Kids don’t want to play with neighbors grandson

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You teach your kids to play with the child that is left out. You challenge your child by asking “who did you help today at school?” “Who did you try to include today?”

And he does. But he does not want to play with certain kids and I am not going to force him to play with kids he is not comfortable with.

Ha ha yeah right. You and your child sound like role models of inclusion. You do t “force your child to play with kids he is not comfortable with”. You TEACH your child that kids have different strengths and weaknesses. You help your child identify when someone is being excluded and could use a little kindness. You help your child understand that they get stinger when they learn how to deal with adversity and things that make them a little uncomfortable. This exact situation happened to us- nearly exactly. Guess what- we made a little routine out of it. We played a little catch with a child who was socially awkward, lonely, and desperate for friends, and my son learned to be kind to him. Were they bff’s? No. But we certainly didn’t actively avoid him. It was 15-20 minutes of my child doing a non-preferred activity every couple of days one summer, and it was FINE.

OP agree. Try hours a day. My kids and other neighborhood boys are out all day. Not 15 minutes. So even if they play with this boy for 15 minutes, he’s pestering them the rest of the day before and after. Should they have to give up the rest of their summer to the demands of this boy? You can raise pushovers, but I’m not.

Thanks everyone who responded.

It's for two more weeks OP. Have you tried to come up with any strategies with your children for helping to include him? Or is that raising a "pushover". I mentioned my son before - he is 14 now and anything but a pushover - he has just learned how to be kind and patient. Think carefully about the lesson you will be teaching your children this summer. You can teach them that Larlo is annoying and it is ok to avoid him, or you can teach them that Larlo struggles socially and it would be a great opportunity for your kids to think about how they can show some leadership and creativity in this situation and figure out how to include him. You could tell them that a few weeks of kindness might make a lifetime of difference to that child or the grandparents, who are your neighbors and friends. Other posters are correct that it is unreasonable to expect a 9 year old to navigate this. That is where you come in. You have to guide them a little bit. it's a great opportunity for your kids. I can already tell you will squander it, and your kids will exclude him for the last two weeks of summer, but thank goodness your kids are not inconvenienced.

She doesn’t even know for sure that this boy has special needs. It could be he has no diagnosis but is a late-bloomer or just has a difficult personality. Op’s kids should be kind, of course and it sounds she’s encouraging that however-her kids are also kids with strengths and weaknesses just like the neighbor boy and maybe patience with disruptive behavior is hard for them. This dynamic that they must tolerate any manner of behavior from an acquaintance who may be rude or might possibly have adhd or another diagnosis with a smile on their faces is bizarre and unhealthy. And it does the other child no favors at all.

[Anonymous]

OP, trust your gut in how to handle things. A PP is calling you out for not wanting your children to be “inconvenienced,” while ignoring the fact you are your child’s advocate and you shouldn’t force them to be uncomfortable or they may not come to you in future situations

I am a petite female and was taught to include/be kind to everyone growing up. As a result, teachers would always assign me with the difficult kid on partner projects, my mom made me rsvp yes to every birthday party invite even if I didn’t really care for the child, I was not taught to advocate for myself. I let the older boys kiss me on the playground because I had to be the nice girl. I still struggle with sticking up for myself as an adult.

Of course you should teach your kids kindness and about trying to include others with social difficulties, but when the included child doesn’t want to play the game the group is playing, then the included child should leave.

I can’t believe DCUM is outraged at parents who create entitled children, but then think the grandparents’ child, who no adult is bothering to supervise or teach compromise, think that the group of kids should cater to this one child? That is setting this child up for a world of disappointment in adulthood.

No, don’t raise bullies. But also don’t force your kids to have extended interactions with someone who makes them unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

Honestly I wish every child could attend a school like my child's. It has taught me so much about what it really means to be inclusive. Last week we went to a bowling party and all the kids were invited. One of the kids has some severe SN and he was freaking out about the bowling and holding up the line. It was an inconvenience for the children to wait for him to bowl. But every one of those kids - ages 4 and 5 - calmly waited for the little boy to calm down. They know that kid is different and has some challenges. They are used to it. Some of the five year olds encouraged him. Now, there was a parent supporting him, so that makes a big difference and that is the missing link here, but I feel so so fortunate that my kid gets to go to this school. Every little kid there was like - no big deal. Fast forward, when these kids are nine and a child *shudder* throws a football across the street, maybe they will not freak out and exclude him like OP and her kids.

