Kids don’t want to play with neighbors grandson

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

Exactly. Including the SN kid. See how that works? Hypocrite.

It's not a "right" stupid. I'm describing a social interaction. Not everything is equal or fair or comfortable. Not everything is a right. I teach my kids to be kind and patient. You teach your kids to whine and complain until they get their way because otherwise it is soooo unfaiiiir. You do you.

No one is whining and complaining. But what do you think everyone is thinking internally while all this is going on? They aren’t singing kumbaya.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

Np here. The situations are entirely different. The kids at your child’s school sound sweet and well-supervised and I’m glad your child has a great school! However-its completely unreasonable to think op and her children should assume just because this child is unpleasant he has an undisclosed special need and his preferences therefore rightly supersede theirs for the rest of the summer. That is nothing like waiting while a severely autistic boy is assisted during a bowling outing!

I don't disagree, but I am still very grateful that my child will grow up with lots of exposure to kids who have profound special needs. I think that he and his peers will learn that we live in a diverse society, and they might have compassion for kids who are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

Honestly I wish every child could attend a school like my child's. It has taught me so much about what it really means to be inclusive. Last week we went to a bowling party and all the kids were invited. One of the kids has some severe SN and he was freaking out about the bowling and holding up the line. It was an inconvenience for the children to wait for him to bowl. But every one of those kids - ages 4 and 5 - calmly waited for the little boy to calm down. They know that kid is different and has some challenges. They are used to it. Some of the five year olds encouraged him. Now, there was a parent supporting him, so that makes a big difference and that is the missing link here, but I feel so so fortunate that my kid gets to go to this school. Every little kid there was like - no big deal. Fast forward, when these kids are nine and a child *shudder* throws a football across the street, maybe they will not freak out and exclude him like OP and her kids.

That is a huge, huge missing link here, PP. A child with an adult supporting and guiding them and one who's being sent outside to play with no support are two very different things. The grandparents in this situation are doing their grandchild a huge disservice, and I say that as a parent of a child with special needs who has one on one support at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

Exactly. Including the SN kid. See how that works? Hypocrite.

It's not a "right" stupid. I'm describing a social interaction. Not everything is equal or fair or comfortable. Not everything is a right. I teach my kids to be kind and patient. You teach your kids to whine and complain until they get their way because otherwise it is soooo unfaiiiir. You do you.

No one is whining and complaining. But what do you think everyone is thinking internally while all this is going on? They aren’t singing kumbaya.

You and your kids are whiny jerks who complain either out loud or to themselves when things do not go exactly their way. I understand. That's a skill that will really help your kids in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

Honestly I wish every child could attend a school like my child's. It has taught me so much about what it really means to be inclusive. Last week we went to a bowling party and all the kids were invited. One of the kids has some severe SN and he was freaking out about the bowling and holding up the line. It was an inconvenience for the children to wait for him to bowl. But every one of those kids - ages 4 and 5 - calmly waited for the little boy to calm down. They know that kid is different and has some challenges. They are used to it. Some of the five year olds encouraged him. Now, there was a parent supporting him, so that makes a big difference and that is the missing link here, but I feel so so fortunate that my kid gets to go to this school. Every little kid there was like - no big deal. Fast forward, when these kids are nine and a child *shudder* throws a football across the street, maybe they will not freak out and exclude him like OP and her kids.

That is a huge, huge missing link here, PP. A child with an adult supporting and guiding them and one who's being sent outside to play with no support are two very different things. The grandparents in this situation are doing their grandchild a huge disservice, and I say that as a parent of a child with special needs who has one on one support at school.

Not the PP, but I’ll add that we also don’t know that the child has SN. He could just be an entitled brat. Would that change the equation for those of you who think OP’s kids should accommodate him?

[Anonymous]

I think the best you can do here is to calmly and firmly state that if he is willing to play what the others are playing and abide by the rules, he is welcome to stay. However, if he disrupts the game, he needs to leave. If he comes to you asking you to make them play what he wants, you should calmly explain that if he wants to play with them, he needs to go with the flow and play the game they are playing.

My son is in a social skills group where they worked on joining in. The basic rule is to "go with the flow" and when you join a group, you don't barge in and dictate the activity. He clearly doesn't understand that. I feel badly because he probably does want friends, but doesn't know how to go about it. But, it isn't your kids responsibility to deal with his disruptive behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the best you can do here is to calmly and firmly state that if he is willing to play what the others are playing and abide by the rules, he is welcome to stay. However, if he disrupts the game, he needs to leave. If he comes to you asking you to make them play what he wants, you should calmly explain that if he wants to play with them, he needs to go with the flow and play the game they are playing.

My son is in a social skills group where they worked on joining in. The basic rule is to "go with the flow" and when you join a group, you don't barge in and dictate the activity. He clearly doesn't understand that. I feel badly because he probably does want friends, but doesn't know how to go about it. But, it isn't your kids responsibility to deal with his disruptive behavior.

To be clear, in my second paragraph I was talking about the neighbor's grandson, not my son (though my son does need reminders ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also have a child with special needs, which are speech and language based. He attends an inclusive SN pre-school with NT kids and kids who have much more profound needs. Guess what - everyone there adopts an attitude of kindness and taking care of each other. Couldn't you teach your children to try to be a bit more accommodating and kind? These are your neighbors and he is a neighborhood child. Try to take better care of each other. He should not be bothering YOU, and that is a boundary issue for the care giver, but I think it is awful to teach your kids to avoid or ignore him - truly awful. Have a conversation with them about inclusion and help them think of some ways they can all have fun.

