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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We are currently caring for my elderly inlaws. It's been about 5 years since caring for my parents...which was all consuming  while we were still working but had just become empty nesters. They passed  away.

Now we just retired and we are involved in a huge tsunami of issues my inlaws just got...much of it self induced because of denial. 
You would not believe our friends' comments:
"This is your retirement. You shouldnt be doing that."
" They created their own problems- don't enable them by going over there."
" Let him take an Uber to the radiology appt for chemo- it's not your job."
" You can never come out- what a shame they did this to you."
" Why can't your brother take off from work? Too bad!"

Their parents have died over the years. There's a sentiment of feeling "lucky" if parents have already passed that I seem to feel in many social circles.

We are becoming an entitled society. No empathy. Other people are throw  aways. They shouldn't be interfering in our lives, as we deserve to live ours in freedom....that is what the message is.

I do not love my inlaws. They are super PITA to unbelievable degrees. I still do not feel that it is my right to not help  them, and I am very saddened by those who do. Who will help us in 25 years?

[/quote]

I have watched many a relative become quite ill while being the chosen one for doing the most caregiving and receiving the most horrible behavior from their elderly parents. I have known quite a few people who received their cancer diagnosis within a year of being done caregiving for an elderly parent who was difficult. I think everyone has to find the right balance. As I have seen with my own caregiving empathy often leaves/detriorates as the brain ages and the parents will suck you dry emotionally and physically if you let them. It was a lot easier to do more for the parent who was pleasant. For the difficult parent it can leave an emotional hangover and physical symptoms. I think each person has to find what they can handle and part of that is dependent on the personality they are working with. Those who judge anyone doing caregiving should think twice. [/quote]

You've got to take care of you first.  Think of everyone that is relying on you.  Think of the ones who will be impacted if you get sick.

You need to exercise, eat right and do fun things.  The more positive energy you have, the more energy you have to share with others.

If that means an unreasonable older person is disappointed or cranky, oh well.  Yes, you love your parents and you want to spend time with them and you are happy to help them out within reason.  But martyring yourself and sacrificing your own health, well being and happiness is not good.  Do what you can.  if something doesn't get done perfectly it is not the end of the world.  Be kind to yourself.[/quote]

Sure. But- we don't get a pass because it id unpleasant. People who are aged and sick aren't generally going to be pleasant. And, yes, it is a responsibility that people have to undertake. It is not in incumbent upon retiring that we sail off into the sunset with a daiquiri.[/quote]

I think that you can (and should!) have days when you sail off into the sun with  daiquiri, other days when you ride herd on teenagers, other days when you take care of projects around your own home and still other days when you drop by and visit an older relative, maybe take them grocery shopping and out to lunch.

This idea that you have to constantly be back and forth to their house tending their yard, cleaning their yard, driving them around is just not sustainable.  If you are spending an inordinate amount of time doing that then it is time for them to downsize.[/quote]

Oh, you think it is about a house? No.

Subtle renal failure signs,  diabetes,  blood draws, nutrition, dr appts, transport, insurance paperwork,  referrals,  overnights in ICU, hospitals, medical supplies, coordination of nurses and  staff, rehab facility liasion, nursing home liasion for  one parent, bringing the other parent  to see the parent in facility, feeding the pets,  diapering an incontinent parent who doesn't think he's incontinent, apologizing  to nurses who were yelled at, asking for repeated clarifications of what "red blood in pee or poop" means, making sure they eat, making sure the dr talks to you and gives info, clarifying to dr what the REAL story is after your parent tells them complete bullshit, taking the car keys away, taking your phone into the barhroom, bed, garden, and dog walks so you miss nothing, bluetooth in car, never making any plans beyond one day, getting the right prescription from CVS, refills on time, organizing their bills and paying them,  doing their taxes, scheduling new financing for  nursing care, laundry, wiping their tears, calming their  fits of anger, unclogging toilets after shit bombs, explaining repeatedly what can be put down in a toilet, being glad most of  the shit made it into the toilet, dealing with calls from friends and neighbors who want to "help" with cake, insulin and blood pressure checks that go to dr for review each day, hoping the nurse is on time, getting the internet connection back on  for TV, arguing with sibling about firing nurses at home because they are too expensive and don't "do that much",  getting calls at 3 am, calling the EMT several times a month.

Downsizing? You think this is about downsizing? Wrong thread, dear.

And no, we don't get a pass because it is too hard. This is life,  obligation, and responsibility...it is not fun. Sorry. [/quote]

O.k.  If you broke your leg tomorrow who would do all of this?  What would happen to your parents?  Serious question.[/quote]
Siblings would have to take FEMLA and move here. Neither can actually do that because they need their paycheck and in each case are the health insurance providers for their family, but, yes.

I did it, for my parents ( now it is inlaws) while I was working, but because I couldn't do it all, there were some things that went south very quickly. I was lucky in some ways with the nurses I had, but it is a crap shoot. 
That's the point of this thread. This is a crisis.

Older people are making very poor plans, not that it solves everything, but there are some safeguards. You can't plan illness, cancer, Parkinsons, stroke, but one can plan housing arrangements and leveled care. Many refuse. So if they do, do we refuse to do these things that surface in this critical time? I am not sure what choices there are. If we get a call that  Dad fell off his bed and has a head gash at 2 am, do we say " Well, call Pete. I am sleeping."

Also, some do not have the funds. ...continual care communities are not cheap. That being said,  there's a lot on this  list that  would  still be there as responsibilities.[/quote]

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