Overbearing older brother & birthday party

[Anonymous]

I have 2 sons, 2.5 years apart. My older son (12) is outgoing and popular. My younger son (just turned 10) is smart but socially awkward. Older son is overbearing, and not very nice to little brother unless he wants something. We’ve talked a lot about it with him, but he perceives that we favor younger son and give in whenever he has a tantrum. He also makes fun of his little brother in front of neighborhood kids - and when I attempt to correct him, his response is “well, its the truth.” He firmly believes that my husband’s favorite is his little brother, although DH interacts more with the younger one in an attempt to help him with his social anxiety and awkwardness, not because he’s favoring him. Anyway... to the reason for the post.
Were having a birthday party next weekend for younger son. All of our birthday parties have always been lots of kids from school, sports teams, and neighbors, siblings always invited. So we usually end up with kids raging between their two ages, +/- a year or so. Over the last year or so, all the kids - even the younger ones - have really started gravitating towards my older son. It’s normal - he’s outgoing and popular and usually the oldest boy around. And they’ve also started making fun of my younger son.
So for his birthday party, we went through the list of usual invitees and he wanted them all, and made a few additions. Invitations went out last week Then last night, going to bed he asked why he was having a birthday party when all the kids just want to hang out with older brother. Apparently one of the kids from school asked if older brother was going to be at the party and was exited to hear it. And also last night one of the neighbor kids blatantly made a dig at him that I know he picked up from older brother.
I’m torn. My husband thinks we need to defend younger son. I think parents defending kids only alienates kids further (“you need your mom to stick up for you”). I’m thinking of not having older son go to the birthday party so he doesn’t steal the attention from younger brother. But then I wonder if when kids are there and ask where he is, if it will make my younger one even more unhappy (I can foresee “why are they asking about him when it’s my party?!”) But besides that, what can I do about this sibling dynamic and friends and this birthday party?
I know how painful it is - I was the socially awkward one growing up, and “friends” told me they only came to my house to hang out with my siblings. I remember at the time being hurt and angry and sad, but resigned to the fact and being partially happy that they came over at all, even if it wasn’t for me.

[Anonymous]

Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

[Anonymous]

Send older brother to a friend's house, make the party all about younger son - it's his birthday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

DP here. It’s not alarmist. What older brother is doing, encouraging other kids to make fun of his awkward little brother as he leads by example, is NOT normal. OP said several times that older brother is outgoing and popular. Together with a lack of empathy for your own brother? This is how narcissistic personality disorder is born. Put a stop to it now, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send older brother to a friend's house, make the party all about younger son - it's his birthday.

I think this could backfire and have people asking for older son.

[Anonymous]

It’s too late now, but I wouldn’t do birthday parties like this in the future. Let your younger son pick a handful of friends and go do something fun with that smaller group. That’s what most kids seem to do as they get to be tweens anyway.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you should have had a party if son didn't want one and done something special instead. That sounds more about your needs and wishes than his. I think you should strongly punish the older one for being mean to the younger one, but also listen to his concerns about you both favoring the younger one and spend equal time with him as he deserves equal attention. He is jealous and acting out and you need to give him what he needs to get him to stop. You created that dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Let your younger son pick a handful of friends and go do something fun with that smaller group.

THIS!! Older son should not even be included. This should be your younger son's party for his friends -- his age group --- only. Even if some of younger son's friends WANT older brother there, too bad, older son isn't included. Don't facilitate an already bad power-dynamic.

Have a separate family-only party

[Anonymous]

I wonder if when kids are there and ask where he is ...

You can't situation a situation if you aren't willing to live through the correction. It's a problem because you never did it right in the first place. Older one should not have been at younger one's parties in the past. The fact that you did it wrong before doesn't mean you should just continue forever to do it wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

Right? I'm shocked that the poster managed to refrain from suggesting that the parents start shopping for a diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should have had a party if son didn't want one and done something special instead. That sounds more about your needs and wishes than his. I think you should strongly punish the older one for being mean to the younger one, but also listen to his concerns about you both favoring the younger one and spend equal time with him as he deserves equal attention. He is jealous and acting out and you need to give him what he needs to get him to stop. You created that dynamic.

He wanted a party - brought it up himself - and was involved in planning and who to invite. I was only after a comment from a classmate that he didn’t want to have it.
We do spend quality time alone with each son. But its the perception since time with younger son is more obvious to older one. However, older one has far more play dates, sleepovers, etc. because he is popular and is frequently being invited places. Younger son is very rarely invited, and most of the time when I invite others they decline. Younger son really struggles with friendships.
Our social circle, siblings are almost always at the parties.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your older son has social anxiety. But he is outgoing... here is a little tip, my older has severe social anxiety, so yes, I spent a lot of time with him. My younger, dd is outgoing, and she thinks the same way as your older. That we love anxiety kid the same. And I can see why and I feel terrible about it. From what happens with my kids in a very similar situation, your older is right. Pay attention to that.

[Anonymous]

On the bigger issue, I had a big problem with my boys in which my older really thought we were favoring the younger. I think you really need to work on this dynamic.

Here is what I did and it really has worked (over a bit of time)


I read Siblings with Rivalry, which really gave us some good practical ideas and how to react in certain situations.

I got the older one in therapy - he learned to recognize his own insecurities

And we did some therapy with both parents and the older one - he needed to hear from us why we do certain things, and he needed to vent his grievances.

the younger one has also done a little therapy to balance out his own needs

My DH and I worked on our language and they way we talk to both kids

It has taken time but the dynamic is a lot better

[Anonymous]

You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!