Overbearing older brother & birthday party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the bigger issue, I had a big problem with my boys in which my older really thought we were favoring the younger. I think you really need to work on this dynamic.

Here is what I did and it really has worked (over a bit of time)


I read Siblings with Rivalry, which really gave us some good practical ideas and how to react in certain situations.

I got the older one in therapy - he learned to recognize his own insecurities

And we did some therapy with both parents and the older one - he needed to hear from us why we do certain things, and he needed to vent his grievances.

the younger one has also done a little therapy to balance out his own needs

My DH and I worked on our language and they way we talk to both kids

It has taken time but the dynamic is a lot better

+1 on this book. That dynamic sounds tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the bigger issue, I had a big problem with my boys in which my older really thought we were favoring the younger. I think you really need to work on this dynamic.

Here is what I did and it really has worked (over a bit of time)


I read Siblings with Rivalry, which really gave us some good practical ideas and how to react in certain situations.

I got the older one in therapy - he learned to recognize his own insecurities

And we did some therapy with both parents and the older one - he needed to hear from us why we do certain things, and he needed to vent his grievances.

the younger one has also done a little therapy to balance out his own needs

My DH and I worked on our language and they way we talk to both kids

It has taken time but the dynamic is a lot better

Thank you. I’ll have to check out the book and look into therapy for all of us.

[Anonymous]

Why is the socially awkward kid having a birthday party designed for an extrovert? Let him have a couple of friends over for pizza and a movie next year or go out just in a small group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is the socially awkward kid having a birthday party designed for an extrovert? Let him have a couple of friends over for pizza and a movie next year or go out just in a small group.

Because he wanted to...
I honestly thinks he sees how big brother interacts and has large groups of friends and thinks that’s how he should be.

[Anonymous]

This is more than "not nice"... your older son is bullying your younger and inciting others to do so. And it sounds like he's right - you do favor his younger brother. So you have one hurt kid feeling neglected lashing out, and a second kid struggling socially.

This is above DCUM's paygrade, you need family counseling.

In the immediate future, I agree with PP - cancel the party, let your younger son pick out 2-3 friends, and take them to do something fun. Your oldest should not be included in this outing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You resent your older son for being like your sibling, and you identify with your younger son. Wonder why your older acts the way he acts?!

Your reading a lot into it. If I resented him, I would not drive him everywhere for the various things he’s been invited to, or allow sleepovers all the time... And we do special things - he njoys scary movies and my husband and I take turns watching them with him. He also likes amusement parks, and we take turns taking him to amusement parks. I do resent how he treats his little brother.

But you drive your younger son too? Resenting him doesn't mean you stop being his mother. You just wrote you resent how he treats his younger brother. Sure, that is with some reason. He clearly knows this and acts accordingly. Social anxiety child always gets a special treatment, always. The other kid resents that. Why does anxiety kid get a pass? Because it is anxiety and rules of being strict do not apply. Take a good look at what your younger kid might be doing to provoke his brother. I am not saying just because your younger might provoke his older, that excuses older son's behavior, not at all. But, man, all that your older is doing is almost exactly how my older son acts towards his younger sister, because he has social anxiety and hence he is irrationally embarrassed of his sister. Just because your older is outgoing doesn't mean he might not have some anxiety, he sees his brother as a threat, most likely for your affection, he is telling you this! Like plain and simple telling it to you. You can watch a million movies and if your son thinks you love the younger more, and he tells you so, why are you dismissing his feelings and his words? This is a sign of you being a poor listener, you might be talking AT your older, not talking to him and it sounds like you are not listening to him at all. There is such a thing as glistering but not hearing. He is 12, when you try to have a mature conversation with him, what does he tell you, really tell you?
(Yes, I am projecting here, but forgive me for that and if there is something here that might be useful consider it, otherwise sorry, I mean no insult).Your station sounds so similar to my kids, just that my anxiety kid was terrible towards his sister.)

