Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.

I'm not sure of anything. That's why I find it so frustrating that everyone else, on both sides, is so sure. I suspect, unfortunately, that it depends. And I also suspect that the most toxic marriages are unlikely to end in mature, mindful, and deliberate divorces that unequivocally support the needs of the kids.

I'm an imperfect person. I have an imperfect marriage. I'm trying my best to improve it. If I get to the point of concluding that I just can't do that, I'll try my best to work with my wife to end the marriage in the most thoughtful way. But I imagine we'd be imperfect at that too. And whatever the result, whether it's my imperfect marriage or an imperfect divorce, I imagine some judgmental person with all the answers on the internet will conclude I'm a terrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.

I don't believe that everything thinks it is axiomatic that kids are going to be "happy." I mean, let's face it, kids in this situation are going to have a tough road whether the parents divorce OR if the parents stay together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons

I’ll take two divorced happier parents over two married miserable and fighting parents any day, even if it’s for frivolous reasons.

I grew up with divorced parents, and this is what I used to say. I was so happy they stopped fighting that I was okay with their divorce. However, now I see more of the damage it did. And I do blame them (mostly my mother) for how they dealt with things. My mom could have told my dad directly what she was missing in the relationship. They could have tried harder to make it work, and to make things pleasant at home. Instead, my mom was just always out for her own pleasure, screw everyone else.

wow. are you married with kids yourself? unless your mother indeed had frivolous reasons, then it seems pretty harsh to blame her. there's likely a LOT that you don't know about the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.

so ... you think it would have been better if they stayed together? where exactly do you think a relationship as volatile as that leads? it's not pretty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.

I don't believe that everything thinks it is axiomatic that kids are going to be "happy."

Yes they do. Or at least, that's what they always say on DCUM. And I am 100% certain that if you described such a marriage, everyone on DCUM would say "you should get divorced, it is terrible for your kids to be around that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.

so ... you think it would have been better if they stayed together? where exactly do you think a relationship as volatile as that leads? it's not pretty.

I actually have a basis for comparison. My father remarried and had more kids. He remained the same man he was when he was married to my mom - violent, an adulterer - but for whatever reason his second wife put up with him until the kids were out of the house. So my half-siblings had the experience I would have had if my parents had stayed together. It is not obvious that they are worse off than are myself and my full siblings. It was pretty much "get raised by one toxic abuser or two". It wasn't pretty if the parents stayed together, and it wasn't pretty if they split up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.

I’m an adult and my parents divorced as a child. Don’t convince yourself this is better for the kids. Yes, it was nice not seeing my parents fight or not share a bed. But, the difficulties of them dating, pulling me in two directions (which WILL happen even when parents do their best), the moving house to house...it was really hard. The divorce was the best decision for them, but the burden of it fell on us.

I’m not saying I’d never get divorced if it ended up that way, but be clear that it’s ? about the parents and not the kids short of an house situation.

I am 100% sure they are happier. We both remarried and everyone gets along..so much so that we do double dates. The kids didn't mind having two homes, but we never put the burden on them. They spent one week with me, the next with dad and stepmom. We live 15 minutes from each other and never freaked out if one felt like staying an extra day, etc. We didn't force them to move their stuff, we had two of everything. We all showed up to the kids events and all sat together, etc. My oldest just had her first and she wanted me and her stepmom in the room. They have a true bond and I can admit she is better at some things than I am, and I am better at some things than she is. It can work out....the key is the adults must always put the kids first, whether you birthed them or not! I got lucky that my ex married a wonderful woman who put my kids first, that is also key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons

I’ll take two divorced happier parents over two married miserable and fighting parents any day, even if it’s for frivolous reasons.

I grew up with divorced parents, and this is what I used to say. I was so happy they stopped fighting that I was okay with their divorce. However, now I see more of the damage it did. And I do blame them (mostly my mother) for how they dealt with things. My mom could have told my dad directly what she was missing in the relationship. They could have tried harder to make it work, and to make things pleasant at home. Instead, my mom was just always out for her own pleasure, screw everyone else.

wow. are you married with kids yourself? unless your mother indeed had frivolous reasons, then it seems pretty harsh to blame her. there's likely a LOT that you don't know about the relationship.

wow. are you a mature adult? Please do not have procreate if this is your mentality. Apparently you are incapable of realizing divorce (in most cases) is a selfish and self-serving endeavour & is devastating for children involved?

[Anonymous]

i think more than 50% of the posters on this thread are mentally ill. Which begs the question - is your problem with your parents' divorce that they go divorce or that they are dysfunctional or mentally ill human beings who don't parent well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.

This is such BS. Kids don’t want to see their parents having intimacy - that’s all about you.
And what exactly kept you from being loving towards the spouse that you married and had babies with? You sound awful.

