Neighbor girl comes over everyday to play, every day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG...this post breaks my heart. I feel so sorry for the little girl.

+1

When I was 6...we all played with friends every day. Inside. Outside. No weird rules on playing with different aged siblings after school on a weekday.

When I was 6, I was not allowed to have friends over on weekdays. We lived in a small home and I had working parents who wanted peace and quiet at the end of the day. We played outside and they would not have been ok hosting someone else's child indefinitely on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Umm...just say no when it's not convenient. Sure, it's a little annoying but if you can't say no to a six year old then, well, I just don't know.

Our neighborhood is pretty open. If kids are free, they're ringing our doorbell or visa versa. If the timing isn't good, I send them away or my neighbors send my kids away. No one is offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

This is how I grew up too. We played together almost every day, outside or inside. I am surprised both the older and younger daughters don’t have their own groups of neighborhood friends to play with it. Afterward, everyone would go home for dinner and homework. Plenty of time for sibling bonding otherwise. It’s hard for me to understand why this is a problem. I guess I’m not ready for modern parenting — it feels like micromanaging your child’s free time and relationships to me.

In this case OP is trying to protect her kids' and family's time from a daily interruption. Play dates are great. Daily uninvited, expected arrivals are not play dates. Not sure why so many PPs think this situation is somehow just fine.

We think it’s fine because by the time we were 6, we were making and accepting our own plans/play dates with neighbor children. My parents would only need to set up a play date with someone that lived outside of walking distance and so an adult needed to drive. It was also just expected we would play together everyday, unless someone had a music lesson or sports practice or something. There was no need for an “invite” or adult involvement at all. You’d get off the bus together, get a snack together or separately, and then meet up again as planned. If a kid came to the door, mom would shout “so and so is here to see you,” and you could decide for yourself if you wanted to play with that person that day. The mere idea that parents need to “protect” and plan their child’s time immediately after school is strange to me. There was plenty of time for dinner and homework after free play time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

This is how I grew up too. We played together almost every day, outside or inside. I am surprised both the older and younger daughters don’t have their own groups of neighborhood friends to play with it. Afterward, everyone would go home for dinner and homework. Plenty of time for sibling bonding otherwise. It’s hard for me to understand why this is a problem. I guess I’m not ready for modern parenting — it feels like micromanaging your child’s free time and relationships to me.

In this case OP is trying to protect her kids' and family's time from a daily interruption. Play dates are great. Daily uninvited, expected arrivals are not play dates. Not sure why so many PPs think this situation is somehow just fine.

We think it’s fine because by the time we were 6, we were making and accepting our own plans/play dates with neighbor children. My parents would only need to set up a play date with someone that lived outside of walking distance and so an adult needed to drive. It was also just expected we would play together everyday, unless someone had a music lesson or sports practice or something. There was no need for an “invite” or adult involvement at all. You’d get off the bus together, get a snack together or separately, and then meet up again as planned. If a kid came to the door, mom would shout “so and so is here to see you,” and you could decide for yourself if you wanted to play with that person that day. The mere idea that parents need to “protect” and plan their child’s time immediately after school is strange to me. There was plenty of time for dinner and homework after free play time.

But you do get that OP's specific situation is not like what you did as a child--right?

If she/her kids are not able to play that day, this child cries on their porch. And there's an obvious expectation by both the girl and her parents that she can go to OP's daily and...cry if she is told "no."

That's what I meant by OP wanting to protect some of her family time from this other family that is clueless about boundaries. It's great that you could say yes or no to playing when you wanted as a kid, but that's not what's going on with OP's situation. She needs to say no and in this case she needs to involve the other parents. Great that by six you were arranging your play time but that doesn't work for OP and it's fine if it doesn't.

And it's not universal that "it was just expected that we would play together every day," then or now. That was your experience but is not what's going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

This is how I grew up too. We played together almost every day, outside or inside. I am surprised both the older and younger daughters don’t have their own groups of neighborhood friends to play with it. Afterward, everyone would go home for dinner and homework. Plenty of time for sibling bonding otherwise. It’s hard for me to understand why this is a problem. I guess I’m not ready for modern parenting — it feels like micromanaging your child’s free time and relationships to me.