[Anonymous]

SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

Honestly I wish every child could attend a school like my child's. It has taught me so much about what it really means to be inclusive. Last week we went to a bowling party and all the kids were invited. One of the kids has some severe SN and he was freaking out about the bowling and holding up the line. It was an inconvenience for the children to wait for him to bowl. But every one of those kids - ages 4 and 5 - calmly waited for the little boy to calm down. They know that kid is different and has some challenges. They are used to it. Some of the five year olds encouraged him. Now, there was a parent supporting him, so that makes a big difference and that is the missing link here, but I feel so so fortunate that my kid gets to go to this school. Every little kid there was like - no big deal. Fast forward, when these kids are nine and a child *shudder* throws a football across the street, maybe they will not freak out and exclude him like OP and her kids.

But you agree the missing link is a lack of supervisory guardian to help the child navigate the situation. It’s not the responsbitku of OP’s kids to pick up the slack for grandma and grandpa. The grandparents are at fault here. Maybe they’re over their head in handling the kid so then the parents should not be leaving him for an extended period with them. The neighborhood kids need to be kind to him, but do not have to be free entertainment for him for weeks while his parents are off doing lord knows what kidfree for a few weeks.

Heck no would I pawn my kid off like this for so long, especially if he has SN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

Exactly. Including the SN kid. See how that works? Hypocrite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

Np here. The situations are entirely different. The kids at your child’s school sound sweet and well-supervised and I’m glad your child has a great school! However-its completely unreasonable to think op and her children should assume just because this child is unpleasant he has an undisclosed special need and his preferences therefore rightly supersede theirs for the rest of the summer. That is nothing like waiting while a severely autistic boy is assisted during a bowling outing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

Honestly I wish every child could attend a school like my child's. It has taught me so much about what it really means to be inclusive. Last week we went to a bowling party and all the kids were invited. One of the kids has some severe SN and he was freaking out about the bowling and holding up the line. It was an inconvenience for the children to wait for him to bowl. But every one of those kids - ages 4 and 5 - calmly waited for the little boy to calm down. They know that kid is different and has some challenges. They are used to it. Some of the five year olds encouraged him. Now, there was a parent supporting him, so that makes a big difference and that is the missing link here, but I feel so so fortunate that my kid gets to go to this school. Every little kid there was like - no big deal. Fast forward, when these kids are nine and a child *shudder* throws a football across the street, maybe they will not freak out and exclude him like OP and her kids.

Now imagine that the boy was walking up as others were taking their turns. Snatching the ball away and rolling it across the main floor for fun and saying that he didn’t want to do bowling and wants to do something else. You can say whatever you want but I guarantee you and the kids would not be feeling so smug about being inclusive after that.

The boy isn’t taking more time to throw the ball, he’s stopping the others from playing in their own homes and neighborhoods with their own friends on their vacation.

Stop with the *shudder* nonsense and read and actually think about the situation OP is describing before you try to lecture others.

[Anonymous]

Also, bowling is a few hours. Not weeks during the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

+1 I have a child with special needs and one without. A huge part of inclusion is also teaching children what social norms and rules are - because to truly be included in the world at large, kids like my youngest need to know the rules everyone else is playing by. Grandma and grandpa are either choosing to ignore or are blind to their grandson's needs, and that's sad because it's not helping him or anyone else. If he's struggling to interact with the neighbor kids and they want him to be included, they ought to be outside with him to guide him along/redirect as needed. Other kids should be kind, but it doesn't mean altering every game to meet this child's wishes and it also doesn't mean saying yes to playing all day, every day. True inclusion should also mean teaching children with and without special needs to understand and recognize boundaries and limits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

Exactly. Including the SN kid. See how that works? Hypocrite.

It's not a "right" stupid. I'm describing a social interaction. Not everything is equal or fair or comfortable. Not everything is a right. I teach my kids to be kind and patient. You teach your kids to whine and complain until they get their way because otherwise it is soooo unfaiiiir. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Lol bowling mom is pretty smug. “My kid was patient while a knitter kid bowled slowly for a few hours so OP’s kids should allow their summer break to be highjacked by another random kid who may not even have SNs and cater to his wishes.”

C’mon.

[Anonymous]

*another not a knitter (weird autocorrect)!