22 year old DD living with us while doing her PhD

[Anonymous]

My 22 year old son's living at home. He's a college grad working at a professional job, but wants to start law school and save his money to buy a house. DH and I don't care if he lives here provided he's taking care of his business. He's been really good about saving money, funding his IRA, etc. He does his own laundry and lets us know where he's going (not a bunch of details, just enough so we'd know where to start looking for him, lol). He has some other household tasks he's responsible for. We still have 2 younger kids at home, so it's really not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

you sound unfamiliar with higher education.

[Anonymous]

Be happy you have her! Be happy she wants to live with you.
She is not high school girl, do not make rules for her. How weird! She is an adult.
Just go about your life and let her live hers with you. If she is home for dinner fine, if you go out to dinner, take her with you. How could someone ask if she can have snacks?? She is not a toddler! This is her home!
She is your daughter, share! Just Be welcoming!

[Anonymous]

OP, imagine she's a housemate, you are room mates. I would start there. Many would not do this but I would start there. Give her a shelf in the frig. She should be respectful re: quietly coming and going, but you would not really know her hours. If the two of you had plans -- dinner whatever, the expected consideration would be to let the other know if plans have changed - but this also means not assuming time together just because you want it, or just because she lives there.

Now, since you have some financial interests here, she is not financially independent: if she drives your car both of you need to discuss that schedule. You are likely paying for groceries- she could/perhaps should grocery shop for herself but leave a receipt for you and you reimburse. Always considerate for both of you if you say, "I'm going to the store. Do you need anything?"

No heavy romantic activity while you're in the house, not overnight. You may want to "give her the house" on some evenings to entertain with clear notice of the time you would return.

[Anonymous]

Some of you ladies are tough. This might be the last 5 years you will live together. I'd just live it and deal with issues if they ever come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think a daughter living at home while pursuing a fully funded PhD qualifies as a boomerang kid. I think of that term as applying to kids who live at home without a job.

Yea. Calling them a boomerang when they are still in school or recently graduated is silly. They aren't really boomeranging back, they are just stopping at a landing pad to refuel until their next journey.

[Anonymous]

Op, if resentment ever sets in, take that as a warning that you aren't asking enough of her. Let her know she is not holding up her share of cleaning, shopping, paying expenses ... whatever would lighten your load. She should not leave things for you to do. And money is always a great equalizer. It's very reasonable to *not* be charging her rent, but you could. Any market-rate amount (whether you give it back to her later, or not) Or either way is reasonable, to not cover her, otherwise, adult expenses: cell phone, insurance, gas, car expense, food/all other items.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

Sounds like she is getting a stipend. Stipends usually go to Stem degrees where student does research in return. She will be plenty busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

Sounds like she is getting a stipend. Stipends usually go to Stem degrees where student does research in return. She will be plenty busy.

Doctoral candidates in humanities programs also typically get stipends, for TAing and to support research. Regardless of her degree program, she'll be busy and stressed. Indeed, humanities programs expect you to distinguish yourself with original research practically from the get-go.

[Anonymous]

A lot can change in five years. By the end of her program, she might have want to share a rental with friends or a partner. I'd focus on what works for you now and not assume that this current housing situation will last the whole time.

[Anonymous]

I would do anything I could to support her. Getting a doctorate is an enormous feat and so commendable!

I wouldn’t set out any “rules” and just see how it plays out. Tackle issues as they come up but no big proclamations. Try to remember that she is an adult and don’t let yourself, her father or herself fall back into old childish patterns.

I do wish my DD could have lived at home during dental school. Her debt is enormous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

Sounds like she is getting a stipend. Stipends usually go to Stem degrees where student does research in return. She will be plenty busy.

Doctoral candidates in humanities programs also typically get stipends, for TAing and to support research. Regardless of her degree program, she'll be busy and stressed. Indeed, humanities programs expect you to distinguish yourself with original research practically from the get-go.

It's a PhD in clinical psych and she gets the stipend in exchange for TA-ing and working in a lab.

[Anonymous]

My husband lived at home from age 28-33 after being out of state for undergrad and a PhD. He was a post-doc and I was a consultant doing tons of travel so it made no sense to have an apartment while we were dating and engaged. During that time he and his parents were mostly like roommates - he took the trash out weekly and kept his room and bathroom clean. He bought groceries and joined them for some meals but also made his own. It seems to go well because they treated each other as respectful adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:aka for at least 5 years.

I know this is a common situation for kids to "boomerang" back after being out of the house- so what should I expect? Should we set up any rules/expectations? Her school is fully funded, with a stipend of about $20K/year, but it makes no sense for her to pay for an apartment or whatever since we're close to the school so I am really fine with her living here and having a great nest egg when she graduates and gets a job.

I think you need to think through what you are "really fine" with. Some nights she will be up all night finishing work. Some days she will sleep in all day. Some nights she won't come home because she is at the lab or library or with a guy. Some nights she might want to bring a guy home. It might be a holiday and she will want to stay in her room working, or go to her office, or hang out with friends instead of you. Sometimes she will complain about how much work she has, and then the very next night she might come home late, drunk, because she went to happy hour instead of the library. She might eat all your food. She might leave her dishes in the sink. She might hog the washer and dryer without regard for your needs.

I've been a Ph.D. student and now I'm a parent. Some things I did as a student would now drive parent me crazy. I think you guys should just talk openly about your expectations. My guess is that you might want to treat her like a child more than she is comfortable with, and she might treat you like her parent (i.e., she takes and does not give back in equal amounts) more than you are comfortable with. It doesn't have to be terrible, though. Just be honest and see if you can make it work.