In this case OP is trying to protect her kids' and family's time from a daily interruption. Play dates are great. Daily uninvited, expected arrivals are not play dates. Not sure why so many PPs think this situation is somehow just fine.

We think it’s fine because by the time we were 6, we were making and accepting our own plans/play dates with neighbor children. My parents would only need to set up a play date with someone that lived outside of walking distance and so an adult needed to drive. It was also just expected we would play together everyday, unless someone had a music lesson or sports practice or something. There was no need for an “invite” or adult involvement at all. You’d get off the bus together, get a snack together or separately, and then meet up again as planned. If a kid came to the door, mom would shout “so and so is here to see you,” and you could decide for yourself if you wanted to play with that person that day. The mere idea that parents need to “protect” and plan their child’s time immediately after school is strange to me. There was plenty of time for dinner and homework after free play time.

But you do get that OP's specific situation is not like what you did as a child--right?

If she/her kids are not able to play that day, this child cries on their porch. And there's an obvious expectation by both the girl and her parents that she can go to OP's daily and...cry if she is told "no."

That's what I meant by OP wanting to protect some of her family time from this other family that is clueless about boundaries. It's great that you could say yes or no to playing when you wanted as a kid, but that's not what's going on with OP's situation. She needs to say no and in this case she needs to involve the other parents. Great that by six you were arranging your play time but that doesn't work for OP and it's fine if it doesn't.

And it's not universal that "it was just expected that we would play together every day," then or now. That was your experience but is not what's going on here.

At least where I and I think other posters are pushing back is the idea that kids playing everyday together after school without planned play dates is somehow “abnormal” — so much so that multiple posters have said OP should report the situation to child protective services. In our experience, a kid coming by to play is not a sign of abuse. It’s simply a sign of a normal childhood where we come from.

For me, it’s also confusing that OP expects the neighbor kid’s mom to proactively tell her kid that she can only go knock on the neighbors’ door a certain number of times a week, without any further instructions about how often and what days. For many of us, a kid spontaneously asking or expecting to play with a friend after school is “just fine.”

If your post had specifically said that the behavior you mean is not “just fine” is the crying, then I doubt you’d get much pushback. I think the crying would probably be solved if neighbor girl understood the rules, which is impossible right now because it’s arbitrary. It seems like OP wants her kids to spend less time with neighbor kid, and isn’t being clear. There’s no indication that OP’s kids want less time with neighbor kid, so that’s probably even more confusing and upsetting to the kid. If OP is clear that her kids can only play on specific days of the week, I think neighbor kid will get it and adapt and stop crying. She’ll understand it’s not that her friends don’t like her, it’s that her friends’ mom has different rules about playtime.

It’s totally fine for OP to have different rules about playing after school. But there will be many of us who think it is just fine to play everyday after school and to let our kids knock on a neighbor’s door until we are told by said neighbor that practice is unacceptable. So I think she’ll have to find a solution that takes into account these differences in opinion — in other words, she can’t expect neighbor kid’s mom to just understand there’s a problem here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't commit to days. I would tell her "They can't play today, go home Larla."

We had very similar situation while our kid is simply busy with other extracurricular done at home. Unfortunately, I had to say to the sweet Neighbour boy,
Our rule is no play date when it is a school-day, because we have too much h/w to do! Welcome to come back on the weekend.

[Anonymous]

You're going to need to be strict about it.

"Larla, we have a new rule in the house. The girls are only allowed to play with neighborhood kids on Mondays. They are busy with other things on the other days. You can stay today even though it's Wednesday but won't be able to play here again until next week. Here's a note to your parents, please give it to them when you go home today otherwise I'll need to go over and talk to them."

OP shouldn't need to go to the trouble of answering her door and explaining no to the girl every day. Parenting the child is the parents' job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG...this post breaks my heart. I feel so sorry for the little girl.

