22 year old DD living with us while doing her PhD

[Anonymous]

aka for at least 5 years.

I know this is a common situation for kids to "boomerang" back after being out of the house- so what should I expect? Should we set up any rules/expectations? Her school is fully funded, with a stipend of about $20K/year, but it makes no sense for her to pay for an apartment or whatever since we're close to the school so I am really fine with her living here and having a great nest egg when she graduates and gets a job.

[Anonymous]

She will be busy enough as is. Just let her be and allow her to focus on getting her degree. Depends on what she is studying, it can be grueling 5-6 years.

[Anonymous]

She's an adult. Don't try to have curfews or restrict her social life, such as she has time for.

Try to reframe things as a roommate situation. Establish expectations about cleaning and noise and shared space. Try to enjoy building an adult relationship with your daughter!

[Anonymous]

My rules would be more like..I am happy to include you for dinner or not..let me know what your plan is. I expect you to manage your own mess/laundry. Overnight guests depend on your preferences.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think a daughter living at home while pursuing a fully funded PhD qualifies as a boomerang kid. I think of that term as applying to kids who live at home without a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My rules would be more like..I am happy to include you for dinner or not..let me know what your plan is. I expect you to manage your own mess/laundry. Overnight guests depend on your preferences.

Same here. As long as she is respectful and behaves like a grown up adult, I think it's a great thing to do. Save that money instead. 100k is a nice down payment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's an adult. Don't try to have curfews or restrict her social life, such as she has time for.

Try to reframe things as a roommate situation. Establish expectations about cleaning and noise and shared space. Try to enjoy building an adult relationship with your daughter!

Agree. Also, set up expectations on who pays for what- groceries, extras, etc. if you want her to pitch in a token amount too, that’s reasonable, I did that with my parents for a one-year post-grad program. They used that as a small gift, starter funds when I moved to DC once I finished.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

[Anonymous]

Same as your relationship with her from 18-21. She's lucky to have you. You're lucky to have this time with her. Congrats, job well done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

if she is in a lab, this kind of stuff might be tough. my kid had to work 7 days/week for 5 1/2 years. be flexible.

[Anonymous]

One of my friends did this. She wanted to pay something to her retired parents for utilities/ food. So her parents took it and saved it for her and gave it back when she graduated to help her set up her first place on her own.

Encourage her to start saving for retirement now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of my friends did this. She wanted to pay something to her retired parents for utilities/ food. So her parents took it and saved it for her and gave it back when she graduated to help her set up her first place on her own.

Encourage her to start saving for retirement now.

have her check out school's 403b. she may qualify

[Anonymous]

For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

Please don't pressure your daughter. They will be under a lot of pressure without mom adding more.

[Anonymous]

Set clear expectations but be willing to negotiate based on experience. No “rules” but expectations, especially around either you expect her to chip in on chores for the whole house or just do her room/laundry/dishes/cooking. Whether she will generally be home for dinner or not. Should she feel free to snack on what she finds in the cupboards?