22 year old DD living with us while doing her PhD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

eh, you live with your parents, you do timed check ins. I don't care if you are 22 or 42. Letting them know whether they can expect you home or not and that you are o.k. is basic common courtesy. It's also basic personal safety, especially for young women. When I lived with roommates we always let each other know where we were going, who we were with and when to expect each other home.

Is she driving Op's car? If so, Op can put parameters as to where/when that car is being driven. If you are driving around someone else's vehicle while on their auto insurance then you are not free to just come and go, take road trips, etc as you please. You plan to be out late at night at the clubs? Then you leave that car in your parents driveway while you take Uber. It's a matter of basic personal responsibility and showing respect for the people who are helping you out.

Op, your 22 year old daughter already has her bachelors and masters? Is that correct? If so, she sounds like a very accomplished and driven individual.

Going straight from BS is my guess. My son did that too. No master's.

Do they earn their masters and PHD at the same time or can they truly just skip getting their master's altogether?

That depends on the program. When I started you were expected to complete masters including a thesis. They changed it while I was there so you had to pass the master's comp exams but you could be a doctoral candidate and do one thesis. It would take 2 years to complete the master's course requirements but of course many of the classes/seminars included both masters and doctoral students depending on the particular course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

NP. Does she need to check in by 11 on the dot every single night? Of course not. But when I lived with roommates (my own age) we ALWAYS shot each other texts if we knew we wouldn't be coming home for the night/coming home really late/etc. It's just common courtesy, whether you're living with your parents or non-parental roommates, and IMO the OP has every right to expect very basic common courtesy like that.

Ok. Well, when I lived with roommates we didn’t do that. So I would leave it up to her.

NP and another vote for the nightly check ins as ridiculous. Sure, I'll check in with you in the morning if I spend the night at my boyfriend's house last minute, but I'm not going to be tied down to nighty texts to roommates or parents as a grown independent woman. That wasn't our norm either. If you want to set that up with your roommates as a voluntary system, go for it, but it's not universally acknowledged as common courtesy as the various opinions on this board show.

Also, re a different poster - I worked in a lab and we did not have cell service except in the main ground floor halls and exterior offices(old buildings). This is just going to depend on the facility but it's definitely not a given.

[Anonymous]

I agree she should not have to check in. That’s awkward! And she may not know at 11 if she wants to sleep over at a guys house or not.

[Anonymous]

My philosophy is simple - study or work. You do not have to pay me for anything - rent, car, grocery, clothes, medical etc - because you are my child. However, you also cannot be making poor choices regarding life, day-to-day living and career. Give them privacy and expect them to be a responsible family member.

[Anonymous]

One night not home does not worry room mates. Common sense, one night not a big deal. Room mates know, vaguely, what's ordinary or not. Mom may or may not really know her daughter, may not know that's typical for her daughter or that age group. I think because of that Mom should NOT have the expectation of hearing re: her daughter's whereabouts or ETA home.

[Anonymous]

- signed, a 60 year old, btw. And a Mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One night not home does not worry room mates. Common sense, one night not a big deal. Room mates know, vaguely, what's ordinary or not. Mom may or may not really know her daughter, may not know that's typical for her daughter or that age group. I think because of that Mom should NOT have the expectation of hearing re: her daughter's whereabouts or ETA home.

It depends on the roommate situation. Honestly, my roommates would have given me grief if I had stayed out all night w/o bothering to text them that I was o.k.

I would have been worried about my roommate if they didn't come home and didn't text saying that they were o.k.

The exception would be if they were often sleeping over with their steady boyfriend. Then I would expect that she would be communicating her whereabouts more to her boyfriend than to me.

[Anonymous]

The more you treat it like roommates the better it will be. And maybe a small separate fridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The more you treat it like roommates the better it will be. And maybe a small separate fridge.

Roommates don't give you a free car to drive, pay for your auto and health insurance, give you free room and board w/all utilities included....

While I don't think that a parent should try to control their adult child's every move when they move back home, I do think that this is not quite as simple as a roommate situation, either, where the young adults are self supporting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One night not home does not worry room mates. Common sense, one night not a big deal. Room mates know, vaguely, what's ordinary or not. Mom may or may not really know her daughter, may not know that's typical for her daughter or that age group. I think because of that Mom should NOT have the expectation of hearing re: her daughter's whereabouts or ETA home.

It depends on the roommate situation. Honestly, my roommates would have given me grief if I had stayed out all night w/o bothering to text them that I was o.k.

I would have been worried about my roommate if they didn't come home and didn't text saying that they were o.k.

The exception would be if they were often sleeping over with their steady boyfriend. Then I would expect that she would be communicating her whereabouts more to her boyfriend than to me.

Me, too. It just seems prudent that someone know where you are or where you think you'll be. Part of the issue with the missing young woman out West was that no one knew where she was supposed to be. Certainly if at least one responsible person had known that she was missing earlier it might have turned out better for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

Dont do this, treat her as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

Dont do this, treat her as an adult.

But thoughtful, responsible adults do text home to let their loved ones know if they are running late, won't be home, etc. That's part of being a responsible, grown adult.

And, if this young lady is borrowing her parents' car, she absolutely needs to keep them apprised of where/when she is driving that vehicle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

Dont do this, treat her as an adult.

But thoughtful, responsible adults do text home to let their loved ones know if they are running late, won't be home, etc. That's part of being a responsible, grown adult.

And, if this young lady is borrowing her parents' car, she absolutely needs to keep them apprised of where/when she is driving that vehicle.

Good god. If I were her, I’d never come live with my own parents. Far easier to live with total strangers it seems. Really got to wonder your relationship your own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

Dont do this, treat her as an adult.

But thoughtful, responsible adults do text home to let their loved ones know if they are running late, won't be home, etc. That's part of being a responsible, grown adult.

And, if this young lady is borrowing her parents' car, she absolutely needs to keep them apprised of where/when she is driving that vehicle.

Good god. If I were her, I’d never come live with my own parents. Far easier to live with total strangers it seems. Really got to wonder your relationship your own kids.

Part of being an independent, young adult means actually being responsible for yourself. If you are borrowing your parents' car and they are paying for your insurance, you are not entitled to take that car places w/o telling them where you are going. That doesn't mean that you can't go to Subway on your lunch break w/o telling your parents where you're going but if you are planning a day trip to the beach using their vehicle that is most certainly their business.

If you want complete independence from your parents then you really can't be living in their home and borrowing things that they are ultimately the ones responsible for.

Living at home can absolutely work out but it needs to be a mutually responsible and respectful relationship - not a complete use on either part.

[Anonymous]

She will remain a child emotionally for the rest of her life.