[Anonymous]

^^situation

[Anonymous]

The party is planned and I guess you have to have it. But you do need to break up this dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I can't really give advice on what to do, but I will say this is not normal. I am a guy and my younger brother was the grade below me. We were best friends growing up and we fought and made fun of eachother in front of school/sports/neighborhood kids but in the end we always had eachothers backs if something went too far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: It’s too late now, but I wouldn’t do birthday parties like this in the future. Let your younger son pick a handful of friends and go do something fun with that smaller group. That’s what most kids seem to do as they get to be tweens anyway.

+1

Seems like this kind of party isn’t younger brother’s thing. In the future, let him pick an activity and small group of friends. Sounds like he’s an introvert. Make sure you’re not just some huge extrovert projecting insecurities because you don’t understand introverts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

DP here. It’s not alarmist. What older brother is doing, encouraging other kids to make fun of his awkward little brother as he leads by example, is NOT normal. OP said several times that older brother is outgoing and popular. Together with a lack of empathy for your own brother? This is how narcissistic personality disorder is born. Put a stop to it now, OP.

Agree. The middle poster sounds like an older sibling who was the golden child.
OP-you definitely need to address this issue with greater focus. Your older kid sounds like a classic jackass bully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Party aside, your older son needs professional counseling as soon as possible. He had demonstrated a concerning lack of empathy and this kind of personality disorder will only become more ingrained the older he gets. If he is saying horrible things to older children about his own brother, you have to imagine he’s doing the same to other children at school. This needs to be addressed right away.

You and DH have done the right thing with correcting him when he takes these jabs at your younger son. When he says “well, it’s the truth!” your response is “No, Larlo, that is your perception. And your perception is unkind and inaccurate, end of story.”

This is ridiculously alarmist and over the top. Good grief.

Older brother not nice to younger brother who is different than other kids. Film at 11.

DP here. It’s not alarmist. What older brother is doing, encouraging other kids to make fun of his awkward little brother as he leads by example, is NOT normal. OP said several times that older brother is outgoing and popular. Together with a lack of empathy for your own brother? This is how narcissistic personality disorder is born. Put a stop to it now, OP.

Agree. The middle poster sounds like an older sibling who was the golden child.
OP-you definitely need to address this issue with greater focus. Your older kid sounds like a classic jackass bully.

It sounds like the child is jealous as parents created this dynamic by identifying with and favoring the younger one in terms of time and attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the socially awkward kid having a birthday party designed for an extrovert? Let him have a couple of friends over for pizza and a movie next year or go out just in a small group.

Because he wanted to...
I honestly thinks he sees how big brother interacts and has large groups of friends and thinks that’s how he should be.

“Are you sure? What about Benihana with a couple friends? Dad could take you guys while big bro and I do something else. maybe a movie, too?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is the socially awkward kid having a birthday party designed for an extrovert? Let him have a couple of friends over for pizza and a movie next year or go out just in a small group.

Because he wanted to...
I honestly thinks he sees how big brother interacts and has large groups of friends and thinks that’s how he should be.

NP here; I agree with the PP. You need to let your younger son know it’s okay to be different from his brother and to do things in a low key way. Actually, both sons need this lesson.

But good for you, OP, for seeing the behavior and wanting to change the dynamic. Now you have to set the limit with your older son. Take your older son out to dinner or for ice cream before the paty happens, just the two of you, and have a talk with him. First, apologize for forgetting that he still needs his parents. Then tell him it bothers you to see him treat his brother unkindly, and that it can’t really feel good for him, either. Tell him that he doesn’t have to be best friends with his little brother, but you expect him to treat his brother kindly. And that you expect the same of his younger brother towards him. Specify no more mean comments to friends, and that if you hear him doing it at the party, you’ll remind him in front of everyone. Just before the party, remind him of your talk. And then both you and your DH need to follow through at the party — if he forgets, correct him in front of everyone. You can probably call just his name and look at him at first. Do it every time. I doubt he’ll do it more than twice, but if he does, you’ll need a bigger consequence. If he is resistant to all of this, you should get some family therapy.

Also come up with some organized activities ahead of time that your younger son can do with his friends at the party that they’ll all enjoy, so it doesn’t fall to the older brother to be the entertainer. Get extra help with the food/refills/cleanup aspects of the party, so you can help facilitate the younger kids’ activities and keep an eye on them.