Reply to Not Going to Close Relatives Funeral

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[quote=Anonymous]NP here.  OP, please read this to the end as I am not pressuring you to go, and at the end, I have a suggestion for you.

But first, fyi, I don't think the funeral is for the deceased.  It is for those close to the deceased to get both closure, and support from those who are close to THEM (not the deceased).

As I see it, attending a funeral is important because it's a person's job to support those they love and are close to as they are mourning.

I learned this from my boss back in 1997 or so...my coworker/friend invited me to her dad's funeral.  It was a plane flight away, but it was back when I was single and mobile, so it was do-able. But I didn't "get" why she wanted me there--I had never met her dad!  I told my boss, who told me that it's about being there for HER.  He told me, when his mother died, he still remembers every person who came, and those who didn't. and the ones who came...there is a bond forged there.

Flash forward to 2001, my dad died, and I remember every person who came out.  I remember this one couple that I didn't know too well, and only knew through my DH's work (of course they had never met my dad)...guess what, I still ask about them and we are still in touch.  I'll never forget them.

And now, just a few months ago, my mother's memorial.  Same.

So as you consider your options, please consider that those people who are in mourning never forget who shows up and who doesn't.

So if you are asking how THEY--your family, will view YOU--yes, they will judge.  They will think you suck.  This is just a fact.

I personally get where you are coming from and am not using this post to pressure you to go.  I am just stating that to your question of will there be fallout, a grandparent's funeral is pretty close relation, so YES.  It will not be to your face but there will be tons of fallout that you will never be aware of.  Your parents will never forget.  Your aunts/uncles and cousins will never forget.  Your siblings will never forget.  While some may get mad...it's really hurt.  The main thought will be sadness and disappointment that you didn't rise to the occasion to comfort THEM by being there.  That you are that weak, or selfish that you can't give back just for those few hours.

Is that fair or right?  It doesn't matter.  It just IS.

So my advice is, if you decide not to go, do your family the kindness of giving them a possible other explanation than "you don't like funerals."  Tell them you are sick.  And don't tell anyone--not one person--that you are not sick.  Make sure it's a contagious sickness, so they can believe that you are doing them a favor by not going.[/quote]

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