Overbearing older brother & birthday party

[Anonymous]

Op, doesn't want answers. She doesn't want change. It might be different than what's typically done in her social circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

The younger one was not invited to play. You forced it on the two older boys. Your fault. The point of water balloons is to pop them. He's an 11 year old kid. I think you are overreacting toward the older one. You were supervising, why didn't you stop it before it happened. Dad should have taken the younger one so he had some 1-1 time or you could have invited another child over to play with the younger one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: It’s too late now, but I wouldn’t do birthday parties like this in the future. Let your younger son pick a handful of friends and go do something fun with that smaller group. That’s what most kids seem to do as they get to be tweens anyway.

+1

Seems like this kind of party isn’t younger brother’s thing. In the future, let him pick an activity and small group of friends. Sounds like he’s an introvert. Make sure you’re not just some huge extrovert projecting insecurities because you don’t understand introverts.

I’m going to steer him to smaller events in the future. I’m an introvert, but my mom was an extrovert so I learned how to survive in an extroverts’ world. The party is only big because that’s how many he wanted to invite. But in hindsight I should have realized he was just trying to copy big brother. I need to let him know its ok to not have a large group of friends that goes out every weekend.
I’ve watched him for years in social situations. He’s usually off doing his own thing, rarely actually participating with the other kids beyond what is necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, my heart goes out to your younger son. I also know how dangerous it is when siblings resent each other. My older brother despised me until we got older and I left my prestigious job in the private sector for govt. as long as he out earns me he’s ok with having a relationship but he truly hates me bc i did better than him in school our whole childhood and out earned him by 4x after we both graduated from law school. My mother was really bad at intervening when we were younger bc she pitied him (and related to his situation of not getting good grades and feeling not good enough)so he took full advantage of terrorizing me as a way to make himself feel better. Here it’s the opposite situation. You relate to the less popular son and he’s retaliating by being mean to the younger son. Please address this through family therapy. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

I don't think he took it too far. Come on.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get help dealing with this now. The ‘alarmist’ posters above are completely right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

I don't think he took it too far. Come on.

What?! “No” means no!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

+1000. Calm down, PP. You don't have sons, do you?

-- Mom of 2 boys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

+1000. Calm down, PP. You don't have sons, do you?

-- Mom of 2 boys

Exactly! (My boys are 8&10). Calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

I don't think he took it too far. Come on.

What?! “No” means no!

For cryin' out loud. He didn't grab his ass. He popped a water balloon.

I am not quite sure you're serious with this. Have you never been around adolescent boys?

[Anonymous]

What were a 13 yo and an 11 yo doing outside that required you to supervise them, before little brother came out? Did he want to come out or did you tell him to/cajole him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What were a 13 yo and an 11 yo doing outside that required you to supervise them, before little brother came out? Did he want to come out or did you tell him to/cajole him?

Wood carving.
Younger one enjoys wood carving too, so I encouraged him. Not cajoled. I didn’t say he had to, or hold anything over his head. And they all sat wood carving for a long while. (It’s a scout thing - they are all in scouts)
Part of the dynamic is the neighbor - who is 13 months older than my youngest - was red shirted, so they are the same grade and were in the same class last year. So younger thinks they *should* be friends based on grade level, but neighbor enjoys hanging out with my older son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

I don't think he took it too far. Come on.

What?! “No” means no!

OP here. This is my concern - am I overreacting or not? When is a no not a no? When should I say something and when do I let them sort it out? FWIW, the water balloon fight had ended, and they had switched to these large water balloon babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

OP here with an example of what literally just happened.
Neighbot boy - who is 11, same school as younger one - comes over to house and knocks on door asking if older son can come out and play. Older son and him play for a while. My husband wants to run errands, and the older one & neighbor need some supervision with stuff they are playing with outside. I encourage younger one to come out. Initially he is reluctant and just sits on sidewalk, and then he starts participating. They are having fun. Younger one brings it balloons and starts making water balloons. They all participate and being silly boys throwing water balloons at each other. Then they all make mega balloons - like bigger than a gallon of milk, and are walking around with their huge balloons. They sit down on the curb, each with a big water balloon. My older sons’ pops, and he tries to pop younger ones, who yells at him to stop and I tell him to stop. He pops it anyway. Younger son runs inside bawling (I’m not exaggerating - full on bawling over a popped balloon). I tell older one to go inside, and tell neighbor boy it’s time for him to head home (by this point in time he’s been over for about 2 hours). I talk to older son, and tell him he should not have popped it - brother had asked him & I had told him not to. He explains that they were all popping balloons, what’s the big deal. I explain that in this case when his brother specifically asked not to, he shouldn’t have, and it was no longer part of what they were playing. I tell him he needs to apologize. I go talk to younger, and explain older thought it was ok since it had been a water balloon fight, and that he needs to work on not overreacting. I then went back to older and explained what I had explained to younger, and that he still needed to apologize.
The thing with older one is he always takes things one step too far. They were having fun. And then it ends in little brother crying.

I don't think he took it too far. Come on.

What?! “No” means no!

For cryin' out loud. He didn't grab his ass. He popped a water balloon.

I am not quite sure you're serious with this. Have you never been around adolescent boys?

I am completely serious. The older brother clearly has no respect for the younger brother, and the younger brother knows that. And he’s lacking in self-esteem enough that he doesn’t know better than to try to be like the older brother.

It would be one thing if they usually got along, but that doesn’t sound like the case here.