Neighbor girl comes over everyday to play, every day

[Anonymous]

^
With a six year old, you need to talk to the parent. I have a six year old, she wouldn't understand this change in dynamic especially after she has spent the WHOLE YEAR playing with your kids every single day. Be gentle OP, don't make any immediate drastic changes, but do try to limit it over time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^I suppose you are right, but my heart breaks for the girl.

^All the more resin to report, no?

This time the girl stumbled upon a nice family that simply doesn’t have the bandwidth to take care of another child daily. What if the next family she comes upon isn’t so nice?

DP. I totally disagree that this is CPS-worthy at all, based on OP's description which is pretty detailed; however, the girl's parents do seem incredibly naïve (besides being cluelessly rude to OP without even realizing it). I think they just assume that if DD's not in their house, she's at OP's house every day. One day OP isn't going to be home or won't let her in to play. She won't cry on the porch forever. Is she going to wander off to some other house? Down to the park? To that creek that runs behind the houses? (A real thing in our neighborhood, and dangerous to younger kids.)

Go ahead, free rangers, say that it's statistically almost impossible that she'd be pulled inside by some nefarious neighbor or picked up by a creeper in a car. Of course that's highly unlikely; I know that. But the fact her parents seem not to know where she is so much of the time, and don't seem to have even a "text once she gets there" relationship with OP, is just so stupid of them.

As a work at home parent, I find these parents' behavior an example of what not to do. Don't expect that someone else is delighted to have your child appear to play while you're working at home. Don't use "let kids be kids and play freely!" as an excuse not to get adequate child care for your child, just because you work inside your home. The OP said the girl seems to be in some kind of care some days but clearly it's not enough. The work at home dad needs to act like he really IS at work and get the girl adequate everyday care. Yes, OP knows the mom apparently isn't working outside the home right now but no one should assume, as some PPs have, that the mom is therefore automatically doing nothing at all. If she's doing something else, she needs to get care or arrange play dates she knows about, rather than sending DD out to others' homes unannounced.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the best course is to be FIRM when you don't want her to come over, and if she acts up that march her (nicely) back to her house and talk to her parents. I like the flag system that PP noted, although it's a little overbearing. It sounds like you don't want her coming over to ask everyday, but if she doesn't she won't know whether it's okay or not. Either she comes over every day and you have to be able to enforce yes or no, or you need a more stringent rule like only on certain days.

[Anonymous]

Here's a question; sorry of I misse dthe answer earlier: How do your daughters feel about this? Are they sick of the constant drop-bys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 girls, 6 and 9. Little girl next door is 6. She is literally over at my house everyday. Her parents don't ask. Girl just comes over as soon as my kids get off the bus (she goes to private school and is home before my kids). Sometimes I'll tell her my kids need some time to eat a snack and maybe they can play later. The girl will then just sit on my front porch and wait till snack time is over so she can come in my house. Parents never come over to take her home. This has been going on for almost a year. I've definitely mentioned to the girl that we can't have play dates everyday. Doesn't help. I occasionally tell her no when she comes to the door. She then starts crying and will just stand on my front porch and she'll eventually leave. A year ago, I mentioned to the mom that I don't like play dates everyday and I was struggling to find a balance between play dates and down time or family time. She really didn't have a response at the time. I didn't want to strictly set rules like only certain days a week at certain times. I guess I just wish that the parents would step up and limit the time she comes over to my house. She's kinda like an only child. She has a 16 year old sister that lives at home. She's not a bad kid but I want my girls to have their own time together. To continue to bond as sisters. I want family time. It's to the point that I'm constantly looking out the window to see if their car is home because I know it means she'll be knocking on my door soon.

My girls rarely go to their house. Maybe a couple times a month. I asked my girls what they do at the girls house. They told me the parents usually tell them to play outside. My girls are energetic so I understand ?

I'm thinking about telling the girl that we can only play 2 days a week. Any random 2 days a week. They can be different days each week. Is this a fair idea? I don't know why this is so complicated for me. I just believe that you shouldn't do anything excessively and this is excessive.

Dp Something feels off with this situation. A child with a happy home life does not come over everyday. I agree it can be annoying but, perhaps you can treat her as your kid ie tell her she can come over but, has to help clean up the house or do her homework when your kids are doing their homework. I feel for this little girl because it is so obvious that she needs a mother figure and better family life. I feel for her even though I get it is a lot to ask.