I feel sorry for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

This is how I grew up too. We played together almost every day, outside or inside. I am surprised both the older and younger daughters don’t have their own groups of neighborhood friends to play with it. Afterward, everyone would go home for dinner and homework. Plenty of time for sibling bonding otherwise. It’s hard for me to understand why this is a problem. I guess I’m not ready for modern parenting — it feels like micromanaging your child’s free time and relationships to me.

In this case OP is trying to protect her kids' and family's time from a daily interruption. Play dates are great. Daily uninvited, expected arrivals are not play dates. Not sure why so many PPs think this situation is somehow just fine.

We think it’s fine because by the time we were 6, we were making and accepting our own plans/play dates with neighbor children. My parents would only need to set up a play date with someone that lived outside of walking distance and so an adult needed to drive. It was also just expected we would play together everyday, unless someone had a music lesson or sports practice or something. There was no need for an “invite” or adult involvement at all. You’d get off the bus together, get a snack together or separately, and then meet up again as planned. If a kid came to the door, mom would shout “so and so is here to see you,” and you could decide for yourself if you wanted to play with that person that day. The mere idea that parents need to “protect” and plan their child’s time immediately after school is strange to me. There was plenty of time for dinner and homework after free play time.

But you do get that OP's specific situation is not like what you did as a child--right?

If she/her kids are not able to play that day, this child cries on their porch. And there's an obvious expectation by both the girl and her parents that she can go to OP's daily and...cry if she is told "no."

That's what I meant by OP wanting to protect some of her family time from this other family that is clueless about boundaries. It's great that you could say yes or no to playing when you wanted as a kid, but that's not what's going on with OP's situation. She needs to say no and in this case she needs to involve the other parents. Great that by six you were arranging your play time but that doesn't work for OP and it's fine if it doesn't.

And it's not universal that "it was just expected that we would play together every day," then or now. That was your experience but is not what's going on here.

At least where I and I think other posters are pushing back is the idea that kids playing everyday together after school without planned play dates is somehow “abnormal” — so much so that multiple posters have said OP should report the situation to child protective services. In our experience, a kid coming by to play is not a sign of abuse. It’s simply a sign of a normal childhood where we come from.

For me, it’s also confusing that OP expects the neighbor kid’s mom to proactively tell her kid that she can only go knock on the neighbors’ door a certain number of times a week, without any further instructions about how often and what days. For many of us, a kid spontaneously asking or expecting to play with a friend after school is “just fine.”

If your post had specifically said that the behavior you mean is not “just fine” is the crying, then I doubt you’d get much pushback. I think the crying would probably be solved if neighbor girl understood the rules, which is impossible right now because it’s arbitrary. It seems like OP wants her kids to spend less time with neighbor kid, and isn’t being clear. There’s no indication that OP’s kids want less time with neighbor kid, so that’s probably even more confusing and upsetting to the kid. If OP is clear that her kids can only play on specific days of the week, I think neighbor kid will get it and adapt and stop crying. She’ll understand it’s not that her friends don’t like her, it’s that her friends’ mom has different rules about playtime.

It’s totally fine for OP to have different rules about playing after school. But there will be many of us who think it is just fine to play everyday after school and to let our kids knock on a neighbor’s door until we are told by said neighbor that practice is unacceptable. So I think she’ll have to find a solution that takes into account these differences in opinion — in other words, she can’t expect neighbor kid’s mom to just understand there’s a problem here.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell the mom to text you before the kid comes over, to find out whether it’s a good time or not. The burden of dealing with her disappointment should fall on her mom, not on you. Be more direct with the mom. You can say you’re happy to host her sometimes but not to have her show up at your door unannounced.

100% this. Tell parents that their daughter may not come over unannounced and uninvited any longer. Now that school is in full swing you cannot host impromptu play dates. Be honest that the child’s response to being told no creates additional stress.

[Anonymous]

At least where I and I think other posters are pushing back is the idea that kids playing everyday together after school without planned play dates is somehow “abnormal” — so much so that multiple posters have said OP should report the situation to child protective services. In our experience, a kid coming by to play is not a sign of abuse. It’s simply a sign of a normal childhood where we come from.

