22 year old DD living with us while doing her PhD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

Sounds like she is getting a stipend. Stipends usually go to Stem degrees where student does research in return. She will be plenty busy.

Doctoral candidates in humanities programs also typically get stipends, for TAing and to support research. Regardless of her degree program, she'll be busy and stressed. Indeed, humanities programs expect you to distinguish yourself with original research practically from the get-go.

It's a PhD in clinical psych and she gets the stipend in exchange for TA-ing and working in a lab.

This clinical psychologist echoes PPs who suggest being supportive and treating her like an adult. It's a grueling, rewarding degree. And you should be very proud of her: those programs are some of the toughest to get into of any higher education. All best to her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same as your relationship with her from 18-21. She's lucky to have you. You're lucky to have this time with her. Congrats, job well done!

+1 Enjoy the experience and kudos to your daughter!

[Anonymous]

Second 15:40's advice.

Also, OP: she's going to be busy. PhD programs are grueling, and the pressure is intense. And that stipend isn't free money - she's being paid for doing a job, in addition to coursework and research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:aka for at least 5 years.

I know this is a common situation for kids to "boomerang" back after being out of the house- so what should I expect? Should we set up any rules/expectations? Her school is fully funded, with a stipend of about $20K/year, but it makes no sense for her to pay for an apartment or whatever since we're close to the school so I am really fine with her living here and having a great nest egg when she graduates and gets a job.

I would love this. It's going to work out and it'll be great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

Working on a PhD is a job. A full time one at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

you sound unfamiliar with higher education.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

Working on a PhD is a job. A full time one at that.

Yup. Usually one that lasts about 5 years. (Although she may not live with parents the whole time - I got married halfway through grad school, those PhDs are the type to do the same things other people in their 20s tend to do....)

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, you've raised a kid who knows how to prioritize. I'm sure she knows to clean up behind herself, do her own laundry and meals, etc, and not make noise when she comes in late. Don't you dare give a 22 year old a curfew!

[Anonymous]

We have our son staying with us for a year while working on a PhD. He lets us know where he is headed for the night and when he expects to be back. I think this is common courtesy for someone living with you so you know whether to expect them for meals, to leave off the house alarm and in case of emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have our son staying with us for a year while working on a PhD. He lets us know where he is headed for the night and when he expects to be back. I think this is common courtesy for someone living with you so you know whether to expect them for meals, to leave off the house alarm and in case of emergencies.

I think this is the key concept -- to expect and extend common courtesies. There is a family down the street whose son lives with them while he is in law school. He graduated from college, worked for 2 years and then entered law school. He has saved a ton of money living at home while attending a top area law school. It all works because they are very respectful of each other and cognizant of their mutual expectations for living together. To us it looks like a great set up.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations! This is a great set up. Agree it's not a boomerang situation. This is a woman with a full time job and you are enabling her to concentrate on what matters (her studies) and save what little she can. Honestly, I would just stay out of her way. She should manage her own laundry and chores. Have a game plan for meals and groceries (and their bills). Will she be eating most nights with you? Then she should text if that is going to change, can't make dinner that night, wants you to refrigerate her plate for later.

I wouldn't ask her to text daily - if she won't be home in the morning for some reason, she should text you, but otherwise just let her alone for the night and give her the alarm code so she doesn't wake you up. If she were living on a college campus to do her PhD, you wouldn't be getting a nightly text.

[Anonymous]

You need to decide what your rules are for overnight guests and let her know. Your house, your rules on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My rules would be more like..I am happy to include you for dinner or not..let me know what your plan is. I expect you to manage your own mess/laundry. Overnight guests depend on your preferences.

Same here. As long as she is respectful and behaves like a grown up adult, I think it's a great thing to do. Save that money instead. 100k is a nice down payment!

She’s not going to save 100k. She will need spending money etc. if you want her to have a nest egg after she finishes, I suggest you say she has to save x number of dollars a year while living with you. Maybe 3-5k a year.

[Anonymous]

My sister lived at home while at medical school. It worked out just fine. No one had any issues nor do I recall my parents expressing some of the doubts on this forum. She didn't pay rent but she did her own laundry and cleaned her room and helped out with meals and groceries although I do remember my father commenting it was never necessary. Everyone was grown up and respectful about it. She was a family member, they were helping her get started in life one way or another.

[Anonymous]

A bit of a side note, OP, but when I was getting my PhD, my mom was spectacularly unsupportive, although she thought she was supportive.

A PhD is hard, grueling, and the risk of failing out is very very real.

If I could have asked anything of my mom it would have been to acknowledge that my fears were real rather than suggesting I was just being insecure. "Don't worry - I'm sure it will work out" is just about the worst thing to hear.