Teaching children to be kind is important. However, don’t teach them to be inclusive at all costs. They are children and should be able to express and pursue their wants and needs as well.

+1.

To the above poster with the SN kid. I have a ton of empathy for you and your child, but I'm not totally with you on this one. Everyone should absolutely teach their kids to be kind and to try to accommodate all kids. BUT, if a child is that disruptive it is not the other kids responsibility to put up with it no matter what. They also have a right to play in their own neighborhood with friends without being tormented.

Honestly I wish every child could attend a school like my child's. It has taught me so much about what it really means to be inclusive. Last week we went to a bowling party and all the kids were invited. One of the kids has some severe SN and he was freaking out about the bowling and holding up the line. It was an inconvenience for the children to wait for him to bowl. But every one of those kids - ages 4 and 5 - calmly waited for the little boy to calm down. They know that kid is different and has some challenges. They are used to it. Some of the five year olds encouraged him. Now, there was a parent supporting him, so that makes a big difference and that is the missing link here, but I feel so so fortunate that my kid gets to go to this school. Every little kid there was like - no big deal. Fast forward, when these kids are nine and a child *shudder* throws a football across the street, maybe they will not freak out and exclude him like OP and her kids.

That is a huge, huge missing link here, PP. A child with an adult supporting and guiding them and one who's being sent outside to play with no support are two very different things. The grandparents in this situation are doing their grandchild a huge disservice, and I say that as a parent of a child with special needs who has one on one support at school.

Not the PP, but I’ll add that we also don’t know that the child has SN. He could just be an entitled brat. Would that change the equation for those of you who think OP’s kids should accommodate him?

That's a good point - but special needs or not, he's having trouble. If grandma and grandpa want him to have fun with the neighbor kids, they need to help him instead of letting him struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SN kids needs do not matter more than normal kids needs. Our rule is you must be kind and polite, and I don’t see anywhere that OP’s kids weren’t.

It’s a slippery slope to teach kids their feelings don’t matter and they shouldn’t speak up when something makes them uncomfortable.

As for the bowling example, do you really think it’s ok to hold up the entire party for one kid? Why does his right to bowl supersede others?

No one has a “right to bowl”. The kids were being kind and polite. Just like you teach your kids to be- oh wait. Maybe not. I guess in that situation your kids would be whining that the severely autistic child was taking to long, and you’d be telling their parents that their child is taking too long and infringing on you child’s right to bowl.

Exactly. Including the SN kid. See how that works? Hypocrite.

It's not a "right" stupid. I'm describing a social interaction. Not everything is equal or fair or comfortable. Not everything is a right. I teach my kids to be kind and patient. You teach your kids to whine and complain until they get their way because otherwise it is soooo unfaiiiir. You do you.

No one is whining and complaining. But what do you think everyone is thinking internally while all this is going on? They aren’t singing kumbaya.

You and your kids are whiny jerks who complain either out loud or to themselves when things do not go exactly their way. I understand. That's a skill that will really help your kids in life.

You can beat your drum all you like, but your attitude is doing no favors to SN kids as a whole.

[Anonymous]

Interesting debate, but the most likely cause of the issue is that grandma/grandpa are unaware. When they were raising their kids, kids just played outside all day with little supervision. Kids worked stuff out for themselves.

That's just not how it is today. I've been thinking about this alot as a mom of a 9 yo with ASD and ADHD. Maybe all this increase in these types of diagnoses is the way our society works. Kids just don't have the same amount of time practicing working stuff out by themselves. So for those who have some differences, the lack of practice shows rather dramatically.

[Anonymous]

Entitled SN parents everywhere:

My kid shouldn’t be treated any different! Inclusion!

Also:

My kid is different and needs to be treated as such!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Entitled SN parents everywhere:

My kid shouldn’t be treated any different! Inclusion!

Also:

My kid is different and needs to be treated as such!

Are you the parent of a SN child? If not then you need to STFU!
~ Not a parent of an SN child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entitled SN parents everywhere:

My kid shouldn’t be treated any different! Inclusion!

Also:

My kid is different and needs to be treated as such!

Are you the parent of a SN child? If not then you need to STFU!
~ Not a parent of an SN child

No, but I was that weird ADHD kid, so I get it. I lost a lot of friends because I annoyed everyone. Nobody coddled me, and my parents bluntly told me that if I didn’t shape up, people wouldn’t be my friend. They helped me to notice when I was becoming annoying to others. I learned how to make accommodations that worked for me and everyone else. Nobody ever forced their kids to deal with my annoying ass in the name of “kindness”; I was ANNOYING! Help your kids, don’t hinder them. The skills we learn in childhood last a lifetime. That includes being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entitled SN parents everywhere:

My kid shouldn’t be treated any different! Inclusion!

Also:

My kid is different and needs to be treated as such!

Are you the parent of a SN child? If not then you need to STFU!
~ Not a parent of an SN child

No, but I was that weird ADHD kid, so I get it. I lost a lot of friends because I annoyed everyone. Nobody coddled me, and my parents bluntly told me that if I didn’t shape up, people wouldn’t be my friend. They helped me to notice when I was becoming annoying to others. I learned how to make accommodations that worked for me and everyone else. Nobody ever forced their kids to deal with my annoying ass in the name of “kindness”; I was ANNOYING! Help your kids, don’t hinder them. The skills we learn in childhood last a lifetime. That includes being a doormat.

These are not mutually exclusive issues. I work with parents of SN children and the majority of them are concerned about their social skills first and foremost and work with them and seek assistance. Pair that with NT children who have compassion and everyone benefits.