Resent DH that I can't be a SAHM

[Anonymous]

Try and step back and think about WHY he wants the house. Same for you - WHY do you want to be a SAHM? What is the emotion or core belief that is underlying each of those (e.g. If I had to guess, its about money. How do each of you perceive money/wealth? Something to be pursued? Something to be enjoyed? Something that is the result only of hard work and sweat? Something that is a matter of status? Something that is embarrassing?). Are the reasons each of you are offering really cover stories for something that each of you hasn't been able to put into words? You're telling yourself a story about why you want to be a SAHM and scanning your relationship and lifestyle for the justification. Recognize that you're doing the same thing in your perception of his focus on the new house - telling yourself a story about what his motivations are/aren't for that. Couples counseling....or one just for you so you can communicate your needs differently, might be of use.

As I read over this I realize it is really psycho woo-y...I am not in that field and have generally been allergic to these types of exercises. Turns out they're really helpful and enlightening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You do know that if you divorce, you are permanently giving up any possibility of being a SAHM, right?

No she’s not. It sounds like she has enough saved that she could do it. She just doesn’t have enough to build her DH a crazy dream house.

Take the time off to recover. Take at least 6 months, but a year is better. This is a health issue. A man wouldn’t ask permission to take time to recover. Stand up for yourself!

[Anonymous]

Take the time that you need.

You had twins. Maternity leave is a joke in this country. If you don’t need to work to eat or pay rent, then use the money you saved to fund your recovery. Your health is more valuable than your husband’s ridiculous dream house. He’s being a huge jerk. If anything now is the time for him to something nice for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given the state of your marriage and you and your DH's inability to talk about priorities and compromise, no way would I quit my job unless you have the type of career where you could easily re-enter and make a similar amount.

You are digging your heels in about being a SAHM and he is digging his heels in about the house. Neither of those are going to solve your problems. You need to find a way to talk about what you need (not what you want) and how to make that happen. I think there is likely a way where you can get a bit of a break, focus on your health and your well-being and he can still have the security of a two-income family. Things like he needs to fully take over for a good bit of the kid or house stuff, you need to hire more help (outsource all of your housework and more of the childcare), you could see about cutting back a bit at work, taking a medical leave (talk to your doctor), etc.

Spend more time uncovering what is behind what you both want and jointly work on a plan to get there.

+1. I kept thinking OP were a single mom, what would she have done? While quitting might have been an option, I think looking into the employee assistance program at work, seeing if unpaid FMLA is possible, going to a doctor/therapy if depression is an issue, hiring a nanny or aupair to help with the twins, see if family could help out, seeing if you could work 32 hours a week temporarily are all things that would be options as a solution to overwhelm and getting more time time to recover. Agree that DH may also have some things going on why he is so insistent about the new house.

[Anonymous]

NP here. Everytime I read about the fertility struggles in the TTC forum. I have wondered if this journey makes people better spouses and parents.

It is sad to read OP's post.

[Anonymous]

Did OP’s follow up post about the 4M being in her retirement account get deleted? She responded earlier this evening but now the thread looks like she hasn’t come back.

[Anonymous]

OP did you ever tell him, while dating or prekids, that there was a chance you would want to be a SAHM? I think this is so so important. Some men don’t want this under any circumstances and feel swindled.

I told my DH on or about our 3rd date that I hoped to be able to SAH one day and I probably wouldn’t have married him if he was vehemently against it.

Have you offered to SAH for a finite period of time? Maybe he’s just worried (legitimately) you won’t want to ever go back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP did you ever tell him, while dating or prekids, that there was a chance you would want to be a SAHM? I think this is so so important. Some men don’t want this under any circumstances and feel swindled.

I told my DH on or about our 3rd date that I hoped to be able to SAH one day and I probably wouldn’t have married him if he was vehemently against it.

Have you offered to SAH for a finite period of time? Maybe he’s just worried (legitimately) you won’t want to ever go back.

+1000

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand the finances here. Did one of you inherit money?

Why can’t you use your savings to build the house?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you both married late and perhaps chose the wrong person out of desperation?

What does your husband propose as a solution to your problem (too much stress) other than you staying home? Has he offered to pick up some of the slack or hire it out? How does he want this resolved? Surely he can see that the stress of building a home and moving right now would be horrible for his family.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your doctor about PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand the finances here. Did one of you inherit money?

Why can’t you use your savings to build the house?

That's why I think it's a troll. Makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

Why does he need your salary to build a 1 mil dollar house if you have a paid off house that you will presumably sell and roll into a new house plus 4 million dollars in addition to tht??

None of this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does he need your salary to build a 1 mil dollar house if you have a paid off house that you will presumably sell and roll into a new house plus 4 million dollars in addition to tht??

None of this makes sense.

Maybe husband is using the house as an excuse why wife can’t stay home? He sounds selfish, clueless, and a striver.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Work part time and don't tell him. Supplement the money you need for bills with your $4M. Reassess at 9 months.

You don't have to do what you husband tells you to do.

Sure. And he doesn't have to do do what she wants - support her while she stays at home.

Look, the default in this country is that adults work, in order to pay the bills. You may not like it, but that's the way it is. I agree with a PP that in a relationship, if one person wants to stop working, it needs two yes votes. Without consensus, the default - everyone works - continues.

If she spent her life prior to this point contributing to that 4M in assets, he won't be supporting her while she stays at home - her prior work will be supporting her.