First, yes kids do want to see their parents show love for one another. I can guarantee you if your kids are going over for playdates to homes where the parents have a genuine connection and are true partners in every way they know that's not what they have at home. That is how my two daughters brought it up to me. They came to me and told me I can tell you and dad are miserable and they want to see me smile more, "Jill's" home is so different, etc. You can tell yourself that it's better for the kids, but when you are miserable with your life, you can't give your kids 100%.

As far ad not being loving, please. He didn't show any interest either. We fought a lot, we stopped hugging, holding hands, getting angry at the smallest thing, etc. I am not talking about making out, I am talking about showing your kids how they should be treated in a marriage. I didn't want my two girls to think that kind of marriage is okay. He wasn't a bad man, he is, in fact, an amazing father, and now that I see him with his wife, I know were were just oil and water. I adore his wife, she is his person no doubt about it. Just like my husband is my person. We just work, it take little effort.

Look, we got married at 18 because I was pregnant. We tried to put on a happy face, even had three kids. I did what I felt was right and I came from a conservative family, so divorcing was so taboo. It took us 10 years to finally realize we never should have gotten married in the first place. We are great friends and we have no regrets now.

Sorry you seem to be upset but we are one big happy family, with warts and all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons

I’ll take two divorced happier parents over two married miserable and fighting parents any day, even if it’s for frivolous reasons.

I grew up with divorced parents, and this is what I used to say. I was so happy they stopped fighting that I was okay with their divorce. However, now I see more of the damage it did. And I do blame them (mostly my mother) for how they dealt with things. My mom could have told my dad directly what she was missing in the relationship. They could have tried harder to make it work, and to make things pleasant at home. Instead, my mom was just always out for her own pleasure, screw everyone else.

wow. are you married with kids yourself? unless your mother indeed had frivolous reasons, then it seems pretty harsh to blame her. there's likely a LOT that you don't know about the relationship.

wow. are you a mature adult? Please do not have procreate if this is your mentality. Apparently you are incapable of realizing divorce (in most cases) is a selfish and self-serving endeavour & is devastating for children involved?

Wow indeed. Sounds like you’re not a mature adult. Perhaps your parents had a nasty divorce? Either way, no excuse for being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Screw you people who think marriage is a joke and subject your kids to divorce for frivolous reasons

I’ll take two divorced happier parents over two married miserable and fighting parents any day, even if it’s for frivolous reasons.

I grew up with divorced parents, and this is what I used to say. I was so happy they stopped fighting that I was okay with their divorce. However, now I see more of the damage it did. And I do blame them (mostly my mother) for how they dealt with things. My mom could have told my dad directly what she was missing in the relationship. They could have tried harder to make it work, and to make things pleasant at home. Instead, my mom was just always out for her own pleasure, screw everyone else.

Sorry you feel this way, try not to blame them too much though, life’s too short. I get what you mean re seeing more of the root causes as you grow up. My parents just couldn’t communicate with each other. My dad is just really awkward with emotions (even more than most men) and my mom just doesn’t tell her husband how she feels (I see this with her current husband now too). By the end she would just yell all the time and my dad would try to calm her down which would just make her angrier. Not having to live with that dynamic at home anymore was definitely a relief but of course there were other challenges once they did divorce (like my mom refusing to come to my graduation if my step mom would be there...). Overall I still think it was best that they divorced. I don’t blame them, I just try to learn from it. For example, really making an effort to communicate with my DH. I even gave advice to my mom a few years back when I realized this was such a problem for her. Parents are just human, they have faults, make mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone thinks it is axiomatic that the kids are going to be "happy" if hostile, fighting parents divorce. I disagree. My parents had a very toxic relationship - cheating, shouting, throwing things, hitting each other - and I was still miserable and traumatized for years after the divorce. Not least because my mom never sought therapy, she just remained this barely repressed volcano of rage for the whole rest of her life.

so ... you think it would have been better if they stayed together? where exactly do you think a relationship as volatile as that leads? it's not pretty.

I actually have a basis for comparison. My father remarried and had more kids. He remained the same man he was when he was married to my mom - violent, an adulterer - but for whatever reason his second wife put up with him until the kids were out of the house. So my half-siblings had the experience I would have had if my parents had stayed together. It is not obvious that they are worse off than are myself and my full siblings. It was pretty much "get raised by one toxic abuser or two". It wasn't pretty if the parents stayed together, and it wasn't pretty if they split up.

You seriously think you would have been better off continuously exposed to domestic violence, which likely could have escalated into perhaps injuring your mother and/or landing your dad in jail? And you blame your mother for leaving the situation and think she would have somehow been better if she had stayed? Wow. I completely agree that your dysfunctional family probably created lasting unhappiness for you; and I don't blame you for blaming your mom (in part). However, I think you really have blinders on if you blame her for leaving the situation.

[Anonymous]

I miss my in-laws a lot. For the first few years after the divorce, they talked to me and sent cards, said I'd always be their daughter but 5 years later we've lost touch and I still think of them all the time.