Gave a new life to a grieving widower? He gave her a new one too didn't he. She didn't give HIM a son, she had a child because she wanted to have a child; it's the greatest lie that women have children for men. Our maternal instinct is way stronger than anything men feel. Everyone will watch their spouse die at some point. It doesn't require unemployment.

What do you mean how much your life is worth? No one gave anyone life here, no one saved anyone's life. Enough with the drama.

As to OP's question: I get it. It sucks. However, your father divided the estate as he saw fit. You got yours and your SM got hers. She isn't giving her son YOUR money, she's sharing with him out of her share. It sucks but remember it's her money. She could blow it in Vegas or give it to charity or light her fireplace with it. Yes it sucks but you know what the great thing is? You don't have to like her! She's not family or anything. Leave her to grow old with her son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think more than anything, he emotional aspect it’s what stings. If I lost my mom, and thought I had unconditional love from my stepmom - and then found out it wasn’t fair? It would hurt. A lot.

It doesn’t mean the SM is wrong, but it is absolutely something that’s insensitive and divisive. And it doesn’t have to be about giving $1000/mo to one child our of your three. It’s giving anything to one child that you don’t give to the other. Parenting 101.

If SM had a vacation but only invited her bio kid, etc - she’s wrong. She would be wrong if she were SM, biomom, grandmom, adoptive mom.

It’s the principle of family inclusion, ESPECIALLY since OP has lost BOTH bio parents before 40. And your Mom is going to start excluding affection, gifts, etc? Again, people have a right to do what they want in this case. But that doesn’t make it morally right.

It's a great lie that a woman will give equal affection to her own flesh and blood baby and a girl who was 12 already. No they aren't equal in the stepmother's eyes, what made you think they ever were?

[Anonymous]

I come from a blended family, my brother was 16 years older than me. My Dad adopted him and we were a family for so many years. Recently he's showed a very nasty and greedy side to all of us. My parents very well could have an equal will for us, I don't know. But I wouldn't be surprised if they don't. It doesn't have to do with blood, it has to do with what's going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're father was weak or dumb.

This scenario plays out ALL THE TIME.

Women get the benjamins and pass to their bio kid.

Half a million dollars went to HIS bio kids. That is a lot of money.

Yes and her kid will probably get 5-6x of that "big number." Are you a stepmother?

I don't know why you think that. Stepmom will likely spend her money before she dies, being old is expensive, even more so if you are old and sick.

Op said she didn’t know how much case was left. She said it could be several hundred thousand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s totally wrong, but is often what happens when a man remarries. He trusts the second wife to provide for his kids, but doesn’t actually make a plan for it. So, he died and left everything to her. She will leave you nothing. It’s so common. I’m sorry.

He did not leave everything to her! He left her stepkids, his bio kids, half a million dollars!

[Anonymous]

I would have done the same if I knew my SD wasn’t exactly hurting for money.
I wouldn’t take everything, but 250k is enough, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Op you got a LOT of money. He was married to your stepmom for a long time and left her the bulk of his estate. How she spends HER portion isn’t your business.

[Anonymous]

Op refuses to answer the questions about how much help she got when her dad was alive. If he was liquid enough to leave $750k cash to his kids at his death, no doubt he helped OP with college, wedding, houses, possibly even set up funds for her kids. This kid lost his dad in his early 20s and didn’t get that so his mom is stepping up with her SHARE of the money to provide the help she knows dad would have had he been alive.

You’re selfish OP. You likely got a ton of help when he was alive AND you had 15 more years with your dad. Quit being so damn selfish over money *when you received $250k especially*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're father was weak or dumb.

This scenario plays out ALL THE TIME.

Women get the benjamins and pass to their bio kid.

Half a million dollars went to HIS bio kids. That is a lot of money.

Yes and her kid will probably get 5-6x of that "big number." Are you a stepmother?

I don't know why you think that. Stepmom will likely spend her money before she dies, being old is expensive, even more so if you are old and sick.

Op said she didn’t know how much case was left. She said it could be several hundred thousand.

Do you have any idea how much medical care / in home nursing etc.runs? You can blow through that pretty quickly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most married couples write their wills so that everything goes to the other spouse, and then whatever is left after both deaths does to their kids. I don't get anything from any of my parents' wills until both of my parents are dead. Op's dad seems to have decided how much he wanted both of his biological kids to get from his estate and left them that.

Get over it, OP.

+1

[Anonymous]

I know it stings, but it’s not your money, OP. He left it to her. You received your inheritance.

You can choose to let this destroy your relationship with your SM and half-brother, or let it go. I recommend the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's another perspective ...

I am surmising that the stepmom was a SAHM because she essentially took over raising the OP and her brother (who were still children) and then gave birth to a half-sibling two years later. Raising someone else's children is never an easy job and is rarely appreciated. It is especially difficult when it is the mother who has died and another woman comes into the family.

Immediately, most people's thoughts are "evil stepmother" which couldn't be further from the truth in many cases. The fact the OP says she gets along with her stepmom is an indicator that this woman probably did the best she could in caring for two children who had lost their mother. Evidenced because it sounds like the OP and her brother are both living successful lives.

I am probably sure that the OP's father had many heart-to-heart conversations with stepmom about the challenges of being part of a "blended" family. I am also probably sure that as a show of his love and gratitude towards her for 25 years of life together, he wanted SM to live a future life without worry once he was gone. C'mon... she was not some gold-digger who swooped in during the final stages of his life with her claws out for a bag full of cash.

OP doesn't say whether her father was ill for a long time. Did SM care for him during illnesses? So for 25 years she raised two children who were not hers, gave new life to a grieving widower and gave him another son, and watched the love of her life pass away.

Try to put a price tag on that. How much is YOUR life worth - would you do the same?

Aren't you a tad dramatic? OP was a teenager when her father remarried. Not a whole lot of raising left to do. Her stepmother married her mother because of her own heart. Not as an act of charity to OP and her brother. You're making it sound like she grew them from seed, and everything good in their lives they owe to her.

So, she didn't raise two children who weren't hers for 25 years. They were out of the house in a few years after she married their mother. Gave a new life to a grieving widower? He gave her a new one too didn't he. She didn't give HIM a son, she had a child because she wanted to have a child; it's the greatest lie that women have children for men. Our maternal instinct is way stronger than anything men feel. Everyone will watch their spouse die at some point. It doesn't require unemployment.

What do you mean how much your life is worth? No one gave anyone life here, no one saved anyone's life. Enough with the drama.

As to OP's question: I get it. It sucks. However, your father divided the estate as he saw fit. You got yours and your SM got hers. She isn't giving her son YOUR money, she's sharing with him out of her share. It sucks but remember it's her money. She could blow it in Vegas or give it to charity or light her fireplace with it. Yes it sucks but you know what the great thing is? You don't have to like her! She's not family or anything. Leave her to grow old with her son.

Actually, the OP stated her remarried when she was 12 and that she had a younger sibling, so the stepmom had responsibilities for the 2 kids for more than just a few teen years.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why the OP assumes that her brother is receiving these gifts because he is a blood relative. In my family, and in lots of threads I have seen on this site, a parent may privately choose to give money to one sibling and not others. Who knows why she gave money to the youngest child and not to the others? Maybe the child asked for it? Maybe she felt she was making up for money the dead and gave us support for the other kids when they were younger? Maybe lots of things happened. But to assume that someone you have known since childhood is specifically doing something out of preference for another child is quite troublesome. I would suggest that the OP just talk with her stepmom and ask. Not ask for money, not say that it is unfair and she is complaining. Just ask and let the parents know she’s feeling hurt and wants to understand.