Did you have any *unexpected* divorce regrets?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.

I’m an adult and my parents divorced as a child. Don’t convince yourself this is better for the kids. Yes, it was nice not seeing my parents fight or not share a bed. But, the difficulties of them dating, pulling me in two directions (which WILL happen even when parents do their best), the moving house to house...it was really hard. The divorce was the best decision for them, but the burden of it fell on us.

I’m not saying I’d never get divorced if it ended up that way, but be clear that it’s ? about the parents and not the kids short of an house situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing I regret is we didn't do it sooner. Sure, all of the things listed were part of the process and it was tough for awhile, but everyone is happier now. The kids have made that very clear. I didn't realize how bad it was for them in a home where their parents never showed intimacy or genuine love to each other. Sure, we piled all kinds of love on our kids, but not with one another. My kids let me know they knew it was over before we even did.

I’m an adult and my parents divorced as a child. Don’t convince yourself this is better for the kids. Yes, it was nice not seeing my parents fight or not share a bed. But, the difficulties of them dating, pulling me in two directions (which WILL happen even when parents do their best), the moving house to house...it was really hard. The divorce was the best decision for them, but the burden of it fell on us.

I’m not saying I’d never get divorced if it ended up that way, but be clear that it’s ? about the parents and not the kids short of an house situation.

ABUSE not house. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

My ex died 2 years after our divorce. He was extremely co-dependent during our marriage and I needed to leave, yet I feel extremely guilty about it now. I feel like he would still be alive if I had stayed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did not regret divorce. I regretted ever getting married in the first place. (Though I have a child I love so try not to think about that.)

+1. I love my kids, but I also regret ever getting involved with their Dad. My involvement with him was traumatizing, career-wrecking and financially disastrous and brings enormous pain to my kids throughout their lives. It is something I will still regret on my deathbed. That is true even though I love my children deeply.

I also regret not doing it sooner AND giving up so much to make sure it was amicable and my kids had a relationship with their dad. The kids and I would have been better off if I had immediately moved to parallel parenting instead of trying to co-parent. I wasted a lot of time and money trying to keep his relationship with the kids afloat. That would have been better spent fostering my own relationship with the kids.

All of these things are things I thought I was doing right — try and work it out, be a nice coparent, support his relationship with the kids, etc. And yet they all titned out to have been mistakes/regrets. That’s what is so unexpected.

How did all this backfire for you?

[Anonymous]

"I regret ever getting married"

"I regret not doing it sooner"

These are not the kinds of regrets the OP is looking for...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did not regret divorce. I regretted ever getting married in the first place. (Though I have a child I love so try not to think about that.)

+1. Huge epic mistake on my part. My kids will also regret it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

If parents fight... divorce does not hurt the kids as much as staying together.
If the parents don't fight... broken but together is better.

This has long been studied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

Unhealthy people. .. a marriage is not an organism... it does not have a life of its own.

It's the person or people that are unhealthy and a divorce won't fix that.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t expect to regret that I’d waited to file. That’s all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

Unhealthy people. .. a marriage is not an organism... it does not have a life of its own.

It's the person or people that are unhealthy and a divorce won't fix that.

The relationship is unhealthy, not necessarily the people in the relationship. A divorce will release them from an unhealthy dynamic. Home should be a loving, relaxing oasis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came across this story the other day:

https://www.mydomaine.com/you-probably-shouldnt-have-divorced-and-dont-even-know-it-yet-1102932

Seemed to me that the possible regrets were pretty predictable; difficult finances, kids will have problems, new relationships might not be better.

Made me wonder - what problems (or regrets) did you have after your divorce that you didn't expect?

I didn’t expect to miss the jerk so much. He got my sense of humor. Also a sad to be “the divorced one” in our social circle. The only person is kind of a loud mouthed wreck and seems like a mess, and I do not relate at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I regret that it didnt work out because simply being divorced makes all future relationships more complicated and more likely to fail. It's a depressing statistic.

If you assume you have the potential to be 100% happy in a perfect relationship, go ahead and subtract 5% for each divorced person in the relationship. If either person has kids and you are trying to blend families, subtract 5% per kid. An extra 5% for each middle schooler. If the relationship was the result of an affair, subtract another 10% for lack of trust and generally poor relationship skills on both parts. If there is an imbalance of money because of alimony/child support issues, subtract another 5%.

Get the idea? Divorce doesn't give you a clean slate. I'm divorced and I'm fine with it, but dude. New relationships are extremely complicated.

Are you generally a depressive personality? This is not my experience as a divorced mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

Unhealthy people. .. a marriage is not an organism... it does not have a life of its own.

It's the person or people that are unhealthy and a divorce won't fix that.

The relationship is unhealthy, not necessarily the people in the relationship. A divorce will release them from an unhealthy dynamic. Home should be a loving, relaxing oasis.

There is no unhealthy relationship without at least 1 unhealthy person. A person makes the relationship unhealthy. You can actually be "out of love" and have a healthy relationship. Not all divorces are because of "unhealthy" relationships.

That is the biggest myth... a divorce will release you from your unhealthy self. No your self goes along with you and you are still unhealthy.

Either you are unhealthy or your spouse is unhealthy if you home is not loving and relaxing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I regret that I didn't do it sooner. Similarly to the other poster, my kids were VERY relieved when we broke up. We caused the older ones damage by staying together as long as we did.

"My kids were relieved and happy for me, and now they are thriving" is what selfish people always say when they got the divorce for their own selfish reasons, and can't admit it hurt their kids because that might make them look selfish (which they are).

Healthy marriages don’t end in divorce. Yes, divorce hurts kids, but so does living in a broken-yet-together home.

If parents fight... divorce does not hurt the kids as much as staying together.
If the parents don't fight... broken but together is better.

This has long been studied.

I doubt it's been studied as much as you think. I've pretty much stopped fighting in front of my kid, but I am miserable, and we fight in every other medium. My misery keeps me from being a good parent. It's extremely hard to be a good parent if your mental health is crap.