22 year old DD living with us while doing her PhD

[Anonymous]

5 years?! Dang. Won’t that be hard on her social life.

[Anonymous]

Our DD starts her PhD in the fall and we just closed on a house with her. Now she has to worry about us living in the basement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DD starts her PhD in the fall and we just closed on a house with her. Now she has to worry about us living in the basement.

That made me laugh, thanks!

[Anonymous]

What is the PhD in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

NP. Does she need to check in by 11 on the dot every single night? Of course not. But when I lived with roommates (my own age) we ALWAYS shot each other texts if we knew we wouldn't be coming home for the night/coming home really late/etc. It's just common courtesy, whether you're living with your parents or non-parental roommates, and IMO the OP has every right to expect very basic common courtesy like that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, as others said, that is not a boomerang. I personally would be happy to provide healthy meals for my kids in that situation as long as they gave proper notice as to when they need them. I would have a curfew out of respect for us be home by midnight and if you stay with a friend call. I would not allow a boyfriend to stay overnight unless I approved of him and knew they were ultra responsible. She does her laundry and helps keep things tidy, but I would be willing to help out when she is super stressed. I would ask a small amount for rent which i would then put most of it in say a Roth IRA and the rest in a mutual fund to get her on a good track.

Also as someone who has been through a Ph.D. program I am letting you know some people take longer than that to get through especially if you have a nutty dissertation advisor or they need more slave labor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the PhD in?

Good question! If this is a road to poverty Ph.D. like say "English literature" I would have a long talk with her unless she is a trust fund baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the PhD in?

Good question! If this is a road to poverty Ph.D. like say "English literature" I would have a long talk with her unless she is a trust fund baby.

omg READ, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

NP. Does she need to check in by 11 on the dot every single night? Of course not. But when I lived with roommates (my own age) we ALWAYS shot each other texts if we knew we wouldn't be coming home for the night/coming home really late/etc. It's just common courtesy, whether you're living with your parents or non-parental roommates, and IMO the OP has every right to expect very basic common courtesy like that.

Ok. Well, when I lived with roommates we didn’t do that. So I would leave it up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

eh, you live with your parents, you do timed check ins. I don't care if you are 22 or 42. Letting them know whether they can expect you home or not and that you are o.k. is basic common courtesy. It's also basic personal safety, especially for young women. When I lived with roommates we always let each other know where we were going, who we were with and when to expect each other home.

Is she driving Op's car? If so, Op can put parameters as to where/when that car is being driven. If you are driving around someone else's vehicle while on their auto insurance then you are not free to just come and go, take road trips, etc as you please. You plan to be out late at night at the clubs? Then you leave that car in your parents driveway while you take Uber. It's a matter of basic personal responsibility and showing respect for the people who are helping you out.

Op, your 22 year old daughter already has her bachelors and masters? Is that correct? If so, she sounds like a very accomplished and driven individual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

if she is in a lab, this kind of stuff might be tough. my kid had to work 7 days/week for 5 1/2 years. be flexible.

Labs don't have access to call service.... Total bs.

This was our rule as roommate not even parents.

It's common courtesy when you wake up in the am and realize your roommate never made it home that it was on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

eh, you live with your parents, you do timed check ins. I don't care if you are 22 or 42. Letting them know whether they can expect you home or not and that you are o.k. is basic common courtesy. It's also basic personal safety, especially for young women. When I lived with roommates we always let each other know where we were going, who we were with and when to expect each other home.

Is she driving Op's car? If so, Op can put parameters as to where/when that car is being driven. If you are driving around someone else's vehicle while on their auto insurance then you are not free to just come and go, take road trips, etc as you please. You plan to be out late at night at the clubs? Then you leave that car in your parents driveway while you take Uber. It's a matter of basic personal responsibility and showing respect for the people who are helping you out.

Op, your 22 year old daughter already has her bachelors and masters? Is that correct? If so, she sounds like a very accomplished and driven individual.

Going straight from BS is my guess. My son did that too. No master's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t come home I need a text at 11 pm do I know and something at 10 am so I know you are alive.

I like this suggestion. I know she'd need her privacy, but I'd worry. Otherwise I think treating each other as respectful roommates is great advice. Don't let her fall into a pattern of your doing everything for her.

On the other hand, I think this is ridiculous. Why would you assume she’s lying in a ditch somewhere? What if she spent the night somewhere and isn’t up by 10? I agree not to do everything for her and to treat one another as respectful roommates, which does NOT include timed checkins. Treat her as the adult she is.

eh, you live with your parents, you do timed check ins. I don't care if you are 22 or 42. Letting them know whether they can expect you home or not and that you are o.k. is basic common courtesy. It's also basic personal safety, especially for young women. When I lived with roommates we always let each other know where we were going, who we were with and when to expect each other home.

Is she driving Op's car? If so, Op can put parameters as to where/when that car is being driven. If you are driving around someone else's vehicle while on their auto insurance then you are not free to just come and go, take road trips, etc as you please. You plan to be out late at night at the clubs? Then you leave that car in your parents driveway while you take Uber. It's a matter of basic personal responsibility and showing respect for the people who are helping you out.

Op, your 22 year old daughter already has her bachelors and masters? Is that correct? If so, she sounds like a very accomplished and driven individual.

Going straight from BS is my guess. My son did that too. No master's.

Do they earn their masters and PHD at the same time or can they truly just skip getting their master's altogether?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For at least the next 5 years? Holy hell. If I were you, I would set a deadline on when she needs to get a job. Those phd's are the types to want to go to school for life.

If I were her, I would be searching for a roommate/group house situation and working part-time. As much as I love my parents, no way would I want to live with them way into my late 20's.

You are . . . . funny. Have you ever been a graduate student?