For me, it’s also confusing that OP expects the neighbor kid’s mom to proactively tell her kid that she can only go knock on the neighbors’ door a certain number of times a week, without any further instructions about how often and what days. For many of us, a kid spontaneously asking or expecting to play with a friend after school is “just fine.”

If your post had specifically said that the behavior you mean is not “just fine” is the crying, then I doubt you’d get much pushback. I think the crying would probably be solved if neighbor girl understood the rules, which is impossible right now because it’s arbitrary. It seems like OP wants her kids to spend less time with neighbor kid, and isn’t being clear. There’s no indication that OP’s kids want less time with neighbor kid, so that’s probably even more confusing and upsetting to the kid. If OP is clear that her kids can only play on specific days of the week, I think neighbor kid will get it and adapt and stop crying. She’ll understand it’s not that her friends don’t like her, it’s that her friends’ mom has different rules about playtime.

It’s totally fine for OP to have different rules about playing after school. But there will be many of us who think it is just fine to play everyday after school and to let our kids knock on a neighbor’s door until we are told by said neighbor that practice is unacceptable. So I think she’ll have to find a solution that takes into account these differences in opinion — in other words, she can’t expect neighbor kid’s mom to just understand there’s a problem here.

I think that people are bring up CPS only because the girl who is coming over every day sits on the porch and cries if the kids cannot play. People are seeing that crying on the porch as a sign that something is wrong with the neighbors home and the girl does not want to go home. It is possible that the girl is crying because she really wants to play or she is crying because she is trying to avoid something nasty that is happening at home.

It is not really up to the OP to understand what is happening at the other girls house but she might be coming over to escape boredom or a sister who is really mean to her or parents who are some how abusive.

My Aunt had an open door policy for the kids in her neighborhood. There was a family with a single Mom whose husband died when her kids were young. The Mom was working and overwhelmed. My Aunts home became a second home for her kids who were able to use that support and friendship to help find their way as adults. The kids became family and the two families are very close.

My Aunt had no problem allowing the regular play and kids being over, that was her choice. She also saw that there was a reason for the kids being there and saw that by being available she could help two kids who needed a bit more structure and love. It created a life long friendship.

If the OP wants to have a bit more structure then she needs to talk to the other girls family in order to establish some form of communication so that the child understands the boundaries. It is fine to do that but to expect a young child to understand that is a bit of a reach. The OP needs to talk to the parents. Maybe in the process she'll figure out what is driving the girl to come by and be sad when there is no time to play. But it sounds to me that the girl might need a refuge of sorts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the posters who are feeling sorry for this girl. This is exactly what we did as kids. We went outside and then went to see if the neighbors could play. It wasn't parents sending us over it was just us looking for playmates. OP, you should be more clear. If you say it's snacktime, then of course she will wait until after snacktime. Tell her "not today, but you can come back on thursday." If she cries, call her parents.

When we were kids, we all left out houses and played. Some kids couldn't come out. Others could. Some kids go into fights, others played well. It was called autonomy and social interaction and it is very much needed in our kids these days, and parents are just WAAAAY overprotective and over-involved in their kid's lives. It is very scary to see threads like this and people saying to call services or text the parents? Get the F out of here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the posters who are feeling sorry for this girl. This is exactly what we did as kids. We went outside and then went to see if the neighbors could play. It wasn't parents sending us over it was just us looking for playmates. OP, you should be more clear. If you say it's snacktime, then of course she will wait until after snacktime. Tell her "not today, but you can come back on thursday." If she cries, call her parents.

When we were kids, we all left out houses and played. Some kids couldn't come out. Others could. Some kids go into fights, others played well. It was called autonomy and social interaction and it is very much needed in our kids these days, and parents are just WAAAAY overprotective and over-involved in their kid's lives. It is very scary to see threads like this and people saying to call services or text the parents? Get the F out of here.

When Mommy and Daddy pay for a million activities, the kids are not around to just play. They are in adult-led activities with paid-for-friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't commit to days. I would tell her "They can't play today, go home Larla."

[Anonymous]

My kids play with the neighbors everyday. When they were younger I would get annoyed. I wasnt annoyed with them playing but with the supervision required. I don't see kids asking to play daily as a big deal or abnormal.