Overbearing older brother & birthday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 2 sons, 2.5 years apart. My older son (12) is outgoing and popular. My younger son (just turned 10) is smart but socially awkward. Older son is overbearing, and not very nice to little brother unless he wants something. We’ve talked a lot about it with him, but he perceives that we favor younger son and give in whenever he has a tantrum. He also makes fun of his little brother in front of neighborhood kids - and when I attempt to correct him, his response is “well, its the truth.” He firmly believes that my husband’s favorite is his little brother, although DH interacts more with the younger one in an attempt to help him with his social anxiety and awkwardness, not because he’s favoring him. Anyway... to the reason for the post.
Were having a birthday party next weekend for younger son. All of our birthday parties have always been lots of kids from school, sports teams, and neighbors, siblings always invited. So we usually end up with kids raging between their two ages, +/- a year or so. Over the last year or so, all the kids - even the younger ones - have really started gravitating towards my older son. It’s normal - he’s outgoing and popular and usually the oldest boy around. And they’ve also started making fun of my younger son.
So for his birthday party, we went through the list of usual invitees and he wanted them all, and made a few additions. Invitations went out last week Then last night, going to bed he asked why he was having a birthday party when all the kids just want to hang out with older brother. Apparently one of the kids from school asked if older brother was going to be at the party and was exited to hear it. And also last night one of the neighbor kids blatantly made a dig at him that I know he picked up from older brother.
I’m torn. My husband thinks we need to defend younger son. I think parents defending kids only alienates kids further (“you need your mom to stick up for you”). I’m thinking of not having older son go to the birthday party so he doesn’t steal the attention from younger brother. But then I wonder if when kids are there and ask where he is, if it will make my younger one even more unhappy (I can foresee “why are they asking about him when it’s my party?!”) But besides that, what can I do about this sibling dynamic and friends and this birthday party?
I know how painful it is - I was the socially awkward one growing up, and “friends” told me they only came to my house to hang out with my siblings. I remember at the time being hurt and angry and sad, but resigned to the fact and being partially happy that they came over at all, even if it wasn’t for me.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, but your older son is a major jerk and he's manipulating you with his insistence that you favor your younger son.

I'd think twice about this party (but it may be too late for that). You need to help your younger son develop friends and connections completely separate from his older brother - ideally your younger son's birthday would be him a few of his actual friends doing something together without his older brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you should have had a party if son didn't want one and done something special instead. That sounds more about your needs and wishes than his. I think you should strongly punish the older one for being mean to the younger one, but also listen to his concerns about you both favoring the younger one and spend equal time with him as he deserves equal attention. He is jealous and acting out and you need to give him what he needs to get him to stop. You created that dynamic.

He wanted a party - brought it up himself - and was involved in planning and who to invite. I was only after a comment from a classmate that he didn’t want to have it.
We do spend quality time alone with each son. But its the perception since time with younger son is more obvious to older one. However, older one has far more play dates, sleepovers, etc. because he is popular and is frequently being invited places. Younger son is very rarely invited, and most of the time when I invite others they decline. Younger son really struggles with friendships.
Our social circle, siblings are almost always at the parties.

Yes, I'd say that's the norm for most people but it's not what your younger son needs, so don't do it in the future.

And your older son should definitely have some empathy and loyalty to his younger brother. Mine are almost 4 years apart (2 girls) and while they have a normal level of conflict my older one would never treat her younger sister like this, nor would she allow others to do so.