Overbearing older brother & birthday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

The younger one was not invited to play. You forced it on the two older boys. Your fault. The point of water balloons is to pop them. He's an 11 year old kid. I think you are overreacting toward the older one. You were supervising, why didn't you stop it before it happened. Dad should have taken the younger one so he had some 1-1 time or you could have invited another child over to play with the younger one.

I hate to sound harsh, OP but I agree. I have two boys around this age as well.

Once the activity wasn't wood cutting, your supervision for boys this age wasn't necessary and you should have stepped away and not been involved in their play.

Also you shouldn't force the younger brother onto the older's playdate. They need to be able to have their own time with friends.

It sounds like you did coddle your younger son instead of encouraging him to act with autonomy - to speak up to his brother ("that was rude and you owe me an apology") and then walk away. My boys pop each other's balloons and irritate each other like this...but they wouldn't come crying to me to handle it. 10 is too old for that.

As for the birthday, I would not have the older boy attend and instead add a separate family dinner with a cupcake/candle to celebrate.

But I also think at least given this example, that you may want to rethink how you are interacting with the boys and why your older son feels the way he does. He needs to act more kindly to his brother, that's a given, of course. Both things can be true at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the socially awkward kid having a birthday party designed for an extrovert? Let him have a couple of friends over for pizza and a movie next year or go out just in a small group.

Because he wanted to...
I honestly thinks he sees how big brother interacts and has large groups of friends and thinks that’s how he should be.

NP here; I agree with the PP. You need to let your younger son know it’s okay to be different from his brother and to do things in a low key way. Actually, both sons need this lesson.

But good for you, OP, for seeing the behavior and wanting to change the dynamic. Now you have to set the limit with your older son. Take your older son out to dinner or for ice cream before the paty happens, just the two of you, and have a talk with him. First, apologize for forgetting that he still needs his parents. Then tell him it bothers you to see him treat his brother unkindly, and that it can’t really feel good for him, either. Tell him that he doesn’t have to be best friends with his little brother, but you expect him to treat his brother kindly. And that you expect the same of his younger brother towards him. Specify no more mean comments to friends, and that if you hear him doing it at the party, you’ll remind him in front of everyone. Just before the party, remind him of your talk. And then both you and your DH need to follow through at the party — if he forgets, correct him in front of everyone. You can probably call just his name and look at him at first. Do it every time. I doubt he’ll do it more than twice, but if he does, you’ll need a bigger consequence. If he is resistant to all of this, you should get some family therapy.

Also come up with some organized activities ahead of time that your younger son can do with his friends at the party that they’ll all enjoy, so it doesn’t fall to the older brother to be the entertainer. Get extra help with the food/refills/cleanup aspects of the party, so you can help facilitate the younger kids’ activities and keep an eye on them.

This is good advice. Also, talk with the younger child about developing a thicker skin, and teach him to stand up for himself and/or walk away instead of running and crying to you. He needs to learn the difference between play (popping a water balloon) and bullying (brother and friend saying mean things). Even as a parent, I don't expect like being around the kid who whines and blames at the drop of a hat. Especially a 10 year old.

As an adult, I still remember the resentment I felt towards that girl in grade school, too. I remember being told I needed to be kind to her, invite her, include her. But what do you know, she's crying and I'm in trouble again. Not fun.

[Anonymous]

I have two boys with a similar dynamic although they are younger. Everyone asks for older one, he dominates playdates, etc. You HAVE to stop forcing the younger one into the older one's mold. Why on earth would you send him to play with those older boys when you know it will end EXACTLY as it would with mine - older one pushing too far and little one whining (although my little one is only 5 and if he's losing his mind over a water balloon at 10 I'll be wondering...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, younger bro knows how to get his older bro in trouble! This is a play by the book example. I bet you by this point the older one knows he will get in trouble no matter what, and is sick of his brother crying for attention. How does a 10 year old starts crying like nuts because water balloon is popped?
Also, stop forcing your younger kid onto his older brother. You are so focused on how "bad" your older kid is you are blind to what a master manipulator your younger one is. But, your older kid knows. And guess what? He tried talking to you about how he feels, but you didn't listen. So, who is he going to talk to about this? his friends, that's what kids do, when parents don't listen they tell their friends about what bothers them. He is not his brother's keeper, you need to read that book.

+1 A 10 YEAR OLD crying and running to mommy over a popped water balloon?!! I have a 5 yo and regularly play with friends 5-7 year olds and even they are more mature than your kid. I would expect this behavior from a 2 or 3 yo. I can't believe this unhealthy dynamic with your younger son.

[Anonymous]

Telling that OP disappeared. That poor 12 year old.

