Neighbor girl comes over everyday to play, every day

[Anonymous]

We have a neighbor friend that comes over most days. The little girl came from another country where she lived in an apartment and the kids were allowed to free roam to each others apartments. This little girls is pretty independent and very extroverted. It's been good for my DD who is somewhat shy and an only child. It's also made me manage my after school time better with my DD. My DD rarely goes to this little girl's house (the parents are working usually and the girl has a much older sister that watches her, the Dad doesn't like for the girl to have friends over). Sometimes we do say "no" and the little girl stomps off or yells, but as she has gotten older she is much better about it.

[Anonymous]

I worry that my girls are this kid. They and their neighborhood friends much prefer to play at their friends’ houses because their little brother annoys them when they play here. Also friends have a trampoline and fewer screentime rules.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

This is how I grew up too. We played together almost every day, outside or inside. I am surprised both the older and younger daughters don’t have their own groups of neighborhood friends to play with it. Afterward, everyone would go home for dinner and homework. Plenty of time for sibling bonding otherwise. It’s hard for me to understand why this is a problem. I guess I’m not ready for modern parenting — it feels like micromanaging your child’s free time and relationships to me.

In this case OP is trying to protect her kids' and family's time from a daily interruption. Play dates are great. Daily uninvited, expected arrivals are not play dates. Not sure why so many PPs think this situation is somehow just fine.

We think it’s fine because by the time we were 6, we were making and accepting our own plans/play dates with neighbor children. My parents would only need to set up a play date with someone that lived outside of walking distance and so an adult needed to drive. It was also just expected we would play together everyday, unless someone had a music lesson or sports practice or something. There was no need for an “invite” or adult involvement at all. You’d get off the bus together, get a snack together or separately, and then meet up again as planned. If a kid came to the door, mom would shout “so and so is here to see you,” and you could decide for yourself if you wanted to play with that person that day. The mere idea that parents need to “protect” and plan their child’s time immediately after school is strange to me. There was plenty of time for dinner and homework after free play time.

But you do get that OP's specific situation is not like what you did as a child--right?

If she/her kids are not able to play that day, this child cries on their porch. And there's an obvious expectation by both the girl and her parents that she can go to OP's daily and...cry if she is told "no."

That's what I meant by OP wanting to protect some of her family time from this other family that is clueless about boundaries. It's great that you could say yes or no to playing when you wanted as a kid, but that's not what's going on with OP's situation. She needs to say no and in this case she needs to involve the other parents. Great that by six you were arranging your play time but that doesn't work for OP and it's fine if it doesn't.

And it's not universal that "it was just expected that we would play together every day," then or now. That was your experience but is not what's going on here.

At least where I and I think other posters are pushing back is the idea that kids playing everyday together after school without planned play dates is somehow “abnormal” — so much so that multiple posters have said OP should report the situation to child protective services. In our experience, a kid coming by to play is not a sign of abuse. It’s simply a sign of a normal childhood where we come from.

For me, it’s also confusing that OP expects the neighbor kid’s mom to proactively tell her kid that she can only go knock on the neighbors’ door a certain number of times a week, without any further instructions about how often and what days. For many of us, a kid spontaneously asking or expecting to play with a friend after school is “just fine.”

If your post had specifically said that the behavior you mean is not “just fine” is the crying, then I doubt you’d get much pushback. I think the crying would probably be solved if neighbor girl understood the rules, which is impossible right now because it’s arbitrary. It seems like OP wants her kids to spend less time with neighbor kid, and isn’t being clear. There’s no indication that OP’s kids want less time with neighbor kid, so that’s probably even more confusing and upsetting to the kid. If OP is clear that her kids can only play on specific days of the week, I think neighbor kid will get it and adapt and stop crying. She’ll understand it’s not that her friends don’t like her, it’s that her friends’ mom has different rules about playtime.

It’s totally fine for OP to have different rules about playing after school. But there will be many of us who think it is just fine to play everyday after school and to let our kids knock on a neighbor’s door until we are told by said neighbor that practice is unacceptable. So I think she’ll have to find a solution that takes into account these differences in opinion — in other words, she can’t expect neighbor kid’s mom to just understand there’s a problem here.

Maybe OP wants less time with the neighbor girl. It is very taxing to be on your guard supervising young children, not your own, every single day for hours. You begin to resent the parents and get super annoyed. Especially if you WFH and are still on the clock. Set clear boundaries, say no when you want to. And call the parents if she is crying on your stoop. Don’t walk her home and leave your kids unattended.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the girl, but you should tell her and her mother that your daughters skyp with their french tutor [fill in the blank activity] on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.

[Anonymous]

Be willing to be strict. Know what you want and speak it. It's actually kinder than harboring resentment. Besides, you're the adult, you ought to be able to express yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the girl, but you should tell her and her mother that your daughters skyp with their french tutor [fill in the blank activity] on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons.

Silly to lie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't commit to days. I would tell her "They can't play today, go home Larla."

This. If she cries on your porch, text the parents and say “we can’t do a playdate today and Larla is upset and crying on my porch. You might want to come collect her”.

Do this multiple times a week and she’ll start coming less. But I’d definitely text the parents when you say no. They need to stop her from even coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be willing to be strict. Know what you want and speak it. It's actually kinder than harboring resentment. Besides, you're the adult, you ought to be able to express yourself.

I bet this has resolved in the 5 years since being posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a neighbor girl that cane over every day at that age. She’s 9 now and it is much less frequent. If it wasn’t convenient I would just say in a very friendly voice “it’s nkt a good time now so you’ll have to go home. But we’ll see you again another day! Some kids take longer to learn those social rules.
I really would not discourage it that much. There will come a day when you might be thrilled to have that kind of easy relationship. Girls relationships get tough starting around 3rd/4th grade and a neighbor that goes to a different school can be so helpful. I also don’t see why having the girl over is going to decrease the bonding between your own girls, but maybe I’m just obtuse on that one.

I would try to get to know the parents better, though. On our street, all the adults know each other pretty well and we’re all borrowing bandaids and sugar and such. I would also be concerned about the crying on your stoop. That’s the only part of your post that strikes me as off.

+1 You don't need to feel guilty about saying no, OP. I think if you were more okay with saying no, you wouldn't be so bothered by her actions, which are pretty commonplace. She'd be thrilled in our neighborhood were all the kids do this. It is pretty standard for a kid to want to play every day. The problem for you is that your daughters seem to be her only playmates and you don't want play dates every day (which is understandable and totally fine).

I think OP is getting something out of this too (a playmate for her kids), which is why there is some ambivalence coming from her post. It’s more like “I am benefiting in x ways, but I also feel taken advantage of”. This is why she won’t flat-out make the child stay home on set days, because her daughters probably like playing with this girl. We have a kid who always comes to our house and whose parent never, ever reciprocates. It’s rude and annoying, but I’ve decided to remove the rudeness from the equation - if all things were equitable, do I like the kid? Is he giving my children friendship and laughter? Then the cost is what it is: hosting play dates until we don’t want to anymore.

[Anonymous]

Agree this is unlikely to last and think it's great to have family friends. If that day is not a good day, just say today doesn't work and we will see you another day like another poster said.

My nieces have an only whose yard touches their back yard and he comes over all the time. I am one of five and we had a girl in the neighborhood three houses down who was same age as our middle. We would go back and forth between the yards - so much fun! She would look in our porch windows when we couldn't play lol. Glad my mom didn't object to that friendship