Overbearing older brother & birthday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

I don't think he took it too far. Come on.

What?! “No” means no!

For cryin' out loud. He didn't grab his ass. He popped a water balloon.

I am not quite sure you're serious with this. Have you never been around adolescent boys?

You make a few more water balloons, not overreact. That's probably why he's behaving that way to get your attention as negative attention for some kids is better than no attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What were a 13 yo and an 11 yo doing outside that required you to supervise them, before little brother came out? Did he want to come out or did you tell him to/cajole him?

Wood carving.
Younger one enjoys wood carving too, so I encouraged him. Not cajoled. I didn’t say he had to, or hold anything over his head. And they all sat wood carving for a long while. (It’s a scout thing - they are all in scouts)
Part of the dynamic is the neighbor - who is 13 months older than my youngest - was red shirted, so they are the same grade and were in the same class last year. So younger thinks they *should* be friends based on grade level, but neighbor enjoys hanging out with my older son.

You sound like a pain. Being in the same grade has nothing to do with it and this is a good example of why its a bad idea. Kids do better with their own age group. His peer is the older sibling, not the younger one.

Is that a good plan to give your oldest a knife when he attacks the younger one?

You have unreasonable expectations and are clearly bias to the younger one. You have yet to say much nice about the older one and find wrong in everything. You picked the activities. You forced the younger one to play when that is not the dynamic. You should have invited another child over to play with your younger one.

[Anonymous]

Your older son is 12.

He’s d enough for you to have a conversation about party expectations. I would both dangle a reward and a punishment if he doesn’t behave. If he says anything negative about younger brother during the party he willose screentime. If he does anything mean or fails to include his brother he will be cleaning all the bathrooms for the next month, etc. If he’s inclusive of his brother and makes the party nice for him he gets a new video game or new clothes or whatever else he’s into.

Then you never put your boys in this situation again!

[Anonymous]

All were happy doing their thing when you intervened, knowing there was a good chance it would not go well. You set things up to go wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, you keep putting the two boys together. You expect the older one to act more maturely than he’s capable of and then don’t hesitate to express your disappointment in him when he doesn’t.

In your first post you wrote, “he perceives that we favor younger son and give in whenever he has a tantrum.”

In your second post, that’s exactly what happened. He has it exactly right.

Your younger son is 10, he’s still crying and you still come running to defend him, making your older son, who was also just being the kid he still is, feel like an ogre. It’s time to teach your younger son how to speak up for himself.

Stop taking your youngest son’s side whenever he cries and take that as your cue to teach both of your sons how to work out their issues with their words. Don’t speak on behalf of either, just let each know when it’s their turn to talk about what happened....to each other, not to you. Be a mediator.

Or send them both to their rooms until they can calm down. Don’t show favoritism to either side.

Stop forcing the older one to play with the younger one, especially when friends come to play. Let them each have their own space, and their own friends.

Think about how and how often you and your DH show your older son he’s valued and loved as much as your younger son. It seems you’ve neglected him because you identify with the younger son and think he needs you more while it seems the older one gets by on his own. He has to because he’s left with nothing else. Both of your sons need their parents, but in different ways. Your older son needs to feel parental love and attention, too.

To foster family bomding, schedule a family night once in a while where it’s just your nuclear family doing an activity together. Let each person have a turn picking out the activity — game night, baking cookies....something that requires teamwork and cooperation, but allows everyone to have fun together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your older son is 12.

He’s d enough for you to have a conversation about party expectations. I would both dangle a reward and a punishment if he doesn’t behave. If he says anything negative about younger brother during the party he willose screentime. If he does anything mean or fails to include his brother he will be cleaning all the bathrooms for the next month, etc. If he’s inclusive of his brother and makes the party nice for him he gets a new video game or new clothes or whatever else he’s into.

Then you never put your boys in this situation again!

I wouldn’t be bribing my 12 year old to convince him to behave. I think this is a time to use consequences, not rewards.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re in a bad dynamic but what your older son is doing is taking away home as a haven for the younger son. By never being able to trust that his older brother won’t ridicule, tease, demean or alienate everything is heightened-its all one big wave after wave of chipping away the peace. Pretty classic dynamic and root of it often is that the bully has low self esteem as well but you need to provide a home where each son feels protected and cherished

[Anonymous]

Ugh! OP, I have 10 and 12 year old boys and you were just wrong in the water ballon situation. Boys that age aren't going to want to play with your younger son if he cries every time something happens he doesn't like. In that situation you should have had your younger son throw the balloon at his brother when he tried to pop it. Or filled another water ballon and encouraged him throw it at your older one. Or filled up other balloons to keep it going and made sure to help out the younger one. That's how water balloon games are played. The neighbor kid left thinking it sucks when your younger one is outside. Your younger one ended up thinking he is a victim.

[Anonymous]

The water balloons situation is not a good example, op. This dynamic happens with my friend and her two (very close in age) kids. The younger one joins in, the older kids are fine with it, but then younger one whines and cries because she doesn't like how they're playing. The mom always defends the younger one. As the outsider, it's clear what's happening. She loves that attention.

Your older kid is right in this situation. They were popping water balloons. That was the game. Younger kid needs a thicker skin.

I'm not ignoring your description of his other awful behavior though. You need to nip that in the bud.

[Anonymous]

You all really need to lay down the law with your older son. If he doesn’t learn to stop being a d*** to his younger brother and people in general he could turn out horribly. Send him to a friends for the party, and afterwards have a family meeting where you explain jointly that you do NOT tolerate siblings undermining each other in public, and here are the punishments.

You are wrong in your assumption that punishment makes it worse, and you need to backup your husband on this, and push back hard on his complaint per the PP’s comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

DP here. It’s not alarmist. What older brother is doing, encouraging other kids to make fun of his awkward little brother as he leads by example, is NOT normal. OP said several times that older brother is outgoing and popular. Together with a lack of empathy for your own brother? This is how narcissistic personality disorder is born. Put a stop to it now, OP.

This!
Family therapy- Stat.
Therapy will help sort out lack of empathy for older boy
Teach younger kid social skills and help parents not appear to favor the younger one because they have a professional who is helping the younger one with the social awkwardness and it’s not the parents focus

[Anonymous]

I mean, younger bro knows how to get his older bro in trouble! This is a play by the book example. I bet you by this point the older one knows he will get in trouble no matter what, and is sick of his brother crying for attention. How does a 10 year old starts crying like nuts because water balloon is popped?
Also, stop forcing your younger kid onto his older brother. You are so focused on how "bad" your older kid is you are blind to what a master manipulator your younger one is. But, your older kid knows. And guess what? He tried talking to you about how he feels, but you didn't listen. So, who is he going to talk to about this? his friends, that's what kids do, when parents don't listen they tell their friends about what bothers them. He is not his brother's keeper, you need to read that book.

[Anonymous]

And no, older boy is not a narcissistic monster. He seeks attention because he lacks it in some way at home.

[Anonymous]

Just the fact that you posted in Family Relationship forum tells us you think your older is a grown up. Stop treating him like an adult as others said, and hold your younger accountable too.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I feel really badly for your older son. You coddle the younger, and allow him to manipulate you.