[Anonymous]

Your older son is an instigator. He knows his power and he fully wields it to his own benefit. I think you need to work with him on his empathy and social skills. I would steer him more towards playing with older kids where he can be on his own level rather than younger where he exerts dominance. And encourage a sport or activity that he will have to work at and struggle with a bit to master. It will help stretch him and give him some firsthand experience with not being the golden boy.

In the immediate party situation, I would give him a job to do or an activity to run, not just have him there participating. The little kids will still see him and enjoy him, but he won’t be part of their group.

[Anonymous]

I think your issue here is the relationship between the two boys. Older DS needs to connect with, love and support his little brother. We have similar boys in ages & personalities, but my older DS is the biggest champion for my younger son. Older DS helps ease his way socially so often! Sticks up for him, helps him at playdates and keeps an eye on him socially at the pool, parties etc. Will even run interference if other kids pick on his little brother.

I would consider focusing on building their relationship. Therapy might help but honestly just setting us special “brothers time” and outings would probably help tremendously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your issue here is the relationship between the two boys. Older DS needs to connect with, love and support his little brother. We have similar boys in ages & personalities, but my older DS is the biggest champion for my younger son. Older DS helps ease his way socially so often! Sticks up for him, helps him at playdates and keeps an eye on him socially at the pool, parties etc. Will even run interference if other kids pick on his little brother.

I would consider focusing on building their relationship. Therapy might help but honestly just setting us special “brothers time” and outings would probably help tremendously.

They are way past solving this problem with “brother time.” The older brother makes fun of the younger brother in front of their peers! That is a very insidious dynamic for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your issue here is the relationship between the two boys. Older DS needs to connect with, love and support his little brother. We have similar boys in ages & personalities, but my older DS is the biggest champion for my younger son. Older DS helps ease his way socially so often! Sticks up for him, helps him at playdates and keeps an eye on him socially at the pool, parties etc. Will even run interference if other kids pick on his little brother.

I would consider focusing on building their relationship. Therapy might help but honestly just setting us special “brothers time” and outings would probably help tremendously.

They are way past solving this problem with “brother time.” The older brother makes fun of the younger brother in front of their peers! That is a very insidious dynamic for both of them.

Oh please, which boy wouldn't be embarrassed of such a whiner for a slightly younger brother? Newsflash, all kids that age gossip their siblings to their friends, they also gossip their parents mercilessly. None of this would be an issue if OP wasn't blind to her older son's needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

DP here. It’s not alarmist. What older brother is doing, encouraging other kids to make fun of his awkward little brother as he leads by example, is NOT normal. OP said several times that older brother is outgoing and popular. Together with a lack of empathy for your own brother? This is how narcissistic personality disorder is born. Put a stop to it now, OP.

Oh for heavens sake, kid's making fun of other kids is perfectly normal and part of growing up! You can definitely curb it and make younger son feel better and talk to older son but no one is going to be scarred here.

[Anonymous]

My goodness OP. Get your act together. You literally can’t control your older son from bullying your younger son? Seriously? WTF? Be firm. Get a grip. Go to family therapy if you must. Who cares about the party. Get a handle on the bigger issues stat. Signed Mother of 2 boys the same age.

[Anonymous]

You have major problems in your family and you and your DH are not helping. You need family therapy asap. I feel bad for both your kids.

[Anonymous]

You keep setting your older kid up. Pushing your younger one to be included, chastising him when the younger one cries over a bust balloon. And the birthday party is a prime example of setting your older up to fail. You KNOW the neighborhood/older kids would prefer to play with your older. You KNOW they sometimes mock fun of your youngers immaturity. You KNOW the dynamic of them plus older together doesn't create the best environment for younger. But instead of being a parent and suggesting a small activity with kids who are actually nice to the youngest,you go right along with his idea. And then act SO SHOCKED when the youngest is upset because these kids are looking forward to hanging out with the oldest. So now you've set the oldest up to be the villain at the party.

Please get family counseling. It's clear you have no idea what you're doing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

DP here. It’s not alarmist. What older brother is doing, encouraging other kids to make fun of his awkward little brother as he leads by example, is NOT normal. OP said several times that older brother is outgoing and popular. Together with a lack of empathy for your own brother? This is how narcissistic personality disorder is born. Put a stop to it now, OP.

Oh for heavens sake, kid's making fun of other kids is perfectly normal and part of growing up! You can definitely curb it and make younger son feel better and talk to older son but no one is going to be scarred here.

...says someone who was not a younger sibling in a dysfunctional household.

[Anonymous]

Get help for your older son. Start supporting your younger son. There is zero reason for him to put up with his older brother being like this. Why in the world have you let this go on this long??