[Anonymous]

My kid has a happy home life and would love to play at the neighbors house every day. We don’t because it’s not convenient, but she’s happy to be told “Jane can’t play today” and will come home and find something to do. Jane rings our bell asking for my kid, too, btw. If you say “we can’t play today, have fun!” And close the door, what happens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a neighbor girl that cane over every day at that age. She’s 9 now and it is much less frequent. If it wasn’t convenient I would just say in a very friendly voice “it’s nkt a good time now so you’ll have to go home. But we’ll see you again another day! Some kids take longer to learn those social rules.
I really would not discourage it that much. There will come a day when you might be thrilled to have that kind of easy relationship. Girls relationships get tough starting around 3rd/4th grade and a neighbor that goes to a different school can be so helpful. I also don’t see why having the girl over is going to decrease the bonding between your own girls, but maybe I’m just obtuse on that one.

I would try to get to know the parents better, though. On our street, all the adults know each other pretty well and we’re all borrowing bandaids and sugar and such. I would also be concerned about the crying on your stoop. That’s the only part of your post that strikes me as off.

+1 You don't need to feel guilty about saying no, OP. I think if you were more okay with saying no, you wouldn't be so bothered by her actions, which are pretty commonplace. She'd be thrilled in our neighborhood were all the kids do this. It is pretty standard for a kid to want to play every day. The problem for you is that your daughters seem to be her only playmates and you don't want play dates every day (which is understandable and totally fine).

[Anonymous]

Growing up we had a neighbor (only child) that basically lived with us. She might play with kids or do her homework or make a snack. We lover her and it. Sorry you haven’t found that possible with this girl - it would save you a lot of grief if you could just like her.

[Anonymous]

You have to be firm with the parents on what your limits are. My 5yr old asks me every day of its a school day or a weekend. I don’t think a 6yr old can do the mental math to determine if she has exceeded the random number of days or hours you deem acceptable in any given week. I assume it changes from week to week. Maybe just have a set window when she is welcome and then “Larla it’s 5pm, you need to go home so we can do homework and dinner”

Just shoo her out every day at the same time - and talk to the parents about her crying on your porch. Maybe 6 is light years more mature than my 5 yr old, but it seems like you are asking a young child to understand social norms and nuance way beyond what she is capable of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up we had a neighbor (only child) that basically lived with us. She might play with kids or do her homework or make a snack. We lover her and it. Sorry you haven’t found that possible with this girl - it would save you a lot of grief if you could just like her.

Sorry you felt you could judge OP. Seriously, PP? I'm sure your family was saintly in taking in that child but that does not make OP wrong for refusing to do so. OP does not dislike the girl--read the post. What she dislikes is the girl coming unannounced EVERY day. OP has every right to time with her own children without the girl there--yes, even on weekdays after school if that's what works for her and her kids. The girl is not a waif or stray; she's a kid with fully functioning parents who are, intentionally or not, using OP for daily babysitting by just blithely assuming their kid is at OP's house and it's all good.

OP: Ignore these posters trying to guilt-trip you. You are totally right to want and expect that guests are guests, not family members you should "adopt." A lot of posters seem convinced she's some neglected child who needs you to be mom. Not at all what you describe.

And the posters talking about letting kids come over every day must have young children because families with kids who have after-school activities and real homework do not have time for this level of daily after school drop-ins.

[Anonymous]

We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Growing up we had a neighbor (only child) that basically lived with us. She might play with kids or do her homework or make a snack. We lover her and it. Sorry you haven’t found that possible with this girl - it would save you a lot of grief if you could just like her.

What would save everyone a lot of grief is if the child's parents would supervise their own kid, instead of her roaming around alone bothering other families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

This is how I grew up too. We played together almost every day, outside or inside. I am surprised both the older and younger daughters don’t have their own groups of neighborhood friends to play with it. Afterward, everyone would go home for dinner and homework. Plenty of time for sibling bonding otherwise. It’s hard for me to understand why this is a problem. I guess I’m not ready for modern parenting — it feels like micromanaging your child’s free time and relationships to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a townhouse complex with a lot of similar-aged kids going to the same public school. The kids like to play outside (bike around the cul de sac, play basketball, jump rope, dig dirt, etc.) for hours after school and in the weekends.
OP, do your kids like to play with this girl? Let them play outside but set a boundary that once your kids are back in the house, then playdate is over.

This is how I grew up too. We played together almost every day, outside or inside. I am surprised both the older and younger daughters don’t have their own groups of neighborhood friends to play with it. Afterward, everyone would go home for dinner and homework. Plenty of time for sibling bonding otherwise. It’s hard for me to understand why this is a problem. I guess I’m not ready for modern parenting — it feels like micromanaging your child’s free time and relationships to me.

In this case OP is trying to protect her kids' and family's time from a daily interruption. Play dates are great. Daily uninvited, expected arrivals are not play dates. Not sure why so many PPs think this situation is somehow just fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG...this post breaks my heart. I feel so sorry for the little girl.

+1

When I was 6...we all played with friends every day. Inside. Outside. No weird rules on playing with different aged siblings after